Last week, my mom called to ask if she could watch the kids while Matt and I grabbed dinner. Without hesitation, I said yes. But here’s what struck me: she didn’t just offer out of obligation or because she thought we needed help. She genuinely wanted to spend time with them.
As I watched her chase my two-year-old around the living room while my five-year-old showed her every single rock from her collection, I realized something. My parents actually enjoy being grandparents. They’re not just doing their duty; they’re choosing to be part of our lives.
And that got me thinking about what makes the difference between parents whose adult kids genuinely want them around versus those who get the obligatory holiday visit. After reflecting on my own childhood and watching other families navigate these relationships, I’ve noticed some clear patterns.
If you want your kids to actually seek out your company when they’re raising their own little ones someday, these eight things make all the difference.
1) Respect their choices even when you disagree
Remember when you were a new parent and everyone had an opinion about how you should do things? Yeah, that feeling doesn’t go away just because your kids grow up.
When I first started cloth diapering, my parents thought I’d lost my mind. “Why make life harder for yourself?” they asked. But instead of fighting me on it or making passive-aggressive comments, they asked questions. They learned how to use them when babysitting. They respected my choice even though they thought I was being a bit of a hippie.
That respect? It’s everything.
Your adult children will make parenting choices you don’t understand. Maybe they’ll homeschool when you believe in public education. Maybe they’ll formula feed when you nursed all your babies. Whatever it is, bite your tongue before offering unsolicited advice.
Ask yourself: Is this a safety issue or just a different approach? If it’s just different, let it be. Your relationship with your grandkids depends on your relationship with their parents first.
2) Admit your mistakes from their childhood
This one’s tough, but it’s so important.
A few months ago, I was venting to my mom about how exhausted I was, and she said something that stopped me in my tracks: “I remember that feeling. I wish I’d asked for more help when you were little. I thought I had to do everything myself, and I think you kids missed out on a calmer version of me.”
Hearing her acknowledge that? It healed something in me I didn’t even know needed healing.
We all mess up as parents. Maybe you were too strict. Maybe you were absent because of work. Maybe you lost your temper more than you’d like to admit. Whatever it was, acknowledging it to your adult children shows them you see them as equals now, not just as kids who should respect you no matter what.
It also gives them permission to be imperfect parents themselves.
3) Show genuine interest in who they’ve become
Your kids aren’t extensions of you. They’re whole people with their own interests, dreams, and quirks.
Do you know what your adult child is passionate about beyond their role as a parent? What books are they reading? What are they struggling with at work? What makes them laugh these days?
When parents stay curious about who their children are becoming, rather than stuck on who they used to be, it creates space for real friendship to develop. And that’s what you want with your adult kids: friendship, not just a role-based relationship.
4) Give them space to parent their way
Every Thursday, my mom takes the kids to the farmers market. But here’s what she doesn’t do: undermine our parenting while she’s with them.
She doesn’t sneak them candy we’ve said no to. She doesn’t let them watch screens when we’ve set limits. She doesn’t tell them “Don’t tell your parents” about anything.
When grandparents respect the rules and routines parents have established, it shows respect for their authority. It says, “I trust you to know what’s best for your family.”
Sure, grandparents can be the fun ones sometimes. But being the fun one by breaking mom and dad’s rules? That’s a quick way to limited access to those grandkids.
5) Take care of your own emotional needs
Have you ever had a friend who only called when they needed something? Exhausting, right?
The same thing happens when parents rely too heavily on their adult children for emotional support. Your kids shouldn’t be your primary source of happiness, validation, or social interaction.
When you have your own friends, hobbies, and sources of fulfillment, you can show up for your kids without neediness. You can enjoy their company without desperately clinging to it. You become someone they want to spend time with, not someone they feel obligated to check on.
6) Be helpful without being asked
When my parents visit, my dad automatically starts fixing things around the house while my mom folds laundry or plays with the kids so I can shower. They don’t ask, “What can we do?” They just notice what needs doing and do it.
But here’s the key: they also know when to stop. They don’t reorganize my entire kitchen because they think their way is better. They don’t take over bedtime because they assume I need a break.
Finding that balance between being helpful and being intrusive takes awareness, but it’s worth figuring out. Adult children remember who made their lives easier versus who made them feel incompetent.
7) Create new traditions that work for everyone
The holidays used to stress me out because we were trying to maintain all the old traditions from my childhood while starting our own. Everything felt forced and exhausting.
Then my parents suggested something radical: What if we changed things up? What if we did Thanksgiving dinner at lunch so the kids weren’t melting down by dessert? What if we opened presents in pajamas instead of getting dressed up?
When parents are flexible about evolving traditions to fit their adult children’s lives, it shows respect and consideration. It says, “Your comfort and happiness matter as much as maintaining the way we’ve always done things.”
8) Love them through their struggles without fixing everything
Last month, I called my mom crying because potty training was going terribly and I felt like a failure. Know what she didn’t do? Jump in with twenty solutions or stories about how she potty trained me in three days.
She just listened. She said, “This sounds really hard. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.”
When your adult kids struggle, resist the urge to fix everything. Sometimes they need your wisdom, but often they just need your presence. They need to know you believe in their ability to figure things out.
The truth about staying close
Building a relationship where your adult children genuinely want you around isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being respectful, curious, and emotionally aware.
It’s about seeing your children as the adults they’ve become while still being their safe place when life gets hard. It’s about adding to their lives without taking over, supporting without smothering, and loving without conditions.
The parents who get those precious Sunday dinners, spontaneous visits, and “Hey, want to come to the zoo with us?” calls aren’t necessarily the ones who were perfect when their kids were young. They’re the ones who learned to evolve their role as their children grew.
Start practicing these things now, whatever age your kids are. Because someday, if you’re lucky, you’ll be the grandparent who gets that call asking if you can watch the kids, not because they need you to, but because everyone genuinely wants you there.
