Remember being a kid and having that one relative who always tried a bit too hard to be the “cool” one? The excessive candy, the rule-breaking, the constant need to one-up the other adults?
Now that I’m watching friends become grandparents, I’m seeing this pattern play out again. Having recently become a father myself, I’ve been thinking a lot about what drives this need to be the “fun” one.
Here’s what I’ve noticed: Beneath that desperate need to be the favorite often lies something deeper, something that has nothing to do with the kids at all.
Psychology suggests that when we feel compelled to be the “fun grandparent” at all costs, we might actually be wrestling with our own insecurities. Understanding these hidden drivers can help us build more authentic relationships with our grandchildren.
Let’s explore what might really be going on beneath the surface:
1) Fear of irrelevance
Ever notice how retirement can trigger an identity crisis?
After decades of being needed at work, suddenly you’re not.
The phone stops ringing, the emails slow down and, for many grandparents, being “the fun one” becomes a way to feel important again.
I’ve watched this happen with a close family friend: After retiring from a high-powered career, they threw themselves into being Super Grandparent.
Every visit involved elaborate plans, expensive gifts, and exhausting adventures.
Here’s the thing: Kids don’t need you to be a cruise director but, rather, they need you to be present, listen to their rambling stories about school, and teach them how to tie their shoes or bake cookies.
Your relevance comes from being you.
2) Unresolved childhood wounds
Sometimes, our need to be the fun grandparent stems from what we didn’t get as kids ourselves.
Maybe your own childhood was strict or lacking in playfulness, or maybe your parents were too busy or stressed to really engage with you.
So, now, you’re trying to give your grandkids what you never had.
While this impulse comes from a good place, it can create problems. You might be projecting your own needs onto kids who have different ones entirely.
In my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how our past experiences shape our present behaviors.
The key is recognizing these patterns so we can choose differently.
3) Competition with other grandparents
“Wait until you hear what we did with the other grandparents last weekend!”
If hearing this from your grandchild makes your stomach drop, you might be caught in the comparison trap.
In our social media age, even grandparenting has become competitive. We see photos of elaborate birthday parties and Disney trips, and suddenly our quiet afternoon at the park feels inadequate.
However, kids don’t keep score the way adults do. They remember the grandparent who taught them to whistle, not the one who spent the most money.
4) Fear of aging
Being the fun grandparent can feel like proof that you’re still young, still vibrant, still got it.
I get it: Aging in our youth-obsessed culture is tough as every wrinkle and gray hair feels like a loss. So, we overcompensate by being the grandparent who goes down the slide, plays video games, and stays up late.
But pushing yourself beyond your limits just makes you exhausted, and kids are surprisingly good at sensing when adults are trying too hard.
There’s dignity in aging gracefully. In showing kids that every life stage has its own gifts.
5) Guilt about past parenting
Were you a workaholic parent? Too strict? Not around enough?
Many grandparents see grandchildren as their do-over—a chance to get it right this time—so they swing to the opposite extreme, becoming permissive and indulgent.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot since becoming a father: How will I handle the inevitable regrets? The moments I wish I could take back?
The answer is to make peace with your past and show up authentically in the present.
6) Need for validation
“You’re the best grandparent ever!”
Those words can be addictive, can’t they?
When our self-worth depends on being the favorite, we’ll do almost anything to maintain that status.
Ice cream for breakfast? Sure!
Bedtime? What bedtime?
But this creates an unstable foundation for the relationship: What happens when you have to say no? When you can’t afford the expensive toy? When another grandparent does something “cooler”?
As I write about in Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, true security comes from within, even from adorable grandchildren.
7) Avoiding deeper connection
Here’s a uncomfortable truth: Constant fun can be a defense mechanism.
When every moment is filled with activities and excitement, there’s no space for real conversation and no quiet moments where a child might share their fears or dreams.
I learned this lesson the hard way in my twenties when anxiety had me constantly busy, constantly moving. It took discovering mindfulness to realize I was running from stillness.
Deep connection happens in the pauses, in the quiet car rides, and in the boring moments that aren’t Instagram-worthy.
8) Fear of conflict
Being the fun grandparent means never having to be the bad guy, right? Wrong.
This fear of setting boundaries often masks a deeper fear of conflict or rejection. We worry that if we enforce rules, the kids won’t love us anymore.
Yet, children actually feel safer with boundaries. They need adults who can hold the line, even when it’s unpopular. Your grandchild might protest when you say no to the third cookie, but they’re also learning that you’re trustworthy.
Love, sometimes, is about doing what’s best for them, even when they don’t like it.
9) Existential anxiety
Being a grandparent is a stark reminder of mortality. You’re watching the next generation grow while feeling your own time tick away.
The desperate need to create magical memories might stem from the fear that you won’t be around forever.
Since having my daughter, I’ve thought about this constantly: How many memories will she have of me? What legacy am I leaving?
But, here’s what I’m learning: Kids need some moments to be real.
To see you tired, frustrated—human, even—and to learn that love isn’t about perfection.
Final words
Look, wanting to be a source of joy for your grandchildren is beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with being fun.
The problem arises when that need comes from our own insecurities rather than genuine connection. When we’re performing rather than being present.
Your grandchildren need you to be yourself, so share your stories, teach them your skills, and show them what a life fully lived looks like, wrinkles and all.
In the end, the grandparents we remember are the ones who loved us enough to just be themselves.
