Last week at the farmers market, I watched a dad repeatedly tell his daughter to “stop touching everything” without ever explaining why or asking what caught her interest.
She eventually shut down completely, shoulders slumped, following him in silence. It reminded me of something I learned during my kindergarten teaching days: There’s a world of difference between talking at children and talking with them.
The conversation style we choose with our kids shapes more than just the moment.
Psychology research shows that when parents consistently talk at their children rather than engaging in genuine dialogue, specific personality traits tend to emerge. And honestly? These traits can follow our little ones well into adulthood.
I’ve been guilty of the “talking at” approach myself, especially during those rushed morning routines when I just need everyone to get their shoes on.
But after seeing how differently my kids respond when I slow down and actually engage with them, I’ve become more mindful about creating real conversations.
1) Difficulty expressing emotions
Have you ever noticed how some adults struggle to name what they’re feeling beyond “good” or “bad”? This often starts in childhood when conversations are one-sided.
When we constantly direct and instruct without inviting our kids to share their thoughts, they miss countless opportunities to practice articulating their feelings.
My daughter used to just cry when frustrated until I started asking “What’s happening in your body right now?” instead of immediately launching into problem-solving mode.
Kids who are talked at learn that their emotional experiences aren’t worth discussing. They internalize the message that feelings should be dealt with quietly and alone. By the time they’re adults, putting emotions into words feels foreign and uncomfortable.
2) Passive communication style
Remember group projects in school where certain people never shared their ideas? That passivity often has roots in childhood communication patterns.
Children who are used to receiving instructions without input naturally develop a passive approach to communication.
They wait to be told what to think, what to do, and how to feel. During my teaching years, I could always spot these kids – brilliant minds who’d mastered the art of invisibility.
Creating space for back-and-forth dialogue teaches kids that their voice matters. Even something as simple as asking “What do you think we should have for snack?” instead of announcing “We’re having apples” makes a difference.
3) Low self-confidence
When conversations flow in only one direction, children receive an unspoken message: Your thoughts aren’t valuable enough to share.
I learned this lesson the hard way when my daughter started saying “I don’t know” to everything I asked. It hit me that I’d been doing too much explaining and not enough exploring together. Kids need to feel that their contributions to conversations are welcomed and valued.
Self-confidence grows when children experience their ideas being heard and considered. Not always agreed with, but genuinely considered. When we talk at them, we accidentally communicate that their perspective doesn’t matter enough to warrant discussion.
4) Poor problem-solving skills
If you’re always providing solutions without involving your child in the thinking process, how will they learn to solve problems themselves?
My two-year-old recently got frustrated trying to reach his favorite toy on a high shelf. Instead of immediately getting it for him, I asked “What could we use to help you reach?”
Watching him figure out he could push a chair over was magical. But this only happened because I resisted my urge to simply hand him the toy while explaining why it was up there.
Children talked at receive solutions but miss the thinking process behind them. They don’t develop the neural pathways that come from working through challenges collaboratively.
5) Difficulty with boundaries
Here’s something that surprised me: Kids who are constantly told what to do without discussion often struggle to set healthy boundaries later in life.
When children never practice negotiating or expressing their limits in conversation, they don’t develop the skills to advocate for themselves. They’re used to their boundaries being set for them, not with them.
I try to model this by involving my kids in creating family rules. “How many books should we read before bed?” leads to much better cooperation than “We’re reading two books tonight.”
They learn that boundaries can be discussed and that their input matters in establishing them.
6) Tendency toward people-pleasing
Children who are talked at often become adults who constantly seek approval. Makes sense when you think about it, right?
When kids only receive directives, they learn that compliance equals love and acceptance. They never develop the confidence that comes from having their own ideas valued.
I sometimes catch myself praising obedience over independent thinking, and I have to consciously shift my approach.
Working on my “progress not perfection” parenting philosophy has helped here. When I slip into directive mode (because let’s face it, sometimes we all do), I try to repair quickly by circling back for their input once things calm down.
7) Anxiety around decision-making
Ever met an adult who can’t decide what to order at a restaurant without checking with everyone else first? This often stems from childhoods where decisions were made for them, not with them.
When we constantly tell kids what to do without involving them in the decision process, they never build confidence in their own judgment. Even small choices like “Would you like to wear your red shirt or blue shirt?” help build decision-making muscles.
My years teaching kindergarten showed me how capable young children are of making thoughtful choices when given the chance. Yet so many arrive at school having never been asked for their opinion on anything.
8) Challenges with authentic relationships
Perhaps the most heartbreaking trait is difficulty forming genuine connections with others.
Children who are talked at learn that relationships involve one person directing and another following. They struggle to engage in the mutual exchange that healthy relationships require. They might become either overly dominant or completely submissive in their interactions.
Real relationships require vulnerability, sharing ideas, and genuine dialogue. If these skills aren’t practiced in childhood through actual conversations with parents, they’re much harder to develop later.
Making the shift
Changing from talking at to talking with doesn’t require perfection. Trust me, I’m still working on not comparing myself to those Instagram-perfect gentle parenting families. Some days are better than others.
Start small. Replace one directive a day with a question. Instead of “Put on your shoes,” try “What do we need to do before we can go outside?” Yes, it takes longer. Yes, some days you won’t have the patience. That’s okay.
What matters is creating more moments of genuine connection through conversation. Your kids will develop stronger emotional intelligence, better communication skills, and the confidence that comes from knowing their voice matters.
These eight traits aren’t destiny. They’re tendencies that can be redirected through conscious effort to engage our children as thinking, feeling people worthy of real conversation.
Every question we ask, every opinion we seek, every moment we pause to listen instead of direct, we’re building our children’s capacity for authentic self-expression and connection.
