The smell of mulled wine hits you first, then comes the forced laughter echoing from the living room where Uncle Dave is retelling that story about your cousin’s Harvard acceptance for the fifteenth time this year.
Holiday gatherings in dysfunctional families follow a script so predictable, you could set your watch to it. And if you grew up as the family scapegoat, you’ve been mentally documenting every move the golden child makes since you were old enough to realize the game was rigged.
Growing up as one of three brothers, I witnessed these dynamics play out not just in my own family, but in countless others. The patterns are so consistent that family therapists can spot them from a mile away. The golden child-scapegoat dynamic isn’t just common — it’s the backbone of nearly every dysfunctional family system.
Let me walk you through the eight things the golden child does at every holiday gathering that the scapegoat has been cataloging for decades. If you recognize these patterns, you’re not alone — and understanding them might just be the first step toward breaking free.
1. They arrive fashionably on time with the perfect gift
While you’re either chronically early (trying to prove you’re responsible) or deliberately late (because why bother?), the golden child sweeps in at the exact right moment.
They’re carrying a thoughtfully wrapped present that somehow manages to be both expensive enough to impress and personal enough to show they “really care.”
The scapegoat has watched this entrance a hundred times. They know the golden child called mom three times this week to confirm what wine dad likes and whether grandma still collects those specific porcelain figurines. Meanwhile, your gift — even if you spent weeks choosing it — will somehow be wrong.
2. They casually drop their latest achievement within the first ten minutes
“Oh, I didn’t mention the promotion? It’s really not a big deal…”
But of course, it is a big deal. And everyone will spend the next hour discussing how deserving, talented, and humble the golden child is.
They’ve perfected the art of the humble brag, something I explore in my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego — though in their case, it’s all ego dressed up as modesty.
The scapegoat has been tracking this pattern since childhood. Remember when the golden child’s B+ was celebrated while your A- was met with “you could have done better”? This is just the adult version of the same show.
3. They redirect uncomfortable conversations back to safe territory
When grandpa starts his problematic political rant or mom begins her passive-aggressive commentary about someone’s weight, watch the golden child work their magic. They’ll smoothly steer the conversation toward neutral ground — usually something that highlights family unity or their own diplomatic skills.
“Remember that amazing vacation we took to the lake when we were kids?”
As ACON Foundation notes, “In many narcissistic family systems, children are not seen as individuals. They’re assigned roles. Two of the most common are the Golden Child and the Scapegoat.”
The golden child has mastered their role as the family PR manager, while the scapegoat who points out the dysfunction gets labeled as “difficult” or “always starting drama.”
4. They physically position themselves at the center of family photos
This one’s so subtle you might miss it if you’re not paying attention. But the scapegoat has been watching this choreography for years.
The golden child naturally gravitates toward the center of every family photo, often with their arm around mom or dad, while the scapegoat ends up on the edge — sometimes literally cropped out in the social media posts later.
It’s not even conscious most of the time. The family system has trained everyone to see the golden child as the star of the show. They belong in the middle because that’s where they’ve always been, metaphorically and literally.
5. They volunteer for the easiest helpful tasks while appearing most generous
“I’ll bring the dessert!” they announce, knowing full well they’ll pick up a store-bought pie on the way over. Meanwhile, the scapegoat who spent six hours cooking side dishes will watch mom gush over the golden child’s “thoughtfulness” in bringing dessert.
The golden child has figured out the family equation: maximum praise for minimum effort. They’ll make a big show of helping with dishes (for exactly five minutes), carry in the lightest bag of groceries, or offer to make coffee when everyone’s already full.
And somehow, they’ll be remembered as the one who “helped the most.”
6. They never directly disagree with the family narrative
Even when dad’s version of family history sounds like pure fiction, the golden child nods along. They’ve learned that maintaining their status requires never challenging the family mythology.
This really hit home for me when I was writing Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego. The golden child’s entire identity depends on preserving the family’s false narrative, while the scapegoat threatens it simply by existing authentically.
Dr. Susan Heitler explains that “Scapegoating often functions to hide: Parental narcissism, Favoritism, Power imbalances, Unhealed attachment wounds, Intergenerational trauma, Mental illness, Addiction, Domestic violence, Infidelity, Abandonment, Family secrets.”
The golden child’s compliance keeps these secrets buried, while the scapegoat’s truth-telling makes them the enemy.
7. They perform emotional labor for the parents publicly
Watch how the golden child manages mom’s anxiety or dad’s anger during the gathering.
They’ll pull mom aside for a pep talk when she’s stressed about dinner. They’ll distract dad with sports talk when his temper starts rising. They’ve become the family’s emotional support system, but only in ways that everyone can see and appreciate.
The scapegoat might have been managing these same emotions in private for years, but their efforts go unnoticed. Worse, when they try to set boundaries around this emotional labor, they’re accused of not caring about family.
8. They leave at the perfect time with elaborate goodbyes
The golden child’s exit is as calculated as their entrance. They leave just late enough to seem devoted but just early enough to avoid the post-dinner dysfunction. Their goodbye takes thirty minutes and includes individual hugs, promises to call, and at least three mentions of how wonderful everything was.
The scapegoat? They either slip out quietly (and get criticized for being rude) or make a normal goodbye (and get accused of being cold). There’s no winning when your role has already been assigned.
Final words
If you recognized these patterns, you’re probably the scapegoat. And here’s what decades of observation have taught you that the golden child might never learn: the family system’s approval isn’t worth sacrificing your authentic self.
The golden child might get the praise, the photos, and the preferential treatment, but they’re trapped in their own prison — one built from expectations, performance, and the constant fear of falling from grace.
As Dr. Barbara Klein observes, “The ‘golden child’ is often idealized by the parents and seen as perfect, which sets up a false standard for the other children and relieves parental anxiety about their own shortcomings.”
Your job isn’t to win a game that was rigged from the start. It’s to recognize the game, understand your role in it, and decide whether you want to keep playing. This holiday season, you have a choice: keep tracking the golden child’s predictable performance, or start writing your own script.
The most rebellious thing a scapegoat can do? Stop caring about the family hierarchy altogether and find your worth outside their broken system.
