Last week, everything that could go wrong did.
My two-year-old had a meltdown in the middle of the farmers’ market because I wouldn’t let him eat dirt (again), my five-year-old announced she’d cut her own hair with craft scissors, and the washing machine flooded the laundry room.
Somewhere in that chaos, I found myself sitting on the kitchen floor, taking deep breaths while both kids climbed on me like I was playground equipment.
But here’s what surprised me: I didn’t lose it, not even close.
A few years ago, that combination would have sent me into full panic mode.
These days? I’ve learned that staying calm when life gets messy is about developing certain quiet strengths that help you weather the storm without becoming part of it.
Through my journey from elementary school teacher to parenting educator, and especially through raising two wonderfully wild little ones, I’ve noticed that parents who maintain their cool share some common traits.
They’re not perfect (trust me, nobody is), but they’ve cultivated specific inner resources that make all the difference.
1) They know the difference between urgent and important
Ever notice how toddlers treat everything like a five-alarm emergency? When my little one can’t find his favorite truck, you’d think the world was ending.
Parents who stay calm have developed a mental filter.
They ask themselves: Will this matter in an hour? A day? A week? Most of the time, the answer is no.
The spilled juice, the refused vegetables, the toy dispute; these aren’t actually emergencies, even though they feel like it in the moment.
I learned this the hard way after transitioning from teaching to writing.
In a classroom, you quickly figure out which fires need immediate attention and which ones will burn themselves out.
The same principle applies at home.
When my daughter decided to “reorganize” her brother’s block tower (cue screaming), I reminded myself that nobody was hurt, nothing was broken, and this too shall pass.
2) They’ve made peace with imperfection
“Progress not perfection” has become my mantra, especially during those moments when nothing goes according to plan.
As a recovering perfectionist, I used to think calm parents had everything under control.
Plot twist: They don’t, they’ve just accepted that control is mostly an illusion anyway.
Kids are unpredictable, just like how life is unpredictable as well.
The sooner you embrace the mess, the less it rattles you.
Yesterday, I’d planned this beautiful nature craft activity.
What actually happened? My daughter collected leaves for approximately three minutes before deciding to build a “fairy hotel” out of mud instead.
Meanwhile, her brother discovered he could fit pinecones in his pockets.
Was it what I envisioned? Not even close.
Was everyone happy and engaged? Absolutely.
3) They practice the pause
You know that split second between when something happens and when you respond? That’s where the magic lives.
Calm parents have learned to stretch that moment: They take a breath, count to three, and step back.
Whatever it takes to create space between trigger and reaction.
It’s about choosing your response instead of letting your response choose you.
I discovered this accidentally during a particularly challenging bedtime when both kids were overtired and I was running on fumes.
Instead of launching into lecture mode, I just stopped and took three deep breaths.
That tiny pause changed everything.
My voice stayed steady, my kids actually listened, and bedtime happened without World War III.
4) They have systems for the predictable chaos
Ever noticed how certain situations always seem to spiral? Morning rushes, bedtime battles, grocery store meltdowns?
Parents who stay calm recognize these patterns and plan accordingly.
They’re prepared for reality; they pack snacks before hunger strikes, build in buffer time for the inevitable shoe crisis, and have backup plans for their backup plans.
In our house, mornings used to be pure chaos until I realized we were setting ourselves up for failure.
Now, clothes get picked the night before, breakfast is simple, and we’ve built in time for the daily “I don’t want to wear that anymore” wardrobe change.
The chaos still happens, but it doesn’t catch us off guard.
5) They know their own triggers
What sends you over the edge? For me, it’s repetitive noise when I’m trying to focus.
For others, it might be whining, defiance, or sibling squabbles.
Calm parents have done the work to identify what pushes their buttons and why.
More importantly, they’ve developed strategies to manage those triggers.
Sometimes that means taking a bathroom break (even when you don’t need one), or putting on noise-canceling headphones while the kids play.
There’s no shame in protecting your sanity.
6) They’ve built a support network
Nobody stays calm in isolation.
Behind every seemingly composed parent is usually a friend they text in moments of crisis, a partner who tags in when needed, or a community that reminds them they’re not alone.
After leaving teaching to write from home, I quickly realized how isolating parenting could be.
Building connections with other parents—whether at the park, library, or even online—became essential.
Just knowing someone else’s toddler also insists on wearing rain boots to bed makes everything feel more manageable.
7) They focus on connection over correction
When everything’s falling apart, our instinct is often to fix, control, and correct.
However, calm parents have learned that connection often solves more problems than discipline ever could.
Instead of immediately jumping to consequences when my daughter gets upset about sharing, I’ve learned to acknowledge her feelings first.
“You really wanted to keep playing with that, huh?” That simple validation often defuses the situation faster than any timeout could.
8) They refill their own cup regularly
Here’s what nobody tells you: Staying calm is exhausting because it takes enormous energy to regulate yourself while helping little humans learn to regulate themselves.
Parents who maintain their composure prioritize their own wellbeing as a necessity.
They know that five minutes of fresh air, a hot cup of coffee drunk while actually hot, or an early bedtime for themselves is strategic.
Since becoming a work-from-home parent, I’ve had to get creative about self-care.
Sometimes it’s just sitting in the garden while the kids play and choosing the podcast for our car ride.
Small moments, but they add up!
The bottom line
Staying calm when chaos reigns is about developing these quiet strengths, one messy day at a time.
Some days you’ll nail it.
Other days, you’ll find yourself hiding in the pantry eating chocolate chips straight from the bag while your kids argue about who gets the blue cup.
Both are okay.
What matters is that you keep showing up, keep trying, and keep reminding yourself that this phase—whatever phase you’re in—won’t last forever.
The calm you’re cultivating is a gift you’re giving yourself and your children for life.
On those days when calm feels impossible? Remember that tomorrow is a fresh start.
Progress, not perfection, right?
