There’s a moment in every tantrum when you feel it rising in your own chest. The urge to match their volume, to just make it stop, to give in because you’re exhausted and the grocery store is staring.
I’ve been there more times than I can count, standing in the kitchen while a two-year-old melts down over a broken banana.
But here’s what I’ve learned: the words we reach for in those heated moments matter more than we realize. The right phrase can be like a pressure valve, releasing some of that big emotion and creating space for connection.
Child therapists use specific language every single day to help kids move through overwhelming feelings, and the good news is that we can use these same phrases at home. No special training required. Just a willingness to try something different when everything in you wants to react.
1) “You’re safe. I’m right here.”
When a child is in the grip of a tantrum, their nervous system has essentially sounded the alarm. They’re flooded, dysregulated, and often genuinely scared by the intensity of their own emotions. In that moment, logic doesn’t land. Explanations bounce right off.
What does land is safety. As noted by Dr. Dan Siegel, clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, children need to feel safe and connected before they can process what’s happening. His research on the developing brain shows that co-regulation from a calm adult helps a child’s nervous system settle.
So instead of launching into why they can’t have the thing or do the thing, try starting here. Get low, make yourself small and close, and offer these words like an anchor. “You’re safe. I’m right here.” You’re not fixing anything yet. You’re just being the steady ground they need.
2) “I can see this is really hard for you.”
Validation is one of the most powerful tools we have, and it costs us nothing. When we name what a child is experiencing without judgment, something shifts. They feel seen. And feeling seen is often the first step toward calming down.
This phrase works because it doesn’t argue with the emotion. It doesn’t minimize or dismiss. It simply reflects back what you’re observing. “I can see this is really hard for you.” You’re not agreeing that the broken cracker is a tragedy. You’re acknowledging that to them, in this moment, it feels like one.
I’ve used this one countless times when my daughter has been overwhelmed by something that seemed small to me but was enormous in her world. The shift isn’t always immediate, but I can see her shoulders drop just a little when she realizes I’m not going to fight her feelings.
3) “I’m going to stay with you until you feel better.”
One of the deepest fears children have during a meltdown is that their big feelings will push us away. That they’re too much. That we’ll leave, either physically or emotionally. This phrase directly addresses that fear.
When you say “I’m going to stay with you until you feel better,” you’re communicating commitment. You’re telling them that their worst moments won’t cost them your presence. This is attachment in action, and it builds the kind of trust that makes future hard moments a little easier to navigate.
Sometimes staying with them means sitting quietly nearby. Sometimes it means holding them if they want to be held. The key is following their lead while making it clear you’re not going anywhere. Even if they push back initially, knowing you’ll stay often helps the storm pass faster.
4) “You wish you could have that. I get it.”
This one comes from the work of Dr. Harvey Karp, and it’s deceptively simple. When a child wants something they can’t have, whether it’s more screen time, a toy at the store, or staying at the park forever, acknowledging the wish itself can be incredibly soothing.
“You wish you could have that. I get it.” You’re not giving in. You’re not changing the boundary. But you’re honoring the desire behind the tantrum. Children feel understood when we can articulate what they want, even as we hold the line.
I find this especially helpful with my son, who at two has very big opinions about very specific things. When I can say “You really wish you could have another popsicle. That makes sense, they’re so good,” something in him relaxes. The no still stands, but it doesn’t feel like a rejection of him as a person.
5) “Let’s take some breaths together.”
Notice the word “together” here. We’re not telling them to calm down, which rarely works and often backfires. We’re inviting them into a shared experience of regulation.
Deep breathing actually does help reset the nervous system, but only if the child is calm enough to participate. That’s why this phrase works best after you’ve offered some initial validation and connection. Once they’re starting to come down from the peak of the meltdown, you can gently suggest breathing together.
Make it playful if that helps. Smell the flowers, blow out the candles. Breathe in like you’re smelling hot cocoa, breathe out like you’re cooling it off.
When we breathe slowly and visibly alongside them, we’re modeling regulation in real time. Our calm nervous system can actually help regulate theirs through what researchers call co-regulation.
6) “I won’t let you hurt yourself or anyone else.”
Some tantrums get physical. Hitting, kicking, throwing things. In those moments, children need a calm, firm boundary that also communicates care. This phrase does both.
“I won’t let you hurt yourself or anyone else.” There’s no anger in it, no threat. Just a clear statement of protection. You’re keeping everyone safe, including them. As Janet Lansbury has written extensively, children actually feel more secure when they know we’ll step in and hold boundaries with confidence.
This might mean gently blocking a hit, moving them to a safer space, or holding them firmly but lovingly until the urge to lash out passes. The key is staying regulated yourself. Your calm is the container for their chaos. When you can set a limit without escalating, you’re teaching them that boundaries and love can coexist.
7) “You can be mad. I’m not mad at you.”
Children often worry that their anger will make us angry at them. That their big feelings will damage the relationship. This phrase separates the emotion from the connection.
“You can be mad. I’m not mad at you.” You’re giving them permission to feel what they feel while reassuring them that your love isn’t conditional on their behavior in this moment. This is huge for emotional development. It teaches them that all feelings are acceptable, even when all behaviors aren’t.
I remember a moment with my daughter when she was furious with me for saying no to something. She screamed that she hated me, and instead of reacting, I said quietly, “You can be mad at me. I still love you.” She burst into tears and crawled into my lap. The anger wasn’t really about me. It rarely is.
8) “When you’re ready, I’d love to hear more about what’s wrong.”
This phrase plants a seed. It tells the child that you’re interested in understanding them, but you’re not going to force it. You’re giving them agency over when they’re ready to talk.
“When you’re ready, I’d love to hear more about what’s wrong.” It communicates patience and genuine curiosity. It also takes the pressure off the immediate moment, which can help a child move through the tantrum faster knowing that connection is waiting on the other side.
Sometimes kids take you up on it right away. Sometimes it’s hours later, at bedtime, when they finally circle back to what was really bothering them. Either way, you’ve opened a door. You’ve shown them that their inner world matters to you and that you’re willing to wait for them to let you in.
9) “This feeling will pass. Feelings always do.”
In the middle of a tantrum, children genuinely believe the terrible feeling will last forever. They don’t have the life experience yet to know that emotions are temporary, that this wave will crest and eventually recede.
“This feeling will pass. Feelings always do.” You’re offering perspective without dismissing the current pain. You’re teaching them something true and important about the nature of emotions.
The CDC notes that learning to manage emotions is a critical developmental milestone, and part of that learning is understanding that feelings come and go.
This phrase has become a bit of a mantra in our house. I use it for the kids, and honestly, I use it for myself too. When we’re all in the thick of a hard moment, remembering that it won’t last forever helps everyone hold on just a little longer.
Closing thoughts
None of these phrases are magic spells. They won’t work every time, and some days you’ll forget them entirely and just survive the tantrum however you can. That’s okay. Parenting isn’t about perfection.
But having a few go-to phrases in your back pocket can make a real difference over time. They shift us from reacting to responding. They help us stay connected to our kids even in their hardest moments.
And they teach our children that their big feelings are manageable, that they’re not alone, and that we’re on their team no matter what.
The next time a meltdown hits, try just one of these. See how it feels in your mouth, how your child responds. You might be surprised at how much a few simple words can change the whole temperature of a moment.
