I watch my daughter navigate her little world with such confidence. At just over a year old, she’ll push away food she doesn’t want, refuse to wear certain clothes, and make it very clear when she’s done playing. There’s something beautiful about that unfiltered honesty.
But I also know how easily that changes. I’ve seen it happen with friends’ kids, and I remember my own journey learning to speak up for myself. Somewhere along the way, many of us learn that keeping others happy matters more than our own needs.
The tricky part? Parents rarely set out to raise people-pleasers. Most of these patterns come from love, from wanting to raise kind and considerate children. But there’s a difference between teaching empathy and teaching kids to abandon their own needs for approval.
Here are the behaviors that can accidentally tip the balance.
1. Praising kids mainly for being “good” or “easy”
When I hear parents gush about how their child never causes trouble or always does what they’re told, I get it. Life is easier when kids cooperate. But what message does that send?
Kids are smart. They pick up on what gets them love and attention. If “being good” means never disagreeing or expressing frustration, they learn to bury those feelings.
I make a point to celebrate Emilia’s personality, not just her compliance. When she refuses something, I acknowledge her preference even if I can’t always honor it. “You really don’t want to wear that today, do you? I hear you.” It’s a small thing, but it tells her that her opinions matter even when they’re inconvenient for me.
2. Dismissing or minimizing their emotions
“You’re fine” or “it’s not a big deal” might feel like reassurance, but to a child, it often sounds like their feelings don’t count.
Children whose emotions are dismissed tend to struggle more with emotional regulation later in life. They learn that what they feel isn’t valid unless someone else agrees.
The other day, Emilia got upset when her favorite toy rolled under the couch. To me, it was nothing. To her, it was everything in that moment. I could have brushed it off, but instead I sat with her and said, “That’s frustrating, isn’t it?” She calmed down faster than she would have if I’d told her she was overreacting.
When kids learn their emotions are valid, they’re less likely to suppress them just to keep the peace.
3. Making love feel conditional on achievement or behavior
This one is subtle. Most parents would never intentionally withdraw love, but our reactions can create that impression.
If warmth and affection show up more often after a good report card or a sports win, kids start to connect their worth with performance. They begin to believe they’re only lovable when they’re excelling or making others proud.
I try to separate who Emilia is from what she does. Yes, I celebrate her milestones, but I also make sure she knows my love doesn’t depend on them. The hugs and connection happen whether she’s having her best day or her worst.
4. Apologizing excessively or over-explaining decisions
I used to do this constantly. “I’m so sorry, but we can’t go to the park today because…” and then I’d launch into a ten-minute explanation, as if I needed my child’s approval for my decision.
Here’s the thing. When parents constantly apologize for reasonable boundaries, kids learn that asserting needs requires justification and guilt. They pick up on the idea that saying no is something to feel bad about.
Now I keep it simple. “We’re staying home today.” If Emilia protests, I acknowledge her disappointment without backtracking. She’s learning that boundaries aren’t cruel, they’re just part of life.
5. Stepping in too quickly to fix social conflicts
Watching your child struggle socially is hard. When Emilia plays with the neighbor kids and someone takes her toy, every instinct in me wants to intervene immediately.
But if I always smooth things over, I rob her of the chance to learn how to handle disagreement herself.
I watch from a distance now. If things escalate, I’m there. But if it’s manageable, I let her figure it out. Those small moments of discomfort build resilience.
6. Modeling people-pleasing behavior themselves
Kids don’t learn from what we say. They learn from what we do.
If I constantly say yes when I mean no, if I apologize for things that aren’t my fault, if I prioritize everyone else’s comfort over my own, Emilia will think that’s how relationships work.
I’ve had to get more honest about my own boundaries. When my husband and I have friends over and I’m exhausted, I don’t push through just to be a good host anymore. I’ll excuse myself early, and I don’t make it a big production. “I’m heading to bed, but you all enjoy.” It’s that simple.
Matias does the same. We want Emilia to see that you can be kind and still honor your own limits.
7. Asking them to suppress their needs to keep others comfortable
“Don’t bother your dad, he’s tired.” “Grandma worked hard on this meal, so just eat it.” These requests seem harmless, but they teach kids that other people’s comfort always comes first.
Sometimes accommodation is necessary. But when it becomes the default, children learn that their needs are less important than everyone else’s.
I try to balance this. Yes, we consider others, but not at the expense of Emilia’s voice. If she’s not hungry, she doesn’t have to finish her plate just because I cooked it. If she needs something from Matias while he’s resting, we figure it out together instead of shutting her down.
8. Rewarding self-sacrifice and ignoring self-advocacy
Sharing is important. Kindness matters. But when kids only get praised for giving things up and never for standing their ground, the message is clear.
I make sure to acknowledge both. “That was generous of you to share your snack” gets the same energy as “I’m glad you told your friend you weren’t ready to leave yet.” Both are valuable skills.
Children benefit most when they learn empathy alongside assertiveness. One without the other creates an imbalance that can last a lifetime.
9. Creating an environment where disagreement feels unsafe
Some households run on harmony at all costs. Conflict is avoided, voices are never raised, and everyone is expected to just get along.
That sounds peaceful, but it can backfire. Kids in these environments often grow up believing that disagreement equals relationship damage. They learn to swallow their opinions rather than risk upsetting anyone.
In our home, disagreement is normal. Matias and I don’t always agree, and we don’t hide that from Emilia. We talk through our differences respectfully, and we move on. She’s learning that you can have conflict without catastrophe.
I want her to know that relationships can handle honesty. That you don’t lose people just because you don’t always go along with what they want.
Final thoughts
Raising kids who are both kind and confident isn’t about choosing one or the other. It’s about giving them permission to care for others without erasing themselves in the process.
People-pleasing doesn’t come from nowhere. It develops in environments where approval feels conditional, where emotions are dismissed, and where self-sacrifice is the only version of kindness that gets celebrated.
The good news? Small shifts make a difference. You don’t have to overhaul your entire parenting approach. Just pay attention to the moments when your child asserts a need or expresses an inconvenient emotion. How you respond shapes what they believe about their own worth.
I’m still learning this alongside Emilia. Some days I get it right, and some days I catch myself slipping into old patterns. But I keep coming back to this question: am I teaching her to be kind, or am I teaching her that being loved requires making herself smaller?
That distinction changes everything.
