Ever notice how some people seem to struggle with accepting compliments, almost physically recoiling when someone says something nice about them?
I used to think this was just modesty, but my psychology background taught me something deeper is often at play. These seemingly small behaviors can actually be subtle signs of childhood emotional neglect, manifesting in ways we might not immediately recognize.
The truth is, the love and validation we receive (or don’t receive) as children shapes us in profound ways. When those early emotional needs aren’t met, we develop coping mechanisms that follow us well into adulthood.
Today, we’re diving into eight subtle behaviors that psychology tells us are common among adults who weren’t loved properly as children. Recognizing these patterns isn’t about blame or dwelling on the past—it’s about understanding ourselves better and breaking free from cycles that no longer serve us.
1. They struggle to accept compliments or praise
You tell them they did a great job on that presentation, and they immediately deflect: “Oh, it was nothing” or “The team did most of the work.”
Sound familiar?
When children don’t receive consistent validation, they often grow up with an internal narrative that they’re not worthy of praise. Research shows that emotional neglect in childhood can lead to difficulties processing positive feedback as adults.
I’ve noticed this pattern in my own life. Growing up, achievements were expected rather than celebrated, and now I catch myself minimizing accomplishments that others find impressive. It’s like there’s this internal voice saying “don’t get too comfortable with praise—it might disappear.”
The key to overcoming this? Practice simply saying “thank you” when someone compliments you. No explanations, no deflections. Just thank you. It feels uncomfortable at first, but gradually, you start believing you might actually deserve those kind words.
2. They have an intense fear of abandonment
Here’s something I’ve observed countless times: people who experienced inconsistent love as children often develop what psychologists call an anxious attachment style.
They might text their partner multiple times if they don’t get an immediate response. They read into every slight change in tone. They need constant reassurance that everything is okay in their relationships.
This isn’t about being needy or dramatic. When love was conditional or unpredictable in childhood, the adult brain remains on high alert for signs of rejection. Every unreturned call feels like potential abandonment.
In my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how mindfulness can help us recognize these patterns without being controlled by them. The practice of observing our thoughts without judgment helps us see that not every silence means abandonment.
3. They’re people-pleasers to a fault
When love felt conditional growing up—available only when you were “good” or met certain expectations—you learn to become whoever others need you to be.
These adults often say yes to everything, even when they’re exhausted. They avoid conflict like the plague. They’d rather suffer in silence than risk disappointing someone.
I had a friend who would literally rearrange her entire schedule if someone needed a favor, even for people she barely knew. When I asked her why, she said, “I just can’t stand the thought of letting anyone down.”
But here’s what happens: constantly prioritizing others’ needs over your own leads to burnout and resentment. You lose touch with what you actually want because you’re so focused on keeping everyone else happy.
Breaking this pattern starts with small nos. Decline that optional meeting. Say you need to think about it before committing. Each boundary you set is a step toward reclaiming your authentic self.
4. They struggle with emotional regulation
Studies have shown that children who don’t receive proper emotional attunement often struggle to manage their feelings as adults.
Maybe they explode over minor inconveniences. Or perhaps they shut down completely when faced with conflict. Some swing between emotional extremes, never quite finding that middle ground.
This makes sense when you think about it. Children learn emotional regulation through co-regulation with their caregivers. When parents acknowledge and help process emotions, kids internalize these skills. Without that modeling, adults are left trying to figure it out on their own.
The good news? Emotional regulation can be learned at any age. Therapy, mindfulness practices, and even journaling can help develop this crucial skill.
5. They have difficulty trusting others
Trust requires vulnerability, and vulnerability requires a foundation of safety that many didn’t experience in childhood.
These adults might keep people at arm’s length, even those who’ve proven trustworthy. They expect betrayal, search for hidden motives, and struggle to believe that someone could love them without conditions.
I remember working with someone who would test their relationships constantly—creating scenarios to see if people would “prove” their loyalty. It was exhausting for everyone involved, but for them, it felt like necessary protection.
Building trust starts with small risks. Share something personal with a trusted friend. Ask for help when you need it. Each positive experience creates new neural pathways that slowly override those old protective patterns.
6. They’re highly self-critical
The voice in their head sounds like a harsh critic, pointing out every flaw and mistake with brutal precision.
When children don’t receive unconditional love, they often internalize the message that they’re not good enough as they are. That critical voice becomes their constant companion, setting impossibly high standards and punishing them for any perceived failure.
This ties into something I discuss in Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego—the concept of self-compassion. Buddhist philosophy teaches us to treat ourselves with the same kindness we’d show a good friend.
Start noticing when that critical voice pipes up. Would you speak to someone you care about that way? Probably not. So why is it okay to treat yourself with such harshness?
7. They have trouble identifying their own needs
Ask them what they want for dinner, and they’ll say, “Whatever you want is fine.” Ask about their dreams and goals, and they might draw a blank.
When childhood emotional needs weren’t acknowledged or valued, many adults lose touch with their internal compass. They’ve spent so long adapting to others’ expectations that they genuinely don’t know what they want.
Research from the American Psychological Association confirms that early emotional neglect can lead to difficulties with self-awareness and decision-making in adulthood.
Reconnecting with your needs takes practice. Start small: How does your body feel right now? Are you hungry? Tired? What would feel good? Building this awareness gradually helps you recognize and honor your deeper emotional needs.
8. They either avoid conflict entirely or seek it out
Some become conflict-avoidant, agreeing to anything to keep the peace. Others seem drawn to drama, recreating the chaos they knew in childhood.
Both patterns stem from the same source: an inability to navigate healthy conflict because it was never modeled for them. Either conflict meant danger and abandonment, or it was the only time they received attention.
Learning healthy conflict resolution is like learning a new language. It requires understanding that disagreement doesn’t mean disaster, that you can express needs without aggression, and that resolution is possible without someone losing.
Final words
Recognizing these patterns in yourself isn’t about blaming your parents or wallowing in what you didn’t receive. It’s about understanding why you respond to life the way you do and realizing you have the power to change these patterns.
The beauty of being human is our incredible capacity for growth and healing. Those neural pathways carved by childhood experiences aren’t set in stone. With awareness, practice, and often professional support, we can develop the self-love and emotional skills we missed out on early in life.
Remember, relationship quality is the single biggest predictor of life satisfaction. By healing these old wounds and developing emotional intelligence, we’re not just improving our own lives—we’re creating the capacity for deeper, more authentic connections with others.
The journey isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. Every step toward healing is a step toward the love and connection we all deserve.
