You know that slightly awkward pause when you call your parents and they answer with “Oh, you finally remembered us?” Even though you just talked three days ago?
I’ve been thinking about this lately, especially after watching my mom light up when I asked her advice about Ellie’s recent phase of only wearing princess dresses to preschool. It got me wondering what really makes our Boomer parents feel loved and valued by us, their adult children.
Growing up as the middle child between an older brother and younger sister, I watched my parents navigate relationships with their own parents. Now that I’m raising two kids while my parents watch from the sidelines (sometimes skeptically eyeing my cloth diapers and homemade baby food), I’ve learned a thing or two about bridging generational gaps.
Research from psychology actually backs up what many of us sense intuitively: Boomer parents have specific emotional needs that, when met, help them feel deeply connected to their adult children. Let’s explore what those are.
1. Ask for their advice and actually consider it
Remember when you couldn’t wait to stop hearing your parents’ opinions on everything? Well, turns out they miss being asked.
My parents spent decades being the go-to source for everything from “what’s this rash?” to “how do I cook a turkey?” Now suddenly, we’re consulting Google instead of calling them. When I recently asked my dad’s opinion on whether we should replace our roof before winter, you’d think I’d offered him front row tickets to his favorite band.
Psychology Today notes that feeling needed and valued for their wisdom is crucial for older adults’ well-being. They’ve accumulated a lifetime of experience, and when we dismiss it entirely, it feels like we’re dismissing them.
This doesn’t mean you have to follow every piece of advice. Sometimes I nod along when my mom suggests I should stop letting the kids play in mud puddles. But I genuinely consider her perspective, and often she has insights I wouldn’t have thought of.
2. Share the mundane details of your life
“Nothing much” might be the most common response when parents ask what’s new, but it’s also the most disappointing for them.
Growing up, we ate dinner together every night, though conversations rarely went below surface level. These days, I try to share the small stuff with my parents: how my son discovered he can climb onto the kitchen counter, or how my daughter started a “restaurant” in our living room serving pretend soup to stuffed animals.
These little glimpses into our daily lives help parents feel included. They don’t need the highlight reel; they want the blooper reel too. When I tell my mom about my morning struggle to get everyone dressed and out the door, she feels more connected than when I only share the Pinterest-perfect moments.
3. Include them in family traditions while creating your own
This one’s tricky. How do you honor their traditions while establishing your own family culture?
My parents don’t quite understand why we do things like family gratitude circles at dinner or why I involve the kids in meal prep from such a young age. But I’ve learned that including them in our new traditions while respecting theirs creates beautiful bridges.
We still do their traditional holiday recipes (even though I swap some ingredients for healthier versions when they’re not looking), but we’ve added our own touches too. The key is making them feel like they’re part of the evolution, not being replaced by it.
4. Make time for one-on-one connections
Group family gatherings are great, but have you noticed how your parent’s face changes during a solo coffee date?
With two young kids, finding time for individual connections with my parents feels impossible some days. But research from the American Psychological Association shows that quality one-on-one time significantly impacts relationship satisfaction across generations.
Sometimes it’s just a 15-minute call while the kids nap, or inviting one parent to join me at the farmers market. These moments without the chaos of grandkids climbing on them or multiple conversations happening at once allow for deeper connection.
5. Acknowledge their efforts, even imperfect ones
My parents think my “hippie parenting” involves too much negotiation with tiny humans who should just be told what to do. But they’re trying to understand, and that effort deserves recognition.
When my dad awkwardly attempts to use positive parenting language he’s heard me use, even if he gets it slightly wrong, I appreciate the attempt. When my mom bites her tongue about co-sleeping (mostly), I notice.
Acknowledging their efforts to understand and support our choices, even when they disagree, makes them feel seen and valued. It’s not about them being perfect grandparents by our standards; it’s about recognizing they’re trying to navigate this new world of parenting philosophies right alongside us.
6. Share your struggles, not just successes
There’s this weird thing where we want to prove to our parents we’re doing fine, so we hide our struggles. But vulnerability creates connection.
When I finally admitted to my mom that I was exhausted from night wakings and questioned every parenting decision I made, our relationship shifted. She shared her own parenting doubts from decades ago, stories I’d never heard. The Gottman Institute’s research on emotional connection confirms that sharing vulnerabilities strengthens bonds across all relationships, including those with aging parents.
Now she’s become one of my biggest supports, not because she agrees with all my choices, but because she understands the weight of making them.
7. Create regular, predictable connection points
Spontaneous calls are wonderful, but what really makes Boomer parents feel loved is knowing when they’ll hear from you next.
Every Sunday morning, while my husband handles breakfast duty, I video call my parents. The kids show them their latest artwork, and we catch up on the week. It’s not always convenient, and sometimes the conversations are interrupted by sibling squabbles or diaper emergencies. But that weekly touchpoint has become sacred to them.
Predictability matters more than frequency. Whether it’s a weekly call, monthly dinner, or daily text, having something they can count on helps them feel prioritized in your increasingly busy life.
Final thoughts
Creating deeper connections with our Boomer parents while raising our own kids isn’t always easy. We’re managing different parenting philosophies, changing family dynamics, and often geographical distance too.
But here’s what I’ve learned: our parents don’t need us to be perfect adult children any more than our kids need us to be perfect parents. They need us to show up, share our real lives, and make space for them in our new family structures.
The generational divide might feel wide when you’re explaining why you’re not using cry-it-out sleep training or why organic food matters to you. But love translates across all generations. Sometimes it looks like asking dad about lawn care. Sometimes it’s sharing your toddler’s latest tantrum story. Sometimes it’s just answering the phone on the third ring instead of letting it go to voicemail.
These seven things aren’t revolutionary. They’re beautifully ordinary ways of saying “you matter to me” to the people who spent decades saying the same thing to us, just in different ways.
