You know that feeling when you leave a playdate and somehow feel more exhausted than when you arrived? Like you need a nap and maybe a good cry? Then there are those other times when you float home feeling lighter, energized, ready to tackle bedtime with actual patience?
The difference is the mom friends you’re spending time with.
I’ve learned this the hard way: When I first started choosing a more natural parenting path, I lost some friendships I thought would last forever.
It stung, but what emerged from that painful pruning was something beautiful: Real connections with women who genuinely support each other through this wild journey of motherhood.
After years of navigating mom friendships (some that left me depleted, others that became lifelines), I’ve noticed clear patterns.
Here are the key differences between friends who drain your energy and those who refill your cup:
1) They celebrate your wins versus compete with your choices
Ever share good news with someone and watch their face do that subtle thing where they’re trying to look happy but you can tell they’re mentally one-upping you?
Draining friends turn everything into a competition.
Your child sleeping through the night becomes a story about how their child has been sleeping twelve hours since birth.
Your success with cloth diapers triggers a lecture about why disposables are actually more eco-friendly.
Cup-filling friends? They genuinely light up when you share wins, big or small.
When I finally got my youngest to eat something green (it was pesto, hidden in pasta, but still!), my friend from our babysitting co-op literally cheered.
No comparison to her kids’ eating habits or advice about how I should have done it differently, just pure celebration.
2) They share the real stuff versus curating perfection
Have you ever been around someone who makes you feel like you’re failing at motherhood just by existing near them? Their house is always spotless, their kids eat quinoa bowls without complaint, and they “just threw together” a Pinterest-worthy sensory bin?
The friends who fill your cup? They text you photos of their disaster kitchens.
They admit they let their kids watch three episodes in a row so they could drink hot coffee.
During our monthly craft playdates, one mom friend regularly shows up with store-bought snacks apologizing that she didn’t have time to make the homemade granola bars she planned.
We love her for it.
Real friends show you their real lives, which reminds you that nobody has it all together, no matter how it looks from the outside.
3) They respect your boundaries versus pushing their agenda
Some friends treat your parenting choices like personal attacks on theirs.
Mention you’re limiting screens and suddenly you’re getting links to articles about how screen time is actually beneficial.
Say you’re still breastfeeding your toddler and here comes the judgment disguised as concern.
The friends worth keeping? They respect that we’re all doing our best with different philosophies.
In our babysitting co-op, we have families across the parenting spectrum.
One family does strict schedules, another follows child-led everything.
Nobody tries to convert anybody; we just support each other’s choices and trust that everyone loves their kids and knows what works for their family.
4) They offer help versus keeping score
Does helping them feel like a transaction? Like they’re tallying who did what so they can bring it up later?
That’s exhausting; I once had a friend who would literally count how many times she’d watched my kids versus how many times I’d watched hers.
Every favor came with strings.
Friends who fill your cup offer help freely and accept it graciously.
Learning to ask for help instead of doing everything myself was hard, but my real friends made it easier because they don’t keep score.
When someone in our group needs something, we show up; when we need something, they show up.
It flows naturally, without anybody tracking the balance sheet.
5) They listen to understand versus waiting to talk
You know those conversations where you’re sharing something hard and the other person immediately jumps in with their own similar-but-worse story? Or starts dispensing advice before you’ve finished your sentence?
Cup-filling friends actually listen because they ask questions and remember what you told them last week and check in about it.
One friend always remembers when I have something stressful coming up, like taking both kids to the dentist alone, and texts me after to see how it went.
She doesn’t need to fix anything or share her own dental drama because she just holds space for whatever I need to share.
6) They build you up versus tear you down
Draining friends have a way of making everything feel heavier.
They complain constantly but never want solutions, gossip about other moms, and make little comments that stick with you for days, such as “Must be nice to afford organic everything,” “I could never let my kids get that dirty,” or “You’re so brave to still be renting.”
The friends who energize you? They see your strengths and remind you of them when you forget.
They notice the little things you do well and tell you you’re a good mom on the days you don’t feel like one.
After particularly chaotic craft playdates, we always end by sharing something we appreciated about each other that day.
It sounds cheesy, but it fills everyone up.
7) They grow with you versus holding you back
Life changes, kids grow, and we evolve as parents and people.
Draining friends resist this growth.
They remind you of who you used to be, make you feel guilty for changing, or can’t accept that your priorities have shifted.
The keepers? They celebrate your evolution.
Some of my closest friends now are former teaching colleagues who’ve watched me transform from career-focused to embracing this slower, more intentional life.
Instead of judging the change, they’ve supported it.
They ask genuine questions about our lifestyle choices and even incorporated some of our practices into their own families.
Finding your people
Building a circle of cup-filling friends doesn’t happen overnight.
It took losing friendships I thought I needed to make space for the ones I actually deserved.
It meant being vulnerable enough to show my real self and brave enough to step back from relationships that consistently left me depleted.
Here’s what I know now: You deserve friends who energize you, who make the chaos of motherhood feel manageable, and who remind you that you’re doing better than you think.
If you’re feeling drained by your current mom circle, start small.
Set one boundary, share one real struggle, and notice who responds with love versus judgment.
Slowly invest more in the relationships that give back and less in those that only take.
Your kids need you to have a full cup, and the right friends? They’ll help you keep it that way!
