You know what’s fascinating? I’ve got two friends from my bowling league, both in their sixties like me.
One gets daily calls from his adult daughter, sometimes twice a day just to chat about nothing in particular. The other? He’s lucky if he hears from his kids once a month, and that’s usually because they need something.
What makes the difference? After raising two sons myself (now in their thirties with families of their own) and watching countless friends navigate these waters, I’ve noticed some clear patterns. Some parents seem to have cracked the code while others wonder where they went wrong.
The truth is, the relationship you have with your adult children often reflects decades of small choices and habits. And here’s the kicker: it’s never too late to change course. Let me share what I’ve learned about why some of us older parents have kids who can’t wait to share their day, while others sit by silent phones.
1) They learned to listen more than they lecture
Remember when our kids were little and we had all the answers? Well, somewhere along the way, successful parents figure out that adult children don’t want lectures anymore. They want conversations.
I discovered this the hard way. My sons used to call less frequently, and when they did, our talks felt stilted. Then I started asking questions instead of offering opinions. “How did that make you feel?” instead of “You should have done this.” Game changer.
As Maya Angelou wisely said: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When adult children feel heard rather than judged, they actually want to share more.
2) They respect boundaries without taking it personally
One of my sons calls weekly like clockwork. The other? He’s more of a random texter, sometimes going weeks between contacts. And you know what? Both are perfectly fine.
Parents who maintain close relationships understand that their children have different communication styles and respect them. They don’t guilt trip about not calling enough or compare siblings. They accept each relationship on its own terms.
This doesn’t mean you can’t express your needs, but there’s a world of difference between “I’d love to hear from you more often” and “You never call anymore.”
3) They’ve apologized for their mistakes
This one’s tough to swallow, but hear me out. Every parent makes mistakes. The ones whose kids call regularly? They’ve owned up to them.
I’ll never forget the day I apologized to one of my sons for being too hard on him about his grades in high school. Specific apology, specific incident. His response? “Dad, I’ve been waiting twenty years to hear that.” We talked for three hours that day.
Staying defensive keeps doors closed. Genuine apologies, even decades later, can open them wide. Your adult children remember more than you think, and acknowledging past mistakes shows them you’ve grown too.
4) They show genuine interest in their children’s actual lives
How many of us ask our kids the same tired questions? “How’s work? How are the kids?” Then we wonder why conversations feel shallow.
Parents who hear from their kids regularly know the names of their coworkers, their current challenges, what shows they’re watching, what they’re worried about. They remember previous conversations and follow up. “Hey, how did that presentation go?” beats “How’s work?” every single time.
When I started keeping mental notes about what my sons were actually dealing with and asking specific follow-up questions, our conversations transformed from obligatory check-ins to real connections.
5) They’ve built relationships beyond just being parents
Here’s something I’ve noticed: adult children who call frequently often genuinely like their parents as people. Wild concept, right?
These parents have interests, opinions, and stories that go beyond their role as mom or dad. They share what they’re reading, learning, or struggling with themselves. They’re real people, not just advice-dispensing machines or guilt-trip generators.
Taking my grandchildren to the park every weekend has become the highlight of my week, but it also gives me fresh stories and perspectives to share with my sons. We talk about more than just family logistics because I have a life beyond waiting for them to call.
6) They offer support without strings attached
Ever notice how some parents’ help always comes with a side of obligation? “I’ll help with the down payment, but you have to buy in this neighborhood.” “I’ll babysit, but you need to come to dinner every Sunday.”
Parents who maintain close relationships offer help freely when they can, without turning it into leverage. Their adult children call because they want to, not because they owe something.
7) They’ve accepted that their children are different people
This might be the hardest one. Parents who stay close to their adult children have made peace with who their kids actually are, not who they hoped they’d become.
Maybe your daughter didn’t become a doctor. Maybe your son’s political views make you cringe. Maybe their lifestyle choices aren’t what you’d pick. So what? The parents getting daily calls have learned to love and accept their actual children, not some idealized version.
As psychologist Carl Rogers noted, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” The same principle applies to accepting our adult children.
Closing thoughts
If you’re sitting there thinking your kids don’t call enough, I get it. But here’s my question for you: when they do call, how does it feel for them? Are they calling out of obligation or genuine desire to connect?
The beautiful thing about being our age is that we’ve still got time to change the dynamic. Small shifts in how we interact can lead to huge changes in our relationships. Start with just one of these approaches and see what happens.
After all, wouldn’t you rather have one genuine, connected conversation a month than daily calls that feel like checking a box?
