If you’d told me five years ago that I’d be writing about teenagers while my oldest is only in kindergarten, I would have laughed.
But here’s the thing: I’ve been watching my friends navigate these waters, and more importantly, I’ve been reflecting on my own teenage years and the battles I had with my parents.
Last week, my friend called me in tears because her 14-year-old daughter had just screamed “I hate you!” before slamming her bedroom door so hard the pictures rattled on the hallway wall.
My friend was devastated, questioning everything about her parenting but, as we talked, something became crystal clear to both of us.
Those heated moments? They might actually mean she’s doing something right.
Why the door slamming actually matters
Think about it this way: When your teenager pushes back against your boundaries, they’re showing you that those boundaries exist and that’s huge!
In my small Midwest town growing up, I fought my parents on everything from curfews to music choices.
At the time, I thought they were the worst.
Now? I realize those fights happened because they cared enough to have standards.
Your teenager needs something to push against because it’s how they figure out who they are.
If you’re always their best friend, always saying yes, always avoiding conflict, what are they rebelling against? How do they define themselves?
When my friend’s daughter slammed that door, she was essentially saying, “I know you care enough about me to have rules, and I’m mad about it.”
That’s worlds different from indifference.
The comfort in being the bad guy
Remember when your toddler threw tantrums because you wouldn’t let them eat cookies for dinner?
This is basically the teenage version of that, except now the stakes feel higher because they can articulate their anger better, and honestly, their words can cut deeper.
But here’s what I’ve learned from watching families around me and reflecting on my own upbringing: Kids need parents who are willing to be unpopular.
My parents were strict, and trust me, I gave them plenty of grief about it.
There were nights I cried into my pillow, convinced they were ruining my life because I couldn’t go to that party where there’d be no adult supervision.
You know what though? Deep down, even as I raged against their rules, I felt safe.
I knew where the lines were, and I knew someone was paying attention.
They’re separating, not abandoning
One thing that really struck me recently was a conversation with my neighbor, whose son just turned 16.
She said something that stuck: “He used to tell me everything. Now I get grunts and eye rolls. But last week, when his girlfriend broke up with him, guess who he came to at 2 AM?”
This is the paradox of teenage development; they need to separate from you to become their own person, but they also need to know you’re there when that independence gets scary.
The anger, the “I hate yous,” the dramatic declarations that you’re ruining their life? That’s them practicing independence while still in the safety of your home.
When I think about how I want to handle this with my own kids when they’re older, I keep coming back to this idea of creating space for their emotions while holding the line on what matters.
My upbringing was stricter than what feels right for my family, but the core principle remains: Boundaries create security, even when kids rage against them.
What “hate” really means in teenager speak
Let’s decode what teenagers actually mean when they say they hate you because, spoiler alert, it’s rarely actual hate.
“I hate you” often means “I hate that you’re not letting me do what I want,” or “I hate that you’re making me face consequences,” or my personal favorite: “I hate that you know me well enough to see through my BS.”
A friend recently shared that her daughter told her she was “literally the worst mother ever” because she wouldn’t extend curfew for a concert.
Two days later, that same daughter was bragging to her friends about how her mom “actually cares about stuff” unlike other parents who “don’t even notice when their kids come home.”
Teenagers are walking contradictions.
They want freedom but they also want structure, they want independence but they also want to know someone’s watching, and they say they hate you but what they often hate is how much they still need you.
The long game of parenting teenagers
Something my mother told me once has really shaped how I think about this phase of parenting (even though I’m not there yet with my own kids).
She said that parenting teenagers is like planting a garden where you won’t see most of the flowers bloom for years.
Every “no” you say to something unsafe, every consequence you follow through on, every time you hold a boundary despite the dramatics, you’re planting seeds.
You might not see the results now—you might only see the anger, the frustration, the rolled eyes—but those seeds are taking root.
I’ve watched this play out with my cousins and their parents.
The ones who had parents willing to be “hated” for maintaining standards? They’re the ones who, in their twenties, talk about how grateful they are for those boundaries.
They’re the ones who call their parents for advice, who have genuine relationships with them now.
The natural consequences approach I believe in means letting teenagers experience the results of their choices within safe parameters.
Sometimes, the natural consequence of breaking a rule is dealing with a parent who holds them accountable, even when they “hate” it.
When doubt creeps in
Look, I get it.
When your teenager is looking at you with genuine anger in their eyes, when they’re listing all the ways you’re ruining their life, when their friends’ parents seem so much cooler and more relaxed, doubt creeps in.
Are you being too strict? Are you pushing them away? Are you doing this all wrong?
These are the moments when you need to trust your gut and remember your values: What kind of adult do you want to raise? What values matter most to your family?
My parents doubted themselves too.
Years later, my mom told me about the nights she wondered if she was being too strict, if she should just let things slide.
But she didn’t, because she knew that her job was to raise a functioning, kind, responsible adult.
Honestly? She nailed it, even if it took me a decade to admit it.
Finding your strength in the storm
So, your teenager hates you right now.
They’ve said horrible things, and accused you of not understanding, of being out of touch, of wanting to ruin their life.
Take a breath because this is actually a sign that you’re doing the hard work of parenting.
You’re engaged, you’re present, and you’re willing to weather their storms.
Trust that the foundation you’re building now, even as they rage against it, will be the same foundation they stand on as adults.
Moreover, trust that the teenager who “hates” you today might just be the adult who thanks you tomorrow.
Most importantly, trust yourself.
If your teenager is pushing back, it means you’re giving them something solid to push against.
In the chaos of adolescence, that solid ground might be exactly what they need, even if they won’t admit it for years to come.
