Ever catch yourself wondering why your kids seem to tune you out more and more? I’ve been there, staring at my five-year-old’s back as she walks away mid-conversation, or watching my toddler completely ignore my third request to put on shoes.
The truth that took me way too long to figure out? Respect isn’t automatic just because we’re the parents. It’s something we can actually chip away at without even realizing it, through small daily habits that seem harmless or even helpful in the moment.
After seven years teaching kindergarten before having my daughter, I thought I had this parenting thing figured out. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. The classroom taught me about child development, but being a mom taught me about the subtle ways we can undermine our own authority without meaning to.
These seven habits are the ones I’ve either caught myself doing or watched other well-meaning parents fall into. They’re sneaky because they often come from a good place, but the damage builds up slowly, like water eroding rock.
1) Breaking your own rules constantly
“No snacks before dinner!” How many times have I said that, only to cave five minutes later when those big eyes look up at me?
Here’s what I’ve learned the hard way: every time we set a boundary and then immediately move it, we’re teaching our kids that our words don’t really mean anything. They start testing every single rule because they’ve learned that “no” might actually mean “maybe if you ask enough times.”
My daughter recently called me out on this. We have a rule about one episode of her nature show before quiet time, but I’d been letting it slide when I needed to finish something. One day she looked at me and said, “You always say one but you never mean it.” Ouch. But she was right.
The fix isn’t being rigid about everything. It’s being intentional about which rules really matter and sticking to those while being upfront when we’re making exceptions. “Usually it’s one episode, but today we can watch two because we finished our morning activities early” hits different than just caving without explanation.
2) Using empty threats you’ll never follow through on
“If you don’t clean up those toys right now, I’m throwing them all away!”
Sound familiar? I used to toss these around like confetti until I realized my kids had figured out I was all bark, no bite. Empty threats are respect killers because they reveal us as paper tigers.
The worst part is that kids are incredibly smart about this. They catalog every threat we don’t follow through on. By the tenth empty threat, they’ve learned to completely tune out our warnings because they know nothing will actually happen.
Now I only say what I’m genuinely prepared to do. Instead of threatening to cancel the park trip I’ve been looking forward to all week, I might say toys that aren’t cleaned up go in a box in my closet for two days. Smaller, realistic consequences I’ll actually enforce work so much better than dramatic threats I’ll never follow through on.
3) Dismissing their feelings while demanding they respect yours
Have you ever found yourself saying “You’re fine, stop crying” while also expecting your child to comfort you when you’ve had a rough day?
This double standard slowly teaches kids that their emotional experiences don’t matter as much as ours. When we brush off their big feelings about small problems (to us), but expect them to take our stress seriously, we’re creating an imbalance that breeds resentment.
My two-year-old had a meltdown last week because his banana broke in half. My first instinct was to say “It’s just a banana!” But I stopped myself. To him, that broken banana was genuinely upsetting.
Taking a moment to acknowledge “Oh no, your banana broke and you wanted it whole. That’s frustrating!” cost me nothing but showed him his feelings matter.
4) Constantly contradicting your partner in front of the kids
Nothing undermines parental authority faster than parents who can’t get on the same page. When one parent says yes and the other immediately says no, kids learn to play you against each other.
Matt and I learned this lesson after our daughter started going to him every time I said no to something, knowing he might give a different answer. She’d literally walk past me mid-conversation to ask him the same question.
Now we have a rule: if one parent makes a decision, the other backs it up in the moment, even if we disagree. We can discuss it privately later and adjust if needed, but in front of the kids, we’re a team. “Let me check with Mom/Dad first” has become our favorite phrase when we’re not sure about something.
5) Oversharing adult problems with your children
Kids need to know we’re human, but they don’t need to be our therapists. When we dump adult worries on them, whether it’s money stress, relationship issues, or work drama, we flip the parent-child relationship in a way that makes them lose respect for our role as the stable adult in their life.
I’ve caught myself starting to vent about budget stress to my five-year-old when she asks why we can’t buy something. But “Money is really tight this month” puts adult worry on her shoulders. Instead, “That’s not in our plan for today” keeps the boundary without the burden.
6) Apologizing for everything or nothing
Do you know parents who apologize constantly for everything, even normal parenting decisions? Or the opposite, those who never admit they’re wrong even when they obviously messed up?
Both extremes erode respect. Over-apologizing makes you seem unsure of your own authority. Never apologizing teaches kids that adults don’t have to take responsibility for their mistakes.
I practice repair quickly when I lose patience, but I’m specific about what I’m apologizing for. “I’m sorry I yelled. I was frustrated but that wasn’t okay” is different from “I’m so sorry I had to say no to ice cream, I’m the worst mom ever.” One models accountability, the other undermines necessary boundaries.
7) Making everything a battle
When every single thing becomes a power struggle, kids stop respecting our judgment about what’s actually important. If we’re equally intense about teeth brushing and running into traffic, how can they tell the difference?
I used to fight about everything. Clothes, breakfast choices, which shoes to wear. Then I realized I was exhausting both of us and teaching my daughter that I was just someone who said no to everything.
Now I pick my battles. Safety issues and kindness are non-negotiable. But the tutu over snow pants? The mixing of play-doh colors that makes me cringe? Not worth the fight. When I do put my foot down now, she knows I mean it because I’m not constantly battling her about everything.
The bottom line
Respect isn’t about being the perfect parent or never making mistakes. It’s about being consistent enough that our kids can trust what we say, balanced enough that they feel heard, and human enough that they see us take responsibility for our own actions.
These habits sneak up on us because parenting is exhausting and we’re all just doing our best. But once you start noticing them, you can’t unsee them. And that awareness? That’s where the change begins.
The good news is kids are incredibly forgiving. Every day is a chance to build back that respect through small, consistent actions. Our words matching our actions. Our consequences being predictable. Our emotions being regulated enough that we can help them with theirs.
Your kids want to respect you. They want that security of knowing you’re the capable adult in the room. Sometimes we just need to get out of our own way and let that happen.
