I was sitting at a café last week when I overheard two women in their thirties talking about their childhoods. One was explaining how her mother still brought up her teenage mistakes at family dinners, and the other nodded knowingly. “Mine does the same thing,” she said quietly.
It got me thinking about the parenting choices we make today and how they’ll land twenty years from now. As a mother to a one-year-old, I know I’m going to mess up. We all do. But some patterns leave deeper marks than others, and psychology has plenty to say about which ones stick around longest.
Here are the parenting behaviors that adult children commonly resent, according to research and expert insights.
1. Comparing them to siblings or other kids
Children don’t forget being measured against others. When you tell your daughter that her brother got better grades or that the neighbor’s kid is more athletic, you’re not motivating her. You’re teaching her that your love comes with conditions.
I’ve watched this play out in my own extended family. My cousin still brings up how her parents constantly compared her to her older sister, who excelled at school while she struggled with learning differences. Decades later, the resentment is still there, sitting just under the surface of every family gathering.
Comparison creates a permanent sense of “not enough.” It doesn’t inspire kids to do better. It makes them wonder if they’ll ever measure up in your eyes.
2. Using guilt as your main parenting tool
“After everything I’ve done for you” is a phrase that echoes well into adulthood. When parents regularly remind children of their sacrifices or use guilt to control behavior, it creates a relationship built on obligation instead of genuine connection.
Guilt-based parenting damages children’s ability to set healthy boundaries and often leads to lifelong people-pleasing patterns.
I try to catch myself when I feel tempted to use this approach with Emilia. Yes, being a parent requires sacrifice. But framing every decision as a burden I’m carrying for her benefit isn’t fair to either of us. She didn’t ask to be born, and my choices are mine to own.
The healthier approach is addressing behavior directly without the emotional manipulation. “I need you to help with chores because we’re a family” works better than “I do everything for you and you can’t even clean your room.”
3. Dismissing their feelings or telling them they’re overreacting
Kids who hear “you’re too sensitive” or “that’s nothing to cry about” learn that their emotions aren’t valid. They grow into adults who struggle to trust their own feelings or express them in relationships.
When your child is upset about something that seems small to you, remember that their world is smaller. What feels manageable to you might genuinely feel overwhelming to them. Validation doesn’t mean you agree with every reaction. It means you acknowledge that what they’re feeling is real.
I’m making it a point to let Emilia experience her full range of emotions, even the uncomfortable ones. When she’s frustrated because she can’t reach a toy or upset because I won’t let her touch the stove, I name what she’s feeling instead of shutting it down. “You’re really mad right now, I can see that” goes a long way.
4. Making your happiness their responsibility
Some parents lean on their children for emotional support in ways that flip the natural parent-child dynamic. When you share adult problems with young kids or make them feel responsible for your mood, you’re asking them to parent you.
This pattern, often called emotional parentification, shows up later as adults who feel compelled to fix everyone around them. Psychology Today explains that parentified children often struggle with anxiety and difficulty maintaining their own boundaries in relationships.
Your children can be supportive as they grow older, but they shouldn’t be your therapist or your primary source of emotional regulation. That’s too heavy a load for developing shoulders.
5. Refusing to apologize or admit when you’re wrong
Parents who never say “I’m sorry” or “I made a mistake” teach their children that authority means never having to take responsibility. This creates adults who either become defensive when criticized or who struggle to stand up for themselves because they learned that admitting fault equals weakness.
I grew up in a culture where parents were expected to maintain an image of infallibility. Apologizing to your child was seen as undermining your authority. But I’ve seen how that plays out, and I’m choosing differently.
When I snap at Emilia because I’m stressed about work, I apologize. When I promise her we’ll go to the park and then can’t because of rain, I acknowledge the disappointment instead of brushing it off. She’s too young to understand the words yet, but I’m building the habit now so it’s natural later.
Apologizing to your kids doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human, and it teaches them that relationships require accountability.
6. Invading their privacy as teenagers
Reading their diary, going through their phone without permission, or interrogating them about every conversation doesn’t keep kids safe. It teaches them that privacy isn’t a right and that the people who claim to love them can’t be trusted.
There’s a difference between appropriate monitoring for safety and surveillance. One protects, the other controls. Kids need some space to figure out who they are, even if that means making small mistakes along the way.
Psychologists point out that adolescents need privacy to develop autonomy and identity. When parents violate that consistently, it damages trust that’s difficult to rebuild in adulthood.
This one’s still years away for me, but I’m already thinking about how to balance keeping Emilia safe while giving her room to grow. I know I’ll need to resist the urge to monitor everything, even when I’m scared.
7. Never letting them make age-appropriate decisions
Hovering over every choice, from what they wear to which friends they spend time with, creates adults who either rebel completely or can’t make decisions without excessive anxiety. Kids need practice making choices and experiencing natural consequences in low-stakes situations.
When children aren’t allowed to choose their own clothes, pack their own lunch, or decide how to spend their allowance, they miss out on developing judgment. Later, when the stakes are higher, they have no foundation for decision-making.
I’m a believer in letting kids explore and push limits within safe boundaries. That means Emilia will probably make some fashion choices I find questionable and pick activities I wouldn’t have chosen for her. But those small decisions give her practice for bigger ones down the road.
8. Playing favorites or showing obvious preferential treatment
Parents rarely admit to having a favorite, but kids always know. Whether it’s praising one child more, having different rules for different kids, or simply showing more warmth to one over another, preferential treatment creates lasting resentment.
The less-favored child grows up wondering what’s wrong with them. The favored one often struggles with pressure to maintain that position or guilt about the imbalance. Neither outcome is healthy.
Fair doesn’t always mean equal, especially when kids have different needs. But it does mean each child should feel equally valued and loved. When one consistently gets more attention, more patience, or more grace, the others notice and remember.
Final thoughts
None of us will parent perfectly. I know I’m going to look back on choices I make now and wish I’d done things differently. That’s part of being human.
But awareness matters. When we understand which patterns cause lasting harm, we can make more intentional choices. We can apologize when we mess up. We can work on breaking cycles that were passed down to us.
The goal isn’t to be a perfect parent. It’s to be a good enough one who owns their mistakes, respects their child’s humanity, and keeps showing up even when it’s hard. That’s what our kids will remember most.
