I spent years thinking I needed to get everything right. The perfect response to every tantrum. The ideal balance of discipline and warmth. The flawless example of emotional regulation at all times. Spoiler alert: I failed spectacularly and often.
But here’s what I’ve learned after raising my own children and now watching my grandchildren grow. The pursuit of perfect parenting is not only impossible but actually misses the point entirely.
Children are remarkably resilient little humans. They don’t need parents who never make mistakes. They need parents who show up consistently, even when showing up looks messy and imperfect.
As noted by psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott, the concept of the “good enough” parent suggests that children thrive not from perfection but from consistent, attuned care that meets their needs most of the time. So what does that actually look like in practice?
1) They make their children feel seen
Have you ever tried to tell someone about your day while they scrolled through their phone? You know that hollow feeling when you realize they’re only half listening? Children feel that too, perhaps even more acutely than we do.
Making a child feel seen doesn’t require grand gestures. It means pausing what you’re doing when they want to show you something. It means getting down to their eye level when they’re talking. It means noticing when something seems off and gently asking about it.
On bad days, this might look like simply acknowledging them. “I see you’re really proud of that drawing” or “It sounds like you had a tough time at school today.”
You don’t need to fix anything or have all the answers. The act of truly noticing them, of reflecting back what you observe, tells a child that they matter. That their inner world is worthy of attention. This is the foundation of healthy self-worth.
2) They repair after ruptures
I’ve mentioned this before but it bears repeating because it changed everything for me as a parent. The magic isn’t in avoiding conflict or never losing your temper. The magic is in what happens afterward.
Every relationship has ruptures. You snap at your child because you’re exhausted. You react too harshly to a minor mistake. You’re distracted and dismiss something that mattered to them. These moments happen to every single parent, and they will happen to you no matter how hard you try to prevent them.
What matters is the repair. Coming back later and saying, “I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I was frustrated, but that wasn’t fair to you.”
This teaches children something profound. It shows them that relationships can withstand conflict. That mistakes don’t mean the end of love. That taking responsibility is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Research from the Gottman Institute has shown that repair attempts are one of the most critical factors in relationship health. This applies to our relationships with our children just as much as with our partners.
3) They provide predictable routines and responses
Children’s brains are constantly trying to make sense of the world. They’re looking for patterns, trying to predict what comes next. When life feels chaotic and unpredictable, their nervous systems stay on high alert.
Consistency provides safety. This doesn’t mean rigidity or never deviating from the schedule. It means that children can generally predict how their day will flow and how their parents will respond to different situations.
On your worst days, maintaining some basic structure helps more than you might realize. Maybe dinner is frozen pizza and bedtime is a bit late, but the bath still happens before books, and the goodnight routine stays the same.
Maybe you’re too tired for your usual patience, but your child still knows that hitting isn’t allowed and that you’ll talk things through once everyone calms down. These predictable anchors help children feel secure even when everything else feels wobbly.
4) They name and validate emotions
“You’re fine” might be the two most dismissive words in parenting. I know I said them plenty of times, usually when I was overwhelmed and wanted the crying to stop. But children aren’t fine when they’re upset, and telling them otherwise teaches them to distrust their own emotional experiences.
What children need instead is someone who helps them understand what they’re feeling. “You seem really angry that your sister took your toy.” “I think you might be feeling nervous about starting at the new school.” “It’s disappointing when things don’t go the way we hoped.”
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their reaction or let them behave however they want. You can validate the emotion while still holding a boundary. “I understand you’re furious right now, and it’s still not okay to throw things.”
On difficult days, even a simple “That’s really hard” can make a child feel understood. You’re teaching them that all emotions are acceptable, even if all behaviors aren’t. This emotional vocabulary becomes the foundation for their ability to regulate themselves as they grow.
5) They show up physically and emotionally
Presence is perhaps the most underrated gift we can give our children. And I don’t mean being in the same room while your mind is elsewhere, planning tomorrow’s meetings or replaying an argument with your spouse.
True presence means being available. It means your child knows they can come to you with problems, questions, fears, and joys. It means carving out moments of undivided attention, even if those moments are brief.
I remember my own father, a busy man with many demands on his time. What I remember most isn’t the big holidays or expensive gifts. It’s the Saturday mornings when he’d take me to the hardware store and let me help pick out supplies for whatever project he was working on.
He wasn’t trying to create a special memory. He was just including me in his life. On bad days, presence might look like sitting next to your child while they play, even if you’re too drained to actively participate.
It might mean reading an extra story at bedtime because you know you were distracted all afternoon. Small deposits of genuine presence add up to something children carry with them forever.
6) They set boundaries with warmth
Here’s something that took me far too long to understand. Boundaries aren’t the opposite of love. They’re an expression of it. Children actually feel safer when they know where the limits are, even as they push against them.
The key is holding those boundaries with warmth rather than harshness. As developmental research has consistently shown, authoritative parenting, which combines high warmth with clear expectations, produces the best outcomes for children across nearly every measure.
This means being firm without being cold. “I know you want to keep playing, and it’s time for bed now.” “I love you, and the answer is still no.”
On tough days, you might not have the energy for lengthy explanations or creative redirection. That’s okay. A simple, calm boundary still communicates safety.
What matters is that your child knows the rules don’t change based on your mood, and that limits come from a place of care rather than control. They might not thank you for it now, but they’re building an internal sense of structure they’ll carry into adulthood.
7) They model being human
Perhaps the most counterintuitive thing on this list is that children benefit from seeing us struggle. Not suffer, mind you, and not be overwhelmed to the point where they feel responsible for our wellbeing. But struggle in healthy, boundaried ways.
When children see us make mistakes and recover, they learn resilience. When they see us feel frustrated and calm ourselves down, they learn regulation. When they see us apologize and make amends, they learn accountability.
If you are a regular reader, you may remember I’ve written about how my grandchildren have taught me as much as I’ve taught them.
Part of what they’ve shown me is that children are incredibly perceptive. They know when we’re pretending to be fine. They sense when we’re performing perfection rather than living authentically.
On bad days, it’s okay to say, “I’m having a hard time today, and I might need a little extra patience.” It’s okay to let them see you take deep breaths or step away to collect yourself. You’re not burdening them. You’re showing them that difficult emotions are part of life and that we can move through them without falling apart.
The gift of good enough
Perfection is a myth that serves no one. It exhausts parents and sets an impossible standard for children to internalize. What our kids actually need is far more achievable and far more meaningful.
They need us to see them, repair with them, provide consistency, validate their emotions, be present, hold loving boundaries, and model our own humanity. Not perfectly. Not every single moment. But consistently enough that they know what to expect from us and from themselves.
So the next time you’re having one of those days where everything feels like it’s falling apart, remember this. Your children don’t need you to be perfect. They need you to keep showing up, imperfectly and authentically, day after day. That’s the real work of parenting. And you’re probably doing better at it than you think.
What’s one thing from this list you could focus on today, even if today is a hard one?
