You know that feeling when your phone lights up with a text from your grown kid saying “Hey, can we come over this weekend?” without you having to drop hints or send that third “How are you?” message of the week?
Some parents get this regularly. Others spend holidays wondering if their adult children will show up at all.
The difference isn’t luck.
After watching friends navigate this territory and thinking ahead to my own future with Ellie and Milo, I’ve noticed something striking: parents whose adult kids genuinely want to spend time with them all seem to have avoided the same relationship-damaging mistakes during the early years.
1) They didn’t make their children their entire identity
Remember when you first became a parent and suddenly everything revolved around nap schedules and diaper brands?
That’s normal, but some parents never shift gears, even as their kids grow.
I caught myself doing this last month. A neighbor asked what I’d been up to, and I launched into a ten-minute monologue about my daughter’s leaf collection project.
Not a word about the book I’d been reading or the new sourdough recipe I’d mastered. Just mom stuff.
Parents who maintain strong relationships with adult children kept developing themselves as individuals throughout the parenting years.
They pursued hobbies, maintained friendships, and had conversations about topics beyond their kids’ achievements. This meant when their children grew up, they still had interesting things to talk about together.
More importantly, their kids didn’t feel the crushing weight of being their parents’ only source of happiness and purpose.
2) They respected boundaries instead of bulldozing through them
“But I’m your mother!” How many times have we heard that used as a free pass to override someone’s clearly stated boundary?
Setting boundaries starts early.
When my two-year-old says he’s done hugging grandma, we respect that. When my five-year-old asks for privacy while changing, she gets it.
These might seem like small things, but they’re practice runs for the bigger boundaries that come later.
Parents with close adult children learned to knock before entering bedrooms, to ask before sharing their kids’ news with others, and to accept “no” without taking it personally.
They understood that respecting boundaries actually strengthens relationships rather than weakening them. Their adult children visit because they want to, not because guilt and obligation drag them there.
3) They apologized when they messed up
Last week, I completely lost it over spilled paint during art time. The mess was minor, but I was tired and overreacted. Later, I sat down with both kids and apologized.
Not “I’m sorry, but you should have been more careful.” Just “I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t okay.”
Do you know how rare genuine parental apologies are? So many of us grew up never hearing our parents admit fault, but parents who maintain strong relationships with adult children normalized taking responsibility for their mistakes.
They showed their kids that everyone messes up, and that relationships require repair work from both sides.
This creates adults who feel safe bringing up issues in the relationship, knowing they’ll be heard rather than dismissed with “After everything I’ve done for you.”
4) They didn’t use emotional manipulation as a parenting tool
“You’re breaking my heart.”
“After all I’ve sacrificed for you.”
“I guess I’m just a terrible mother.”
These phrases might get compliance in the moment, but they plant seeds of resentment that bloom into adult children who limit contact.
Parents with healthy adult relationships skip the guilt trips and martyrdom. They express their feelings without making their children responsible for managing those emotions.
When my daughter chooses to play at a friend’s house instead of staying home with me, I might feel a twinge of disappointment.
But that’s my feeling to process, not her burden to carry. I save my “I missed you today” for when she returns, delivered with a smile rather than a guilt-inducing sigh.
5) They allowed their children to have different opinions
Politics, religion, lifestyle choices, career paths. The list of potential disagreement topics between parents and adult children runs long.
Parents who enjoy regular visits from their grown kids learned early to tolerate, even celebrate, differences of opinion.
This starts young: When your kid declares they hate your favorite food or thinks your music is boring, you can either take it personally or see it as healthy individuation.
I practice this daily. My daughter thinks my beloved gardening is “too dirty” while I internally cringe at her request for sparkly princess everything.
But her opinions are valid, even when they differ from mine.
Parents who maintain close relationships understood that raising a clone would be boring anyway. They engaged in respectful debates, asked genuine questions about different viewpoints, and modeled how to disagree without disconnecting.
6) They didn’t make their love conditional
“I love you, but I’d love you more if you…”
Conditional love might not always be stated that explicitly, but kids feel it.
They notice when parents light up more for the straight-A student than the C student. They remember when affection increased with weight loss or decreased with unconventional choices.
Creating a family culture of unconditional acceptance means your love remains constant even when you’re disappointed or disagree with choices.
When I teach emotional regulation by saying “tell me more” and “I’m listening,” I’m showing my kids that all parts of them are welcome here.
7) They treated their children as individuals, not extensions of themselves
Your child’s success is not your success, and your child’s failure is not your failure.
Parents who grasp this truth early tend to have adult children who actually enjoy their company.
Watch how some parents introduce their kids: “This is my daughter, the doctor” versus just “This is my daughter, Sarah.”
The first makes the child’s achievement about the parent’s pride. The second recognizes the child as a complete person beyond their accomplishments.
I’m working on this now, catching myself before I brag about my kids as if their achievements are my report card.
They’re their own people with their own paths.
The long game of connection
Building a relationship that makes your adult children want to visit takes decades of small, intentional choices.
It means creating different family culture with more emotional openness than maybe you experienced growing up. It requires allowing kids to feel big feelings without rushing them to “fine.”
Every time I respect my toddler’s “no,” apologize for my mistakes, or celebrate my daughter’s wildly different interests, I’m investing in our future relationship. Not because I’m perfect at this, but because I’m trying to build something different.
The parents whose adult children regularly pop by for Sunday dinner or call just to chat didn’t get lucky.
They built relationships based on respect, authenticity, and genuine connection rather than obligation and guilt. They understood that raising children isn’t about creating devoted admirers but about nurturing independent humans who choose to stay connected because the relationship adds value to their lives.
That’s the kind of future I’m working toward, one respectful interaction at a time.
