I remember the exact moment I realized my parenting approach needed to shift. My daughter is still too young for teenage drama, but I was chatting with a friend whose son had just turned fifteen.
She looked exhausted as she recounted their latest argument, and I caught myself thinking about how my own parents handled my teenage years.
Some of their responses helped me grow. Others? They created walls that took years to come down.
Now that I’m a parent myself, I think a lot about the kind of relationship I want to build with Emilia as she grows. The teenage years are tricky. Your kid is becoming their own person, testing boundaries, and figuring out who they are. How you respond to them during this time shapes not just your relationship, but how they see themselves.
Here are seven things emotionally intelligent parents avoid saying to their teenagers, and what psychology tells us about why these phrases can do more harm than good.
1. “You’re being too sensitive”
Teenagers feel everything intensely. Their brains are still developing, and they’re dealing with hormonal changes that make emotions feel overwhelming. When a parent dismisses those feelings as overreactions, it teaches the teenager that their emotional responses are wrong or invalid.
I grew up hearing this phrase whenever I got upset about something my parents thought was trivial. Looking back, it didn’t make me less sensitive. It just made me stop sharing how I really felt.
Psychology shows us that emotional validation is crucial for healthy development. When teenagers learn that their feelings matter, they develop better emotional regulation skills. They also feel safer coming to you when something serious happens because they trust you won’t minimize their experience.
Instead of dismissing their emotions, try acknowledging them. You can say something like “I can see this really matters to you” or “That sounds really frustrating.” You’re not agreeing with their perspective necessarily, but you’re showing them that their feelings are real and worth listening to.
2. “Because I said so”
This one came up constantly in my household growing up. My parents used it as a conversation ender, and honestly? It worked in the moment. But it didn’t teach me anything about why the rule existed or how to make good decisions on my own.
Teenagers are at a developmental stage where they’re learning to think critically and question authority. That’s actually a good thing. They need to develop their own moral compass and decision-making skills.
When you shut down their questions with “because I said so,” you’re missing an opportunity to help them understand the reasoning behind rules and boundaries. You’re also signaling that their thoughts and questions don’t matter, which can damage trust over time.
Teenagers respond better to explanations than to authoritarian commands. When parents take time to explain their reasoning, teenagers are more likely to internalize values and make better choices when parents aren’t around.
It takes more energy to explain your thinking, especially after a long day. But those conversations build mutual respect and help your teenager develop the critical thinking skills they’ll need as adults.
3. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling/friend/cousin?”
Comparisons are poison to self-esteem, especially during the teenage years when identity formation is in full swing.
Every teenager is figuring out who they are, separate from their family and peers. When a parent holds up someone else as the standard, it sends the message that the teenager isn’t good enough as they are. It creates resentment, not motivation.
I’ve seen this play out with friends who grew up being compared to their siblings. The damage lasted well into adulthood. Some became overly competitive, always trying to prove their worth. Others gave up entirely, figuring they’d never measure up anyway.
Comparisons undermine a child’s sense of being unconditionally loved and accepted. Teenagers need to know that their worth isn’t contingent on being better than someone else or meeting an external standard.
If you want to encourage growth in a specific area, focus on your teenager’s own progress. Celebrate their improvements without bringing anyone else into the picture. Help them see how far they’ve come rather than how far they have to go to match someone else.
4. “You’ll understand when you’re older”
This phrase dismisses a teenager’s current ability to understand complex situations. While it’s true that life experience brings wisdom, teenagers are capable of understanding far more than we often give them credit for.
When you use this phrase, you’re essentially saying their perspective doesn’t count right now. It positions them as less-than, waiting for some future date when their thoughts will finally be valid.
Teenagers are dealing with real challenges. School stress, social dynamics, identity questions, and future planning are all happening now, not in some distant future when they’re older and wiser. Their concerns deserve to be taken seriously in the present.
A better approach is to meet them where they are. Explain things in a way that makes sense for their current level of experience. If something truly requires more life context, you can say “This might make more sense after you’ve had more time to experience similar situations” while still respecting their capacity to engage with difficult topics.
Trust that your teenager can handle nuanced conversations. You might be surprised by their insights.
5. “I’m disappointed in you”
Disappointment is a heavy emotion to carry, especially when it comes from a parent. While it’s natural to feel disappointed when your teenager makes poor choices, leading with that feeling can be damaging.
How we frame mistakes matters tremendously. When parents express disappointment in the person rather than addressing the specific behavior, teenagers internalize shame. They start to see themselves as fundamentally flawed rather than as someone who made a mistake.
This doesn’t mean you can’t express concerns about their choices. The key is in how you frame it. Instead of making it about your emotional state and their failure to live up to it, focus on the behavior and its consequences.
You might say “I’m concerned about the choice you made because it could have serious consequences” or “Let’s talk about what happened and how we can handle things differently next time.” These approaches address the issue without attaching shame to their identity.
When living in Santiago with my in-laws, I noticed how Matias’s parents handle difficult conversations with their adult children. They separate the person from the behavior, making it clear that love isn’t conditional on perfect choices. That distinction matters more than we realize.
6. “You’re too young to feel stressed/tired/overwhelmed”
Teenagers today face pressures that many adults don’t fully recognize. Academic expectations, social media, college planning, extracurricular demands, and social dynamics create real stress. Dismissing those experiences because “you don’t even pay bills yet” or “wait until you have real responsibilities” doesn’t help anyone.
Stress is stress, regardless of what causes it. A teenager’s brain responds to social rejection or academic pressure the same way an adult’s brain responds to work stress or financial worry. The physiological response is real.
According to the American Psychological Association, teenagers report stress levels that match or exceed those of adults, particularly during the school year. Many teenagers don’t have well-developed coping mechanisms yet, which can make managing stress even harder.
When your teenager expresses feeling overwhelmed, take it seriously. Ask what specifically is causing stress. Help them develop healthy coping strategies. Teach them how to prioritize and set boundaries. These are life skills that will serve them well into adulthood.
Minimizing their experience doesn’t build resilience. It just teaches them to hide their struggles from you.
7. “I sacrificed everything for you”
Parents do sacrifice for their children. That’s part of the deal. But using those sacrifices as emotional leverage creates guilt and obligation where there should be love and appreciation.
When you remind your teenager of everything you’ve given up for them, especially during conflicts, you’re putting them in an impossible position. They didn’t ask to be born. They didn’t negotiate the terms of your parenting commitment. Making them feel responsible for your choices isn’t fair.
This phrase also suggests that parenting is a transaction. You gave up things, so now they owe you perfect behavior, gratitude, and compliance. That’s not how healthy relationships work.
I think about the kind of relationship I want with Emilia when she’s grown. I want her to call me because she wants to, not because she feels guilty if she doesn’t. I want her to make choices based on her values, not on a sense of debt to me.
If you’re feeling unappreciated, there are better ways to address it. You can express your feelings without weaponizing your sacrifices. You might say “I feel hurt when my efforts aren’t acknowledged” or “I’d appreciate more help around the house.” These statements open dialogue without creating shame.
Final thoughts
The way we speak to our teenagers shapes how they see themselves and how they’ll relate to others throughout their lives. Words have weight, especially coming from a parent.
I’m not suggesting you need to be perfect. I know I won’t be. But being mindful of these common phrases and understanding why they’re harmful gives you a chance to respond differently in the moment.
Your teenager needs to know they’re valued, heard, and loved even when they mess up or push boundaries. They need space to develop their own identity while still feeling connected to you. The words you choose either build that foundation or chip away at it.
Choose wisely. Your teenager is listening, even when it doesn’t seem like it.
