Some nights I collapse onto the couch after both kids are finally asleep and think, “Did I do anything right today?” The house looks like a toy store exploded. There’s dried oatmeal on my shirt. I lost my patience at least twice. And I’m pretty sure I said “just a minute” about forty-seven times without ever actually giving that minute.
If you’ve had that same sinking feeling, I want you to know something: the chaos isn’t evidence of failure. In fact, some of the most important parenting wins are invisible in the moment. They show up later, in small behaviors and quiet moments that are easy to miss when you’re just trying to make it to bedtime.
Here are eight signs that what you’re doing is actually working, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
1) Your child tells you when something is wrong
This one seems small, but it’s enormous. When your kid comes to you with a scraped knee, a hurt feeling, or a confession about something they broke, that’s not just a problem to solve. That’s trust in action.
Think about it. They could hide it. They could lie. They could go to someone else or just stuff it down. But they came to you. That means somewhere along the way, you’ve shown them that you’re a safe place to land.
As noted by researchers at the Gottman Institute, children who feel emotionally safe with their parents are more likely to share difficult feelings and seek support during challenges. That foundation of trust doesn’t happen by accident. It happens because you’ve responded enough times with patience instead of punishment, with curiosity instead of criticism.
So the next time your child interrupts your evening with “I need to tell you something,” take a breath. That interruption is actually a sign you’ve built something real.
2) They push back against your boundaries
I know. This one feels counterintuitive. When my daughter argues with me about screen time or bedtime or why she can’t have a third snack, my first instinct isn’t to celebrate. It’s to wonder why she can’t just cooperate.
But here’s the thing: kids push against boundaries because they feel secure enough to test them. They’re not doing it to ruin your day. They’re doing it because they trust that your love isn’t conditional on their compliance.
A child who never pushes back might actually be a child who’s afraid of your reaction. The resistance, as exhausting as it is, often means they feel safe enough to assert themselves. That’s a developmental win, even when it doesn’t feel like one at 6:45 p.m. on a Tuesday.
Your job isn’t to eliminate the pushback. It’s to hold the boundary with warmth. “I hear you. The answer is still no.” That’s the whole move. And when you do it consistently, you’re teaching them that limits can coexist with love.
3) They apologize without being forced
There’s a big difference between a kid who mumbles “sorry” because you’re standing over them with your arms crossed, and a kid who circles back ten minutes later and says, “I’m sorry I yelled at you.”
That second version? That’s emotional growth happening in real time. It means they’ve internalized something about repair, about relationships, about taking responsibility for how their actions affect others.
This doesn’t happen overnight. It happens because they’ve watched you apologize. It happens because you’ve modeled what it looks like to mess up and make it right. Kids learn repair by seeing it, not by being lectured about it.
So if your child has ever come back to you unprompted and said sorry, even once, that’s a sign your example is sinking in. And honestly, that’s one of the hardest things to teach. If it’s happening, you’re doing something right.
4) They play independently sometimes
I used to feel guilty when my daughter would play alone in her room for twenty minutes. Like I should be in there doing something educational with her. Building something. Teaching something.
But independent play is actually a sign of secure attachment. According to Zero to Three, children who feel confident in their connection with caregivers are more willing to explore the world on their own. They don’t need constant reassurance because they’ve already internalized that you’re there.
When your child can entertain themselves, even for short stretches, it means they’ve built an internal sense of safety. They’re not clinging because they trust you’ll be there when they come back. That’s not neglect. That’s healthy development.
So the next time your kid disappears into imaginative play without needing you to direct it, let yourself feel good about that. You helped build the foundation that made it possible.
5) They show kindness to others without being asked
This one gets me every time. When I see my daughter offer her baby brother a toy he dropped, or when she asks a friend at the park if they’re okay after a fall, I realize something is taking root that I can’t take full credit for but definitely helped plant.
Kindness isn’t something you can force. You can prompt it, sure. But genuine empathy, the kind that shows up without a script, comes from being on the receiving end of it over and over again.
Every time you’ve comforted your child when they were upset, every time you’ve narrated someone else’s feelings, every time you’ve paused to help a stranger while your kid watched, you’ve been teaching empathy. And when it starts showing up in their behavior unprompted, that’s the payoff.
You might not see it every day. But when you catch a glimpse of your child being kind without being told, let that moment land. That’s your influence showing up in the world.
6) They have big feelings and express them
Tantrums are exhausting. Meltdowns are loud. Big emotions can feel like evidence that something is going wrong.
But here’s a reframe worth considering: a child who expresses their feelings, even messily, is a child who hasn’t learned to suppress them. And that’s actually healthy.
Dr. Dan Siegel, author of The Whole-Brain Child, emphasizes that children need to feel their emotions fully before they can learn to regulate them. The goal isn’t to raise kids who never get upset. The goal is to raise kids who know what to do with their feelings over time.
So when your toddler screams because their banana broke, or your preschooler sobs because their tower fell, they’re not being dramatic. They’re being human. And the fact that they feel safe enough to fall apart in front of you? That’s a good sign.
Your calm presence during their storm is the thing that teaches regulation. Not the absence of the storm itself.
7) They ask you questions about the world
“Why is the sky blue?” “What happens when we die?” “Why does that man look sad?”
These questions can catch you off guard. Sometimes they come at the worst possible moments, like when you’re trying to merge onto the highway or finally sit down to eat. But they’re a sign of something important: your child sees you as a source of understanding.
When kids ask big questions, they’re not just curious. They’re trusting you to help them make sense of a confusing world. That trust doesn’t come from nowhere. It comes from all the times you’ve answered patiently, or admitted you didn’t know, or wondered out loud alongside them.
You don’t have to have all the answers. In fact, saying “I don’t know, let’s find out together” can be even more powerful. It shows them that curiosity is a lifelong thing, and that not knowing is okay.
So the next time you get hit with a question that makes you pause, remember: they asked you because they trust you. That’s not a small thing.
8) They still want to be near you
After a long day of redirecting, reminding, and holding boundaries, it can feel like you’ve done nothing but say no. And then bedtime comes, and your child asks for one more hug. Or they crawl into your lap even though they’re technically too big for it. Or they just want to sit next to you while you fold laundry.
That desire to be close, even after a hard day, is one of the clearest signs that your relationship is intact. Kids don’t seek closeness with people who feel unsafe. They seek it with people who feel like home.
You might not have been the perfect parent today. You probably weren’t. None of us are. But if your child still wants to be near you at the end of it, that means the connection is still there. And connection is the thing that makes everything else possible.
So let them crawl into your lap. Let them ask for one more story. That impulse to be close to you is proof that what you’re building together is working.
Closing thoughts
Parenting is relentless. There’s no performance review, no gold star, no one standing at the end of the day telling you that you did a good job. Most of the time, you’re just guessing and hoping and trying again tomorrow.
But the signs are there if you know where to look. They’re in the small moments, the quiet repairs, the messy emotions, and the unprompted kindnesses. They’re in the fact that your child still wants to be near you, still trusts you, still sees you as their safe place.
You’re not failing. You’re parenting. And if even a few of these signs sound familiar, then something is working. Even on the days when it doesn’t feel like it.
