You know that moment when you’re watching your kids play and suddenly you’re transported back to your own childhood? It happened to me last week at the park. Ellie was negotiating playground rules with some older kids, standing her ground about whose turn it was on the swing.
And there she was—my five-year-old, calmly but firmly stating her case, not backing down even when the bigger kids tried to brush her off.
It struck me how different this scene would’ve played out in my own childhood. Back then, I wouldn’t have dared speak up to older kids. My parents would’ve expected me to wait quietly, follow the unspoken hierarchy, and definitely not “make a scene.” Yet here was my daughter, confidently advocating for herself, and I couldn’t help but feel proud.
But it also got me thinking. Were some of those “strict” old-school parenting approaches actually building something valuable that we’ve lost today?
As someone who grew up with traditional Midwest parents who had clear rules and high expectations, I’ve been fascinated by recent research suggesting that certain aspects of past parenting—the ones we often dismiss as too harsh—might have actually fostered resilience in ways we’re only now beginning to understand.
1. Making kids do chores without payment
Remember when helping around the house was just expected? My parents never paid me for making my bed or washing dishes. These weren’t negotiable tasks with reward charts—they were simply part of being in the family.
Today’s experts are circling back to this approach. Research shows that kids who do unpaid chores develop stronger work ethic and understand contribution without expecting immediate rewards. They learn that sometimes you do things because they need doing, not because there’s something in it for you.
I’ll admit, I started out with sticker charts for my oldest. But watching her expect rewards for basic helpfulness made me reconsider. Now both kids have age-appropriate responsibilities that are just part of our family rhythm. No payment, no negotiations—just the satisfaction of contributing.
2. Letting kids experience natural consequences
Growing up, if I forgot my lunch, I went hungry until dinner. If I didn’t do my homework, I faced the teacher myself. My parents weren’t rushing to school with forgotten items or making excuses to teachers.
Modern child development experts are validating this approach. Natural consequences teach cause and effect better than any lecture could. When kids experience the direct results of their choices, they develop problem-solving skills and personal responsibility.
Just last month, my daughter forgot her show-and-tell item. The old me would’ve raced home to get it. Instead, I sympathized but let her experience the disappointment. She problem-solved by asking to share about something in her backpack instead. That’s resilience in action.
3. Maintaining firm bedtimes without exceptions
In my childhood home, 8 PM bedtime meant 8 PM. Not 8:15 after “just one more story” or 8:30 after elaborate negotiations. The routine was non-negotiable, and honestly? We all knew where we stood.
Sleep researchers now emphasize how consistent sleep schedules support emotional regulation and stress management in children. Those rigid bedtimes our parents enforced? They were building our capacity to handle daily challenges by ensuring we were well-rested.
I’ve embraced this wisdom with my own kids. Yes, they sometimes protest, but the predictability has made evenings smoother and mornings infinitely more pleasant.
4. Limiting entertainment options
We had one TV with three channels, and if nothing good was on? Too bad. Board games, books, or going outside were the alternatives. Boredom was just part of life, not an emergency requiring immediate parental intervention.
Creativity researchers now link limited entertainment options with increased imagination and self-directed play. When kids aren’t constantly stimulated, they learn to create their own fun and develop internal resources for managing downtime.
This one hits close to home in our low-screen household. My kids sometimes complain about being bored, but then I find them building elaborate fort cities or creating nature art in the backyard. That creativity doesn’t emerge when entertainment is always readily available.
5. Expecting kids to entertain themselves
Related but different from limited entertainment—parents decades ago weren’t their children’s constant playmates. “Go play” was a complete sentence, and kids figured it out.
Developmental psychologists now recognize independent play as crucial for building executive function skills and self-reliance. When children direct their own activities, they practice decision-making, planning, and problem-solving without adult scaffolding.
6. Having one meal for everyone
Dinner was dinner in my childhood home. You ate what was served or you didn’t eat. There was no separate “kid food” or multiple options catered to individual preferences.
Nutrition experts and child psychologists now support this approach, noting it reduces pickiness and teaches flexibility. Kids learn to try new things and understand that not every situation will cater to their preferences—valuable life preparation.
With my own kids, I offer what we’re eating. They don’t have to clean their plates, but there aren’t alternatives. It’s simplified mealtime and expanded their palates considerably.
7. Enforcing “adult conversation” time
Do your kids constantly interrupt adult conversations? Mine tried to, until I remembered how my parents handled this. When adults were talking, children waited. Period.
Child development specialists now recognize this teaches patience, respect for others’ time, and delayed gratification. Kids learn they’re important but not the center of every moment—crucial for developing emotional regulation and social awareness.
8. Requiring thank-you notes and formal manners
Every gift, every kindness in my childhood required a handwritten thank-you note. We addressed adults as Mr. and Mrs., said please and thank you reflexively, and understood formal manners weren’t optional.
Social psychologists link these practices to increased empathy and social success. The discipline of acknowledging others’ kindness in writing builds gratitude practices and social awareness that serve children throughout life.
My kindergarten teaching experience showed me how these skills advantage children socially and academically. Kids who understand formal courtesy navigate diverse situations more successfully.
9. Allowing kids to fail and face disappointment
Perhaps most importantly, parents decades ago let their kids fail. Bad grades, lost games, and social disappointments weren’t emergencies requiring parental rescue. They were part of growing up.
Resilience researchers consistently find that children who experience manageable failures develop stronger coping mechanisms and bounce-back abilities. Protection from all disappointment creates fragility, not strength.
Finding the balance
Look, I’m not suggesting we return to everything about past parenting. There’s much I consciously do differently than my parents did. But in our rush to be gentle and responsive, maybe we’ve thrown out some valuable practices along with the harsh ones.
The key is thoughtful integration. We can maintain firm boundaries while being emotionally available. We can expect contribution and independence while staying connected and supportive. We can let our children struggle while ensuring they know we’re their safe harbor.
Watching my daughter stand up for herself on that playground, I saw the fruit of blending old wisdom with new understanding. She’s confident because she’s had practice solving problems. She’s resilient because she’s experienced manageable challenges. She knows her worth because she contributes meaningfully to our family.
These “strict” practices aren’t about being harsh or disconnected. They’re about preparing our children for a world that won’t always accommodate them, while ensuring they know they’re deeply loved. That’s the sweet spot where true resilience grows.
