It’s 5:40 on a Tuesday. Your phone rings, and it’s your son, calling on his walk home from the train.
There’s no news. He tells you about a coworker’s terrible chili, asks whether the tomatoes ever came in, and complains about the crowded train. Twelve minutes later, he’s at his front door. “Okay, I’m home. Talk soon.”
Calls like that are easy to take for granted. They’re also hard to make happen on purpose. How often adult children call depends on a lot: jobs, young kids, time zones, money, and whether they’re phone people at all. Some families are close and still talk once a week. No habit guarantees a call.
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But some parents do seem to make calling easy. Here are eight small habits that can help, and how to try them.
1. They welcome the in-between calls
Back to the walk home from the train. Plenty of adult children call during the gaps in their day: the walk home, the few minutes before starting dinner, the stroll with the dog. There’s background noise, a door closing somewhere, and the call ends when they get where they’re going.
Some parents would rather have a long, sit-down conversation. That’s understandable. But treating the in-between call as the real thing, not a lesser version, can make it easier for a busy adult to pick up the phone.
Try: “It’s good to hear your voice. How’s your day been?”
2. They use the way their kids actually talk
Your daughter rarely calls, but she sends voice memos while she cooks and photos of the baby at random hours. Your son texts in short bursts.
It’s fine to prefer a phone call. But if you only count calls, you might miss a lot of contact that’s already happening. Answering in the same way, a voice memo back, a photo of your own dinner, keeps the conversation going in a way you can both comfortably use.
That works both ways. If voice memos are hard to hear, or texting at all hours doesn’t suit your schedule or your comfort with the technology, it’s fine to say so and find something that works for you both.
If something’s new to you, ask them to show you how it works next time you’re together. That can be a nice moment in itself.
3. They remember the small stuff and follow up
Last week your son mentioned a presentation he was nervous about. This week you ask, “How did the presentation go?”
Following up shows you were listening, and it gives the next call an easy place to start. It doesn’t have to be big. The dentist appointment, the neighbor’s barking dog, the new running shoes.
Some parents jot a note after a call so they remember. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s care, written down.
4. They bring their own news
If every call is a string of questions about their life, it can start to feel like an interview. Calls tend to be more fun when both people have something to share.
Tell them about the pottery class, the book club argument, the deer that ate your hostas again. Your life is interesting to your kids, too, especially the parts they wouldn’t otherwise hear about.
A good balance is a back-and-forth: their news, your news, a laugh, and then someone has to go.
5. They send things that don’t need a reply
A photo of the old swing set before the new owners take it down. A link to an article about the band your daughter loved in high school. A text that says, “Saw this and thought of you. No need to answer.”
Messages like these keep you in each other’s day without asking for anything back. The key is meaning it when you say no reply is needed, and not mentioning it later if one doesn’t come.
Sometimes the reply turns up days later, as a phone call that starts with, “I’ve been meaning to tell you about that band.”
6. They stay steady when the news is hard
Your daughter calls and says, “So, I got laid off today.” Your stomach drops.
It’s natural to worry. But if hard news is often met with alarm, adult children can start waiting until things are sorted before they call, or skipping the call altogether.
Try taking a breath and keeping your voice level: “Oh, I’m sorry. That’s a lot. How are you doing with it?” You can do your worrying later, with a friend or a partner. What she may remember is that you were someone she could call on a bad day.
7. What’s said on the call stays on the call
Your son tells you he and his wife are having a rough patch. By Sunday, his sister knows. By Christmas, so does Aunt Linda.
Families share news, and sometimes it slips out with the best intentions. But adult children notice where their words travel. If private things tend to spread, they may start editing what they say.
When in doubt, ask: “Is this just between us?” And if you’ve passed something on that you shouldn’t have, it helps to own it: “I told your sister what you said about things at home. I’m sorry. I should have asked you first.”
8. They ask their kids for advice
“You know about this stuff. Which laptop should I get?” “What’s the trick to getting sourdough to rise?” “Your father and I are thinking about a trip to Portugal. Where did you two stay?”
Asking an adult child for help turns the usual roles around. They get to be the expert, and you get a real reason to call that isn’t about checking in.
It works best when you actually want to know. Thank them, and let them know what you decided. The decision stays yours. They just get to weigh in. And “The sourdough finally worked” is a perfectly good reason for a call.
Where to start
You don’t need all eight. A handful of small habits can be enough to make calling feel low-stakes.
Pick one this week. Send a photo with “No need to answer,” or ask a follow-up about something they mentioned last time. You can also say what you’d like: “I miss our chats. Would a short call on Sunday suit us both?”
And when the phone rings at 5:40 on a Tuesday, if you’re free, enjoy the few minutes you have. If you’re busy, suggest another time: “I’m just heading out, but I’d love to hear about it. Can I call you tomorrow?”