Maybe it was the way your mom’s voice could shift in an instant. Or how your dad’s frustration filled every room. You remember the knot in your stomach, the way you learned to read moods before you could read books. And somewhere along the way, you made yourself a promise: I won’t be like that with my kids.
Now you’re here, doing the hard work of parenting differently. And it is hard. Harder than you expected. Because breaking patterns that were wired into your nervous system during childhood isn’t as simple as deciding to be gentle.
Some days you feel like you’re swimming upstream against your own instincts. If that resonates, I want you to know that the struggles you’re experiencing are completely normal. They’re actually signs that you’re doing something brave and important.
1) You feel like you’re parenting without a map
When yelling was the primary tool in your childhood home, you didn’t get to witness what calm, connected discipline actually looks like. You might know exactly what you don’t want to do, but figuring out what to do instead can feel like stumbling through fog.
This is genuinely disorienting. Most of us parent, at least initially, from muscle memory. We default to what we know. When you’re actively rejecting that default, you have to build something new from scratch while also managing the daily chaos of raising small humans.
It helps to remember that you’re essentially learning a new language. You’re not just avoiding yelling; you’re developing an entirely different way of communicating under stress. That takes time, practice, and a lot of grace with yourself.
Finding resources, whether books, podcasts, or communities of like-minded parents, can help fill in the gaps. But even then, there will be moments when you genuinely don’t know what to do. That uncertainty doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re pioneering something new for your family.
2) Your patience runs out faster than you expected
Here’s something nobody tells you: choosing gentle parenting when you weren’t parented gently requires significantly more emotional energy. You’re not just responding to your child; you’re simultaneously managing your own triggered nervous system.
When your toddler throws food for the fifth time or your preschooler whines through an entire grocery trip, your body might start revving up for a response that feels almost automatic. Your heart rate increases. Your jaw tightens. And you have to consciously override that reaction while still addressing the behavior in front of you.
As Dr. Becky Kennedy has noted, “The most important parenting happens in the moments we’re most triggered.” Those moments require us to do two jobs at once: regulate ourselves and guide our children.
No wonder your patience feels depleted by dinnertime. You’re working twice as hard as someone who can simply react without that internal battle. Be gentle with yourself about this. Your capacity will grow over time, but it’s okay that it feels limited right now.
3) You sometimes overcorrect and struggle with boundaries
Because yelling felt so harsh, you might find yourself swinging to the opposite extreme. Maybe you avoid any conflict with your kids. Maybe you let things slide that probably shouldn’t because you’re terrified of being “too much” like your parents were.
I’ve caught myself here more than once. There have been moments when I’ve let behavior continue because I wasn’t sure how to address it without raising my voice, and raising my voice felt like the beginning of a slippery slope. But kids actually need boundaries. They need us to hold limits, even when they push back.
The good news is that boundaries and gentleness aren’t opposites. You can be warm and firm at the same time. You can say no with kindness. You can follow through on consequences without shame or intimidation.
Finding this balance takes practice, and you’ll probably wobble between too permissive and too reactive for a while. That wobble is part of the learning process. The fact that you’re aware of it means you’re already doing better than you might think.
4) You feel guilty when you inevitably mess up
Let’s be honest: you will yell sometimes. You will lose your temper. You will have moments that look and sound a lot like the very thing you swore you’d never do. And when that happens, the guilt can be crushing.
Part of what makes this so painful is that you know exactly how it feels to be on the receiving end. You remember being that child. So when you see your own kid’s face after you’ve snapped, you’re not just seeing their hurt; you’re reliving your own.
But here’s what I want you to hold onto: repair matters more than perfection. Research from the Gottman Institute shows that relationships aren’t damaged by ruptures; they’re damaged by ruptures that go unrepaired.
When you go back to your child, acknowledge what happened, and reconnect, you’re teaching them something powerful. You’re showing them that people who love each other can mess up and make it right. That’s actually something many of us never learned growing up.
5) You get triggered by your child’s big emotions
When your child screams, cries, or rages, does something in your body clench? Do you feel an urgent need to make it stop? This is incredibly common for those of us who grew up in homes where big emotions weren’t safe.
As children, we learned that expressing intense feelings led to punishment, dismissal, or escalation. So we stuffed them down. We became experts at staying small and quiet.
Now, when our own kids feel things loudly and freely, it can activate something deep in us. Their anger might feel threatening. Their sadness might feel unbearable. Their whining might make our skin crawl in ways that seem disproportionate.
What’s actually happening is that their emotions are bumping up against our old wounds. Recognizing this is huge. When you notice yourself getting flooded by your child’s feelings, try to pause and ask: Is this about them, or is this about me?
Often, it’s both. And that’s okay. You can hold space for their experience while also acknowledging that it’s stirring something in you that needs attention.
6) You mourn the childhood you didn’t have
Something unexpected happens when you start parenting gently. As you learn to meet your children with patience and compassion, you begin to realize just how much you missed. You see what childhood can look like when it’s safe, and it illuminates the gaps in your own story.
This grief can sneak up on you at strange moments. Maybe you’re reading a bedtime story and suddenly feel tears prick your eyes. Maybe you watch your partner roughhouse with the kids and feel a pang of longing for something you never had. Maybe you comfort your crying child and think, “Nobody ever held me like this.”
This mourning is healthy, even though it hurts. It means you’re connecting the dots between past and present. It means you’re allowing yourself to feel what you perhaps couldn’t feel as a child.
If this grief feels overwhelming, talking to a therapist who understands intergenerational trauma can be incredibly helpful. You deserve support as you process these layers.
7) You wonder if you’re doing enough to break the cycle
Even on your best days, doubt creeps in. You might look at other parents who seem so naturally calm and wonder why it doesn’t come as easily to you. You might worry that despite your best efforts, you’re still somehow messing up your kids.
Here’s the truth: the fact that you’re asking this question means you’re already breaking the cycle. Parents who perpetuate harmful patterns typically aren’t self-aware enough to worry about it. Your vigilance, while exhausting, is actually evidence of change happening.
According to research discussed in this study on intergenerational parenting patterns, breaking cycles of harsh parenting is absolutely possible, especially when parents are reflective about their own childhood experiences and intentional about doing things differently.
You’re doing that. Every single day, you’re doing that. Your children are growing up in a different emotional climate than you did. That matters enormously, even when progress feels slow or invisible.
Closing thoughts
If you grew up being yelled at and you’re working hard to parent differently, I want you to know that the struggle you feel is not a sign of weakness. It’s the weight of transformation. You’re not just raising children; you’re rewiring generations of patterns. That’s extraordinary work.
Some days will be harder than others. You’ll have setbacks. You’ll have moments of doubt. But you’ll also have moments of profound connection with your kids, moments that would have been impossible in the home you grew up in. Those moments are proof that change is real.
Be patient with yourself. Seek support when you need it. And remember that your children don’t need a perfect parent.
They need a parent who keeps trying, who repairs when things go wrong, and who loves them through it all. You’re already that parent. Even on the hard days, especially on the hard days, you’re already that parent.
