Remember those parenting books from the ’80s and ’90s that gathered dust on your parents’ shelves? The ones that preached letting babies “cry it out” and keeping strict schedules? Well, turns out the parents who tossed those books aside and followed their instincts instead might have been onto something big.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially when I watch my five-year-old carefully sort through her leaf collection or see my two-year-old build elaborate fort kingdoms from couch cushions. The way we were raised shapes who we become, and psychology research is now revealing that certain “old-fashioned” parenting approaches created adults with remarkably rare qualities in today’s world.
Before I had kids, I spent seven years teaching kindergarten, watching hundreds of children navigate their early years. Now as a parent myself, practicing attachment parenting with my own little ones, I see even more clearly how those early experiences shape us. The adults who possess these rare qualities today? They often had parents who bucked the trends of their time.
1) They trust their gut instincts completely
You know those people who just seem to know what feels right for them? The ones who don’t need to poll twenty friends before making a decision? Psychology suggests they likely had parents who validated their feelings rather than dismissing them.
Growing up, these kids heard things like “What do you think we should do?” instead of “Because I said so.” Their parents treated their emotions as valid data points, not inconveniences to be managed. When my daughter tells me she has a “funny feeling” about something, I stop and listen. That funny feeling might be her intuition developing, and decades from now, it could be her superpower.
2) They handle criticism without crumbling
Ever notice how some adults can receive feedback without taking it as a personal attack? These resilient souls probably had parents who separated actions from identity. Instead of hearing “You’re so messy,” they heard “This room needs tidying up.”
Research shows that children who received specific, behavior-focused feedback developed stronger emotional regulation as adults. They learned that making mistakes didn’t make them bad people. Just yesterday, when my toddler knocked over his milk for the third time, I caught myself before saying “You’re so clumsy” and went with “Oops, milk spilled. Let’s clean it up together.”
3) They form deep, authentic connections
Those adults who seem to effortlessly maintain lifelong friendships and create genuine bonds wherever they go? Psychology points to early attachment experiences as the foundation. Parents who were emotionally available, who made eye contact during conversations, who put down their newspapers (remember those?) to really listen – they raised kids who knew how to connect.
When I practiced extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping with both my children, some people thought I was creating dependent kids. But attachment theory tells us the opposite happens. Securely attached children grow into adults who can form healthy relationships because they learned early on what real connection feels like.
4) They embrace failure as information
Watch how different adults respond to setbacks. Some spiral into self-doubt while others dust themselves off and try again. The difference often traces back to how their parents handled their childhood failures.
Parents who said “What can we learn from this?” instead of swooping in to fix everything raised kids who see failure differently. During my teaching years, I watched parents rush to school with forgotten homework, robbing their children of natural consequences. The kids whose parents let them experience those small failures? They developed grit that serves them decades later.
5. They maintain healthy boundaries naturally
Adults who can say no without guilt, who protect their energy without apology – where did they learn this? Often from parents who respected their boundaries as children. These parents knocked before entering bedrooms, asked before giving hugs, and honored when their child said “I need space.”
My daughter recently told a relative she didn’t want to hug goodbye, and I supported her choice. Some might call this disrespectful, but teaching bodily autonomy early creates adults who know their worth and won’t tolerate boundary violations.
6) They possess remarkable self-awareness
Have you met those rare adults who actually understand their triggers and patterns? Who can name their emotions and needs? Psychology suggests their parents helped them develop emotional literacy early.
Instead of telling upset children to “stop crying,” these parents said things like “You seem frustrated because your tower fell down.” They gave feelings names and normalized the full spectrum of human emotions. When my son melts down because his fort collapses, we talk about disappointment. These conversations plant seeds for emotional intelligence that blooms in adulthood.
7) They adapt to change with grace
Life throws curveballs constantly, yet some adults seem to flow with changes rather than resist them. Research indicates these flexible thinkers often had parents who modeled adaptability and involved them in problem-solving.
When plans changed, these parents didn’t just announce new directions. They explained situations and brainstormed solutions together. “The park is closed today. What else sounds fun?” This collaborative approach raised adults who see change as an adventure rather than a threat.
8) They pursue passions without seeking permission
Adults who fearlessly chase dreams, who start businesses or switch careers without endless validation-seeking – they often had parents who celebrated their interests without judgment. Whether it was bug collecting or interpretive dance, these parents provided resources and encouragement without steering toward “practical” choices.
I watch my daughter spend hours sorting leaves and rocks, creating elaborate classification systems. Could I redirect her toward something more “educational”? Sure. But honoring her natural interests might be nurturing a future environmental scientist or artist who doesn’t need anyone’s permission to pursue her calling.
9) They rest without guilt
In our hustle culture, adults who can actually relax without feeling lazy are increasingly rare. These individuals likely had parents who modeled rest as necessary, not weakness. They saw their parents read books for pleasure, take naps, or simply sit and watch clouds.
After leaving my teaching career to write and raise my children, I worried about appearing unproductive. But showing my kids that rest has value might be one of my most important lessons.
Final thoughts
The parents who created these remarkable adults weren’t following expert advice or popular trends. They were following their children’s cues, trusting their instincts, and choosing connection over control. They made plenty of mistakes but prioritized relationship over rules.
Looking at my own little ones, I realize I’m not just raising children – I’m raising future adults. Every time I validate their feelings, respect their boundaries, or let them experience natural consequences, I’m planting seeds for qualities that will serve them decades from now.
The beautiful truth? These “rare” qualities don’t have to be rare. Each generation of parents has the opportunity to nurture them. And maybe, just maybe, what seems rare today will become common tomorrow.
