Last week, my mom asked if she could watch the kids while Matt and I grabbed dinner. “Of course,” I said, then watched her face fall when I mentioned bedtime was at 7:30. “That’s so early! When you were little, you stayed up until we were ready for bed.” And there it was again—that subtle dismissal of my parenting choices that’s become so familiar.
We all carry invisible wounds from childhood. Some heal clean, leaving barely a trace. Others stay tender for decades, aching every time we bump against them. But there’s one wound that cuts deeper than all the rest, one that can sever the bond between parent and child permanently.
And the heartbreaking part? Most parents who inflict it have no idea they’re doing it.
The one unforgivable sin
Here’s what psychology tells us: children will forgive almost anything. They’ll forgive absent parents, angry parents, even parents who make terrible mistakes. What they can’t forgive—what drives adult children away for good—is chronic invalidation.
Invalidation is the consistent dismissal of a child’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. It’s telling them their emotions are wrong, their perceptions are incorrect, their memories aren’t real. It’s the parent who says “you’re being too sensitive” when their child expresses hurt.
The one who insists “that never happened” when confronted with painful memories. The one who responds to every concern with “you’re overreacting.”
Dr. Karyl McBride, who specializes in family relationships, explains that chronic invalidation creates a form of psychological injury that’s incredibly difficult to heal. When the very person who should validate your reality constantly denies it, you begin to doubt your own mind.
1) Why invalidation cuts so deep
Think about it: as children, our parents are our first mirror. They show us who we are, what we’re worth, whether our feelings matter. When that mirror constantly reflects back “you’re wrong about yourself,” something fundamental breaks.
Growing up, my family didn’t have much money, but we always had a garden and homemade meals. I remember being embarrassed about our secondhand clothes, and when I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom, she laughed. “Don’t be silly. Nobody even notices what you wear.”
But they did notice. The kids at school made sure I knew they noticed. That dismissal of my very real experience taught me to doubt my own feelings.
The research backs this up. A study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that parental invalidation in childhood is linked to increased emotional dysregulation, anxiety, and relationship difficulties in adulthood. When children learn their feelings don’t matter, they carry that belief into every relationship they’ll ever have.
2) The invisible pattern most parents miss
The tricky thing about invalidation? It often comes wrapped in good intentions. Parents think they’re helping when they say things like:
“Don’t cry, it’s not that bad.”
“You’re making a mountain out of a molehill.”
“Just think positive!”
“Other kids have it so much worse.”
Sound familiar? I catch myself doing it sometimes with my own kids. Just yesterday, my daughter came to me upset because her friend didn’t want to play her game at preschool. My first instinct was to say “Oh honey, it’s no big deal, you can play something else.” But I stopped myself. Because to her, it was a big deal.
Instead, I sat down at her level. “That must have felt really disappointing when your friend didn’t want to play your game.” Her whole body relaxed. She wasn’t looking for me to fix it. She just needed to know her feelings were real and valid.
3) When parents become strangers to their adult children
Here’s what happens when invalidation becomes a pattern: children learn to hide their true selves. They stop sharing their real thoughts and feelings because what’s the point? Mom or Dad will just tell them they’re wrong anyway.
Fast forward twenty years, and you have adult children who keep their parents at arm’s length. Surface-level conversations. Infrequent visits. Major life decisions made without consultation. The parent wonders what went wrong, completely unaware that they spent decades teaching their child that their inner world wasn’t welcome.
I’m watching this play out with my own parents right now. As the middle child of three, I learned early to keep the peace, to not rock the boat with my “different” ideas. Now, as I navigate gentle parenting with my own kids, setting boundaries with family about our parenting choices feels like climbing a mountain.
My parents are skeptical of what they call my “hippie parenting”—the co-sleeping, the extended breastfeeding, the low screens approach. They’re slowly coming around, but every eye roll, every “we didn’t do that and you turned out fine” is another small invalidation.
4) Breaking the cycle before it’s too late
The good news? It’s never too late to change this pattern. Whether you’re parenting young children or trying to repair a relationship with adult kids, the antidote to invalidation is simple (though not always easy): validation.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. It means acknowledging that someone’s feelings and experiences are real to them. It sounds like:
“I can see this is really important to you.”
“That sounds really difficult.”
“Help me understand what that was like for you.”
“Your feelings make complete sense.”
Clinical psychologist Dr. Guy Winch notes that validation is one of the most powerful tools for building connection and trust. When we validate others, we tell them they matter, their experiences are real, and they’re not alone.
5) The practice that changes everything
Want to know the quickest way to stop invalidating? Get curious instead of corrective. When your child (at any age) shares something with you, resist the urge to immediately correct, minimize, or silver-line their experience.
Last month, my son had a complete meltdown because his block tower kept falling down. Everything in me wanted to say “It’s just blocks, buddy, no big deal.” But I remembered: to him, this is his work, his creation, his current entire world.
So instead I said, “You worked so hard on that tower. It must be really frustrating when it keeps falling down.” He looked at me, really looked at me, and nodded. Then he took a deep breath and tried again.
That’s the power of validation. It doesn’t fix the problem, but it does something more important: it says “I see you. I hear you. You matter.”
A closing thought on healing what’s been broken
If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself—either as the parent who invalidated or the child who was invalidated—know that recognition is the first step toward healing. We all carry patterns from our own childhoods.
The question isn’t whether we’ll make mistakes with our kids (we will), but whether we’re willing to see those mistakes and do better.
For parents wondering why their adult children seem distant, consider this: have you spent more time telling them who they should be than asking who they are? Have you dismissed their feelings more than you’ve acknowledged them? It might be time for a different conversation, one that starts with “Help me understand” instead of “You’re wrong.”
And for those of us raising little ones right now? We have the chance to do differently. Every time we resist the urge to dismiss, minimize, or correct our children’s feelings, we’re building a bridge instead of a wall. We’re telling them their inner world is safe with us.
That’s the gift I want to give my children—not perfect parenting, but the deep knowing that their feelings matter, their experiences are valid, and they never have to hide who they really are. Because at the end of the day, being truly seen and accepted by the people who raised you? That’s the foundation everything else is built on.
