You know that sinking feeling when your adult child barely returns your calls? Or when they visit for the holidays and you can feel the tension before they even walk through the door?
I’ve been watching this play out in my own family lately. My parents mean well, they really do, but sometimes I catch myself thinking about how I’ll navigate these waters differently when Ellie and Milo are grown.
Being the middle child, I’ve had a front-row seat to watching my older brother distance himself from our parents, and it breaks my heart.
The truth is, respect isn’t automatic just because we’re parents. It’s something we cultivate through our actions, especially as our kids become adults with their own perspectives and experiences.
After lots of reflection (usually during those quiet morning walks before the kids wake up), I’ve noticed some behaviors that can seriously damage the parent-adult child relationship.
And honestly? Some of these hit close to home because I’ve watched them unfold in real time.
1) Constantly criticizing their life choices
Ever find yourself picking apart your adult child’s decisions? Their career path, their partner, where they live, how they spend their money?
My parents still question why I chose to stay home with the kids instead of going back to corporate life. “But you worked so hard for that degree!” they say. Every. Single. Visit.
Here’s what happens when we do this: Our adult children start avoiding us. They stop sharing their lives because they know judgment is coming. They might smile and nod during visits, but inside they’re counting down the minutes until they can leave.
Your adult child is navigating their own path. They need support, not a running commentary on everything they’re doing “wrong.” Save your advice for when they actually ask for it.
2) Refusing to apologize for past mistakes
“That’s just how we did things back then” or “I did my best with what I knew” might be true, but they’re not apologies.
When your adult child brings up something from their childhood that hurt them, dismissing their feelings or getting defensive creates a wall between you. I’ve watched my parents do this with my brother, and now he barely visits.
A genuine apology doesn’t mean you were a terrible parent. It means you’re human, you made mistakes, and you care enough about the relationship to acknowledge the impact of your actions.
3) Treating them like they’re still children
Do you still tell your 30-year-old how to dress for the weather? Remind them about basic adult tasks they’ve been handling for years?
This one makes me laugh because my mom still does it. Last week she texted to remind me to put sunscreen on the kids. As if I haven’t been doing this daily for five years!
When we infantilize our adult children, we’re essentially saying we don’t trust their judgment. It’s exhausting for them and pushes them away. They’re adults now. Trust that you raised them well enough to handle their own lives.
4) Making everything about yourself
Your adult child shares exciting news about a promotion, and somehow the conversation becomes about your career achievements. They mention a struggle they’re facing, and you launch into how much harder you had it.
I call this “conversation hijacking,” and it’s relationship poison. When everything circles back to you, your adult child stops sharing because what’s the point?
They need a parent who can celebrate with them and support them, not someone who turns every interaction into a competition.
5) Violating their boundaries
This is huge. Maybe you show up unannounced, share their personal information with others, or give unsolicited parenting advice about their kids.
My parents struggled with this when I started my natural parenting journey. They’d sneak the kids sugary snacks after I asked them not to, or make comments about cloth diapers being “unnecessary work.”
It took multiple conversations and some firm boundaries before they started respecting our choices.
When you ignore boundaries, you’re telling your adult child that your wants matter more than their needs. That’s not a foundation for respect.
6) Playing the victim
“After everything I’ve done for you…” Sound familiar?
Guilt-tripping your adult child into spending time with you or making certain choices creates resentment, not closeness. Yes, you sacrificed for them.
That was your choice as a parent. Using it as emotional leverage decades later? That’s manipulation.
Your adult child shouldn’t feel obligated to manage your emotions or make life decisions based on not disappointing you.
7) Refusing to see them as equals
At what point do we stop being the all-knowing parent and start being fellow adults navigating life together?
Some parents never make this shift. They still need to be right, still need to have the final word, still position themselves as the authority on everything.
But your adult child has their own experiences, education, and wisdom now. They might even know more than you about certain things (shocking, I know!).
The most beautiful parent-adult child relationships I’ve witnessed involve mutual respect and the ability to learn from each other.
8) Comparing them to others
“Your cousin just bought a house” or “Sarah’s daughter visits her every week.”
Comparisons are destructive at any age, but they’re particularly damaging with adult children. You’re essentially telling them they’re not good enough as they are.
This breeds resentment not just toward you, but often toward the person they’re being compared to.
Your adult child is their own person with their own timeline, values, and circumstances. Comparing them to others shows you’re not really seeing or accepting who they are.
Final thoughts
Writing this has been a bit uncomfortable because I see myself making some of these mistakes already with my little ones. And watching my parents navigate their relationships with us adult children? It’s been eye-opening.
The good news is that it’s never too late to change these patterns. I’ve seen my parents slowly shift some of their behaviors, especially after honest conversations about how certain things affect our relationship.
Respect from our adult children isn’t something we’re entitled to just because we raised them.
It’s something we earn through how we treat them as adults. It requires us to evolve, to let go of control, and to see them as the capable individuals they’ve become.
Maybe the hardest part is accepting that the parent-child dynamic needs to transform as our kids grow. But when we get it right? When we can be supportive without being overbearing, involved without being intrusive?
That’s when we get to experience the joy of a genuine friendship with the amazing adults we raised.
And isn’t that what we all want in the end?
