Have you ever noticed how some adults call their parents every day, while others only connect on obligatory holidays? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially watching my daughter Ellie’s relationship with her grandparents bloom.
The other day at the farmers’ market, I ran into an old friend who was there with her mom, laughing over which tomatoes looked best for sauce.
They do this every Saturday. Meanwhile, another acquaintance recently mentioned she hadn’t talked to her parents in months, and it wasn’t from any major falling out.
What makes the difference? After years of teaching kindergarten and now raising my own little ones, I’ve noticed patterns in families who stay close. It usually traces back to certain childhood experiences that created deep, lasting bonds.
1) Family meals were about connection, not just food
Growing up, my family ate together every night. But here’s the thing: We kept conversations surface-level, sticking to safe topics like school grades and weekend plans. We never really talked about feelings, dreams, or the messy stuff.
Families who stay close? They use mealtime differently. They share stories, ask real questions, and create space for everyone to be heard.
One mom from my teaching days told me their dinner rule was “everyone shares one good thing and one challenge from their day.” Her adult kids still come for Sunday dinner every week.
Now with Ellie and her little brother, we’ve started “rose and thorn” at dinner. Even at five and two, they’re learning that our table is where we share our whole selves, not just the polished parts.
2) Parents showed up consistently, not perfectly
Remember that parent who never missed a soccer game? That matters less than you’d think. What really counts is emotional consistency.
The adults I know who stayed close to their parents talk about reliability in different terms. Their parents might have missed some events, but they were emotionally available when it mattered.
Bad day at school? Mom would listen. Friendship drama? Dad would sit on the bed and talk it through.
My husband does this beautifully. He might have to miss bedtime for work sometimes, but when he’s here, he’s fully present. No phone, no distractions, just him and the kids building couch cushion forts or reading stories with all the silly voices.
3) Mistakes were learning moments, not catastrophes
“What did you learn from this?” versus “How could you be so careless?”
That’s the difference I’ve observed between families who stay connected and those who drift apart. When kids feel safe to fail, they keep coming back for guidance as adults.
I learned this the hard way as a kindergarten teacher. The kids who bounced back fastest from mistakes were the ones whose parents treated errors as experiments.
Now when Ellie spills paint on the carpet (which happened last Tuesday), we problem-solve together instead of focusing on blame.
4) Independence was encouraged within safe boundaries
This one’s tricky. Too much freedom and kids feel abandoned. Too little and they feel suffocated. But families who get it right? Their adult children choose to stay close.
I’ve seen this with friends who let their kids make age-appropriate choices early on. Pick your clothes at four. Choose your after-school activity at eight. Plan a family meal at twelve.
These kids grew into adults who still seek their parents’ input because it was never forced on them.
We’re trying this with our two. Even little ones can decide between two healthy snacks or choose which park to visit.
It’s small, but it’s building their confidence in making choices while knowing we’re their safety net.
5) Physical affection continued past early childhood
How many families stop hugging once kids hit middle school? Way too many.
But the adults who maintained close relationships with their parents often mention ongoing physical affection as a constant in their lives.
Not talking about anything inappropriate here, just the normal, healthy touch that humans need. A hand on the shoulder during homework. A goodnight hug through the teenage years. A welcome-home embrace during college visits.
Matt’s family is great at this. Everyone hugs hello and goodbye, no matter what. At first it felt foreign to me, coming from my more reserved family, but now I see how it maintains connection even when words fail.
6) Parents admitted their own struggles appropriately
“Mommy’s feeling frustrated right now, and I need a few minutes to calm down.” This simple sentence does so much. It shows kids that adults have feelings too, that managing emotions is normal, and that taking breaks is healthy.
Adults who stay close to their parents often describe them as “real people” rather than just authority figures.
Their parents shared appropriate struggles, like being tired after work or feeling nervous about a presentation, without burdening kids with adult problems.
I try to model this now. When I transitioned from teaching to writing, I shared with Ellie that Mommy was learning something new and sometimes felt unsure. She now tells me when she feels unsure about things too.
7) Traditions were flexible, not rigid
Every family needs traditions, but the ones who stay close adapt them over time. The Christmas cookie baking continues, but maybe it moves to a different day when schedules change.
The camping trip evolves from tents to cabins as grandparents age.
Rigid traditions become obligations. Flexible ones remain celebrations. When traditions can breathe and change, adult children don’t feel trapped by them.
We’re building this flexibility in now. Yes, we have our Saturday farmers’ market runs, but if someone’s sick or it’s pouring rain, we adapt. The point is togetherness, not perfection.
8) Different personalities were celebrated, not changed
Your quiet kid doesn’t need to become outgoing. Your energetic child doesn’t need to calm down completely. Families who stay close accept each member as they are.
I’ve watched this play out so many times. The parents who tried to mold their introverted child into a social butterfly? That relationship often struggles later.
But the ones who said, “You process internally, and that’s perfectly okay”? Those kids grow up feeling seen and valued.
With my two very different kids, this is daily work. My daughter loves to chat and help, while her brother is our cuddly climber. We’re learning to nurture both styles without comparison.
Looking ahead
Building these elements into childhood doesn’t guarantee adult closeness, but it creates a strong foundation. Every family is different, and some people need distance to become themselves before they can return to connection.
What matters is creating a childhood where kids feel seen, valued, and safe to be themselves. Where love isn’t conditional on achievement. Where mistakes are met with support, not shame. Where growing up doesn’t mean growing apart.
I’m still figuring this out myself. My parents are slowly coming around to what they call my “hippie parenting,” and we’re finding new ways to connect as adults. It’s never too late to build these bridges.
The goal isn’t to keep our kids dependent on us forever. It’s to raise them in a way that when they’re adults, free to choose any relationship they want with us, they choose closeness.
Not from obligation, but from genuine desire to share their lives with the people who loved them first.
