You know that sinking feeling when you see the school’s number on your phone? Last year, I was getting those calls way too often about my daughter. Not because she was in trouble, but because I’d become that parent. The one whose emails made the teacher sigh before opening them.
It took some honest reflection (and a gentle conversation with a teacher friend) to realize I was making everyone’s life harder, including my own kid’s. If you’ve noticed your child’s teacher seems less than thrilled to see you at pickup, or their responses to your messages feel increasingly short, you might be falling into the same traps I did.
Here’s the thing: we all want to advocate for our kids. But there’s a fine line between being supportive and being the parent teachers actively avoid. After seven years in the classroom myself before having kids, I’ve seen both sides of this equation.
And trust me, the parents who build positive relationships with teachers aren’t the ones doing these seven things.
1) Sending multiple emails about minor issues
I cringe thinking about the email I sent about the “wrong” color crayon in my daughter’s backpack. Yes, really. When you’re firing off daily messages about forgotten water bottles, slightly messy handwriting, or why Susie got to be line leader twice this month, you’re creating unnecessary stress for everyone.
Teachers manage 20-30 kids simultaneously. They’re tracking learning goals, behavior patterns, social dynamics, and about a million other things. When your inbox contributions are mostly about non-issues, you become background noise at best, or a source of frustration at worst.
Save your communications for things that genuinely impact your child’s learning or wellbeing. If you’re not sure whether something warrants an email, sleep on it. Often, what feels urgent at 9 PM seems pretty minor by morning.
2) Refusing to let your child face any consequences
Remember when we were kids and forgot our homework? We dealt with it. Now, I watch parents race to school with forgotten assignments, lunches, and gym clothes like they’re running an emergency delivery service.
When my daughter forgot her library book three weeks in a row, my instinct was to drop everything and bring it to her. But you know what? Missing library time once taught her more about responsibility than all my reminders combined. She hasn’t forgotten it since.
Teachers need parents to let natural consequences do their job. When you constantly rescue your child from minor mishaps, you’re undermining the lesson and sending the message that rules don’t apply to your family.
3) Questioning every teaching method and assignment
“Why are they learning math this way?” “Shouldn’t they be reading harder books?” “This project seems pointless.”
Sound familiar? I spent my first year as a school parent questioning everything, drawing on my teaching background to “help.” Spoiler alert: it wasn’t helpful.
Teachers have degrees, training, and experience. They follow curriculum standards and best practices that have been researched and refined. When you constantly second-guess their methods, you’re not just insulting their professionalism; you’re teaching your child to doubt their teacher too.
If you have genuine concerns about your child’s education, schedule a conference. Come with an open mind, ready to listen before you speak. You might be surprised by the reasoning behind decisions that initially seem questionable.
4) Making excuses for everything
“She’s tired.” “He had a big weekend.” “She doesn’t test well.” “He’s not a morning person.”
We all want to protect our kids, but when every struggle comes with a parental excuse, teachers can’t do their jobs effectively. Kids need to learn to perform even when conditions aren’t perfect, because guess what? Life isn’t perfect.
After leaving teaching to write full-time, I’ve had to meet deadlines while sick, tired, and dealing with two kids melting down in the background. Our children need to develop this same resilience, and they can’t if we’re always providing them with an out.
5) Treating teachers like personal assistants
Can you make sure she eats her carrots? Can you remind him about his dentist appointment? Can you put sunscreen on her at recess?
Teachers are educators, not personal assistants. They’re already managing medication schedules, learning accommodations, and behavior plans. Adding a list of personal requests for your child turns their already complex job into an impossible juggling act.
Your child’s teacher has dozens of students. If every parent made special requests, teaching would become secondary to managing individual preferences. Keep your asks limited to genuine educational or medical needs.
6) Fighting your child’s battles with other kids
When my daughter came home upset because someone wouldn’t play with her, my mama bear instincts kicked in hard. I wanted names, details, and justice. But here’s what I learned from being on the teaching side: kid conflicts are rarely what they seem from a parent’s perspective.
Children need to learn to navigate social challenges. When you email the teacher demanding they force other kids to include yours, or insist certain children be separated, you’re preventing important social learning. Plus, you’re asking teachers to police normal childhood interactions instead of teaching.
Unless there’s genuine bullying (and there’s a difference between bullying and typical kid conflicts), let the teacher handle classroom dynamics. They see the full picture; you’re getting one perspective filtered through a young child’s emotions.
7) Undermining the teacher at home
“That’s a stupid rule.” “Your teacher doesn’t know what she’s talking about.” “I’ll talk to them about changing that.”
When you badmouth the teacher or their decisions at home, your child absorbs that disrespect. They’ll bring that attitude right back to the classroom, making the teacher’s job harder and your child’s learning experience worse.
Even if you disagree with something, present a united front with the teacher in front of your child. Address your concerns privately with the teacher, but support their authority in your child’s presence. The parent-teacher relationship should be a partnership, not an adversarial situation.
Finding the balance
Looking back, I realize my transformation into “that parent” came from a place of love and anxiety. After years in the classroom, I knew how much could go wrong, how easy it was for kids to fall through cracks. But in trying to prevent every possible issue, I became an issue myself.
The parents teachers love working with aren’t the ones who never communicate or who don’t care. They’re the ones who trust teachers to teach, who support classroom rules at home, who save their concerns for things that matter, and who let their kids experience age-appropriate challenges.
Building a positive relationship with your child’s teacher makes everyone’s year smoother. Your child benefits from consistency between home and school. The teacher can focus on teaching instead of managing parental anxieties. And you? You get to step back from the exhausting job of micromanaging your child’s every school experience.
Next time you’re tempted to fire off that email or schedule another meeting, pause. Ask yourself: Is this truly important? Am I helping or hovering? Am I partnering with the teacher or making their job harder?
Your child’s teacher wants them to succeed just as much as you do. When we let them do their job and support them in it, amazing things happen. Trust me, as someone who’s been on both sides of that classroom door, the best thing you can do for your child’s education is to be the parent teachers are grateful to work with, not the one they dread hearing from.
