You know that moment when you watch your mom slip your daughter an extra cookie before dinner, the same woman who once sent you to bed without dessert for not finishing your vegetables? I had one of those revelations last week when my parents visited.
My daughter was building a fort in the living room, and instead of the “clean up this mess right now” I grew up hearing, my mom just stepped around the cushions with a smile, asking if she needed more pillows.
It got me thinking about this fascinating shift I’ve been noticing. The same parents who raised us with charts, chores, and consequences have somehow transformed into these marshmallow-soft grandparents who think bedtime is merely a suggestion.
And you know what? There’s actually some pretty interesting psychology behind this complete personality flip.
After doing some digging and reflecting on my own family dynamics, I’ve identified seven psychological shifts that explain why our strict parents have become the ultimate rule-breakers with their grandkids.
1. The pressure valve has been released
Remember how intense our parents were about everything? Every grade mattered, every mistake was a teaching moment, every decision felt monumental. Well, here’s the thing: they were carrying the weight of raising functional humans who wouldn’t end up living in their basement forever.
Now? That pressure is gone. They’ve already successfully launched their kids into the world. We turned out okay (mostly), and they can finally exhale. With grandkids, they get to enjoy the fun parts without the anxiety of “am I screwing this up?” hanging over their heads.
My mom recently told me she used to lie awake worrying about whether she was being too strict or not strict enough with us. With my kids? She sleeps like a baby after sugaring them up and sending them home.
2. They’ve discovered the joy of being the favorite
Growing up in my small Midwest town, my parents were all about discipline and respect. Being liked wasn’t the goal; raising responsible adults was. But something shifts when you become a grandparent. Suddenly, there’s this delicious freedom to just be the fun one.
Think about it: they don’t have to be the bad guy anymore. They can be the hero who says yes to ice cream for breakfast and lets the kids stay up past bedtime. After years of being the enforcer, they finally get to be the one the kids run to with excitement instead of hiding from.
The psychological reward of pure, uncomplicated adoration is intoxicating. Who wouldn’t choose being the favorite over being the disciplinarian?
3. Time scarcity changes everything
When you’re raising kids, you think you have forever. There’s always tomorrow to have fun, to be lenient, to make memories. You’re focused on the long game of character building and life preparation.
But grandparents see time differently. They know how fast it goes. They’ve watched their own babies grow up and leave, and now they’re acutely aware that their time with grandkids is limited. Weekend visits, holidays, occasional sleepovers. Every moment feels precious, and who wants to waste precious moments enforcing rules?
This time scarcity creates a psychological shift toward maximizing joy and connection over maintaining structure. Why spend your limited hours together arguing about vegetables when you could be making cookies and telling stories?
4. The wisdom of what really matters
Here’s something wild: all those things our parents stressed about when raising us? Many of them turned out not to matter much. We survived despite eating candy sometimes, staying up late occasionally, and yes, even skipping a few baths.
With age comes perspective. Grandparents have had decades to realize that the small stuff they sweated over really was small stuff. That perfectly made bed? Not a predictor of future success. That insistence on finishing every last bite? Didn’t prevent us from becoming functioning adults.
They’ve learned that connection matters more than control, that memories matter more than manners (within reason), and that a little chaos never killed anyone.
5. The biological imperative shifts
There’s actual science here. When we’re actively parenting, our brains are wired for protection and preparation. We’re constantly scanning for dangers, teaching survival skills, establishing boundaries. Our stress hormones are engaged in keeping these little humans alive and socialized.
But grandparents? Their biological role has shifted. The urgency is gone. Their stress hormones aren’t firing the same way. Instead, they’re flooded with oxytocin and dopamine when they’re with grandkids. Pure bonding chemicals without the cortisol cocktail of responsibility.
It’s like they get all the feel-good hormones of parenting without the anxiety-inducing ones. No wonder they’re so chill about everything.
6. They’re making peace with their own strictness
This one hits close to home. My parents were skeptical of my “hippie parenting” approach at first (their words for my attachment parenting and organic everything lifestyle). But watching them with my kids, I see something else: they’re almost making amends for their own rigidity.
Many grandparents look back and wish they’d been less strict, more present, more playful. Spoiling grandkids becomes a sort of do-over, a chance to be the parent they wish they could have been if they hadn’t been so worried about getting it right.
It’s not regret exactly, but recognition. They see now that they could have loosened up a bit, and grandkids give them the opportunity to explore what that might have looked like.
7. The relationship dynamic is completely different
As parents, they were responsible for everything. Discipline, education, values, health, safety, future success. The weight of that responsibility shaped every interaction. But as grandparents? Their job description is basically “love them and send them home.”
This fundamental shift in responsibility creates a completely different relationship dynamic. Without the burden of primary caregiving, they’re free to just enjoy. They can be fully present without the mental load of what needs to happen next, what lesson needs teaching, what boundary needs enforcing.
They’ve been promoted from manager to consultant, and honestly? It’s a much more fun position.
Final thoughts
Watching my traditionally strict parents transform into these indulgent grandparents has been both amusing and enlightening. Sometimes I catch myself feeling a tiny bit jealous of my kids getting this softer, more playful version of the people who raised me with charts and consequences.
But mostly, I’m grateful. Grateful that my kids get to experience this pure, uncomplicated love. Grateful that my parents get to enjoy this season of grandparenthood without the weight they carried as parents. And grateful for the perspective it gives me on my own parenting journey.
Because maybe, just maybe, I can learn from their transformation. Maybe I don’t have to wait until I’m a grandparent to realize that connection matters more than control, that perfect isn’t the goal, and that a little ice cream before dinner won’t actually ruin everything.
Though I’m still not letting them have cookies for breakfast. I have to draw the line somewhere, even if Grandma doesn’t.
