Last week, my granddaughter came home from school in tears. She’d gotten into an argument with her best friend over something silly—who got to be team captain during recess. When she told me the story, she was still fuming, calling her friend “mean” and “unfair.” I sat down with her, and instead of telling her she was right or wrong, I asked her something simple: “How do you think your friend felt?”
She paused, scrunched up her face, and after a moment said, “Maybe she was upset too?”
That’s when it hit me. In all our efforts to teach our kids to be smart, successful, and accomplished, we often miss teaching them the one skill that matters most: empathy.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially as I watch my four grandchildren navigate their little worlds. We parents and grandparents worry about grades, sports achievements, and college applications. But what if we’re focusing on the wrong things?
Why empathy trumps everything else
Think about the most successful people you know—and I don’t just mean financially successful. I mean the ones who have lasting relationships, who people trust, who seem to navigate life’s ups and downs with grace. What sets them apart?
After watching countless people succeed or fail in their careers, I can tell you it wasn’t usually the smartest person in the room who thrived. It was the one who could understand others, work with difficult colleagues, and see situations from multiple perspectives.
Kyle D. Pruett M.D., a child development specialist, puts it perfectly: “Kindness is the most powerful and useful of all social-emotional skills.” And kindness, at its core, stems from empathy—the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
But here’s the thing: empathy isn’t just about being nice. It’s a practical skill that helps kids solve problems, build friendships, and eventually become adults who can handle conflict, lead teams, and maintain healthy relationships.
The empathy deficit in modern parenting
You know what worries me? We’re raising a generation of kids who can code before they can read facial expressions. They know how to swipe before they know how to share.
I see it at the park all the time. Parents hover over their children, solving every dispute, never letting them work through the messy business of understanding another child’s perspective. Or worse, they’re so absorbed in their phones that they miss these teachable moments entirely.
We rush to defend our kids when they come home with complaints about teachers or friends. We want to protect them from feeling bad. But what message does that send? That their feelings are the only ones that matter? That they’re always the victim?
I’ve made this mistake myself. When my sons were young, I’d immediately take their side in any conflict. It felt like being a good dad. Looking back, I realize I was robbing them of chances to develop empathy muscles.
Teaching empathy through everyday moments
So how do we actually teach empathy? It’s simpler than you might think, and it doesn’t require fancy programs or apps.
Start with emotions—all of them. When your child is angry, sad, or frustrated, don’t rush to fix it. Sit with them. Help them name what they’re feeling. Then, and this is crucial, help them recognize these same emotions in others.
Linda and I have started doing this with our grandchildren during our regular visits. When we’re reading stories together, we’ll pause and ask, “How do you think that character feels right now?” When they tell us about their day, we’ll wonder aloud about other people’s experiences. “Your teacher seemed tired today? I wonder if something was bothering her.”
These aren’t grand lessons. They’re tiny seeds planted throughout ordinary days. But they add up.
The ripple effects of raising empathetic children
What happens when kids learn empathy early? They become problem-solvers instead of blame-throwers. They become leaders who people want to follow. They become partners who can sustain relationships through tough times.
I think about my own journey here. I didn’t start therapy until my sixties, after Linda gently suggested it. One of the biggest revelations? How little I’d understood about seeing things from her perspective, even after decades of marriage. How much conflict could have been avoided if I’d learned this skill earlier?
Making empathy a family value
If you want to raise empathetic children, you have to model it yourself. Kids are watching us all the time, absorbing how we treat the grocery store clerk, how we talk about our coworkers, how we handle disagreements with our spouse.
Do we try to understand why someone cut us off in traffic, or do we immediately label them as jerks? Do we listen to understand, or just to respond? Do we admit when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings, even unintentionally?
I’ve been working on this myself. Just last week, I snapped at a young cashier who was moving slowly. Later, I went back and apologized, explaining to my grandson who was with me that the young man was probably new and nervous. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about showing kids that we’re all trying to understand each other better.
Closing thoughts
Look, I know there’s pressure to raise kids who excel at everything. We want them to get into good colleges, land great jobs, and succeed by all the traditional measures. But if I could go back and do it all over again with my own sons, I’d worry less about their grades and more about their ability to understand others.
Because at the end of the day, when you’re my age and you look back on your life, you don’t remember your GPA or your job titles. You remember the relationships you built, the people you helped, and the connections you made.
So if you must teach your children one thing, make it empathy. Everything else—success, happiness, fulfillment—tends to follow. And who knows? You might just find yourself learning alongside them, becoming a better person in the process.
What small step could you take today to help your child see the world through someone else’s eyes?
