Let’s talk about something that’s been on my mind lately, especially after spending the holidays with both my sons and their families.
You know that awkward moment when your parent does something that drives you up the wall, but you can’t figure out how to bring it up without hurting their feelings?
Well, I’ve been on both sides of this fence. As someone in my sixties with two adult sons, I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) about the things we older parents do that our grown children wish they could address.
The truth is, our adult children often bite their tongues because they love us and don’t want to seem ungrateful or disrespectful. But wouldn’t it be better if we knew what was bothering them?
After plenty of conversations with friends my age and observing family dynamics at gatherings, I’ve identified eight common behaviors that create this tension.
If you’re over 65 with adult children, consider this your friendly heads-up. And if you’re the adult child reading this, maybe share it with your parents as a gentle conversation starter.
1) Giving unsolicited advice about everything
We’ve lived longer, we’ve seen more, and we genuinely believe we’re helping. But here’s what I learned after years of offering my “wisdom” to my sons: They didn’t ask for it.
I used to jump in with solutions whenever they mentioned a problem. Bad day at work? Here’s what you should do. Kids acting up?
Let me tell you how we handled it. It took me embarrassingly long to realize that most of the time, they just wanted someone to listen.
These days, I’ve trained myself to ask, “Are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent?” You’d be amazed how often it’s the latter. And you know what? Our relationship is better for it.
2) Treating them like they’re still teenagers
Last Thanksgiving, I caught myself about to remind my thirty-something son to bring a jacket. A jacket! The man has been dressing himself for decades, runs his own business, and manages a household with two kids.
We do this constantly without realizing it. We remind them about basic things they’ve been handling fine for years.
We question their decisions as if they haven’t proven themselves capable adults. It’s not that we doubt them; it’s that the parent-child dynamic is so deeply ingrained, we forget to update our mental software.
Your adult children want to be seen as the competent people they’ve become, not the kids who once forgot their lunch money.
3) Making everything about the grandkids
I adore my four grandchildren. They’re absolutely the light of my life. But I had to learn that my sons are still individuals with interests, dreams, and challenges that have nothing to do with being parents.
Too often, we skip right past “How are you?” and go straight to “How are the kids?” Every conversation becomes about school performances, soccer games, or funny things the little ones said.
While this is wonderful, our adult children sometimes need us to see them as more than just the parents of our grandchildren.
4) Refusing to acknowledge past mistakes
This one’s tough, but it’s crucial. For years, I thought admitting I’d made mistakes as a parent would undermine my authority or make me look weak. The opposite turned out to be true.
When I finally apologized to my sons for specific things I’d gotten wrong during their childhood, it opened doors I didn’t even know were closed.
One conversation about how I’d pushed too hard academically when they were teens led to the most honest discussion we’d had in years.
Your adult children aren’t looking for you to grovel. They just want acknowledgment that you’re human and that their feelings about certain experiences are valid.
5) Comparing them to others
- “Did you hear Susan’s daughter just got promoted to partner?”
- “Your cousin bought a bigger house.”
- “The Johnsons’ kids visit them every weekend.”
We think we’re making conversation, but what our children hear is that they’re not measuring up. Even positive comparisons can sting because they highlight what we’re paying attention to.
I’ve learned to celebrate my sons’ achievements on their own merits, not in relation to anyone else. Their paths are their own, and comparing them to others, even favorably, suggests that we’re keeping score.
6) Being inflexible about traditions and visits
For years, I insisted that certain holidays had to be celebrated exactly as we’d always done them. At my house. With the same menu. The same schedule.
What I didn’t consider was that my sons were trying to build their own family traditions. They have in-laws to consider, their own preferences to honor, and young kids who might not thrive with long car trips or late dinners.
Being flexible about when and how we gather has actually resulted in more quality time together, not less. When visits don’t feel obligatory, they become more enjoyable for everyone.
7) Dismissing their struggles because “things were harder back then”
“You think that’s tough? When I was your age…”
How many times have we said this? Yes, we walked uphill both ways to school. Yes, we managed without cell phones and internet.
But dismissing our children’s challenges because we perceive ours were greater doesn’t help anyone.
Stress is stress, whether it’s from social media pressures we never faced or from economic challenges that look different from ours. When we minimize their struggles, we’re essentially saying their feelings aren’t valid.
8) Not respecting their parenting choices
This might be the hardest one. We raised our kids successfully, so surely we know best, right?
Wrong. Parenting has evolved, research has advanced, and what worked thirty years ago might not be the best approach today.
When we undermine our children’s parenting decisions or sneak treats when they’ve said no, we’re not being helpful grandparents. We’re being disrespectful.
I’ve learned to ask, “What are your rules about screen time?” or “How do you handle bedtime?” and then actually follow their lead. It shows respect for their role as parents and strengthens our relationship.
Closing thoughts
If you recognized yourself in any of these points, don’t beat yourself up about it. We’re all learning, even at our age. The fact that you’re reading this shows you care about your relationship with your adult children.
Here’s my challenge for you: Pick just one of these behaviors to work on. Ask your children how they honestly feel about your relationship. Listen more than you speak.
And remember, the goal isn’t to be perfect; it’s to keep growing and improving these precious relationships.
After all, isn’t it better to know what’s bothering them than to wonder why they seem distant?
