I remember sitting at a café in Itaim Bibi, watching a kid throw a full-on tantrum because his mom wouldn’t buy him a second pastry. The mom looked exhausted, apologizing to everyone around while the kid kept screaming. She eventually gave in, and he grabbed the pastry without even a thank you.
It got me thinking about how we shape our kids without even realizing it. I’m raising Emilia to explore and push boundaries, but there’s a difference between giving kids freedom and accidentally teaching them the world revolves around them.
Here are some patterns I’ve noticed that can backfire in the long run.
1. Shielding kids from every disappointment
Life doesn’t hand out participation trophies, but some parents act like it should. When a child doesn’t make the team or doesn’t get invited to a party, the instinct is to swoop in and fix it. Maybe you call the coach, or you throw an even bigger party to make up for it.
I get it. Watching your kid feel sad is brutal. But when we constantly cushion every blow, we’re teaching them that discomfort is something to avoid rather than something to move through.
Kids need to learn that disappointment is just part of the deal. It’s uncomfortable, but it passes. When they experience it in small doses early on, they build the resilience to handle bigger setbacks later.
2. Never saying no without a lengthy explanation
Some parents treat every “no” like it needs a full legal defense. The kid asks for candy before dinner, and instead of a simple “not right now,” it turns into a ten-minute negotiation about nutrition, timing, and feelings.
I’m all for explaining things to Emilia, but sometimes a boundary is just a boundary. Kids don’t need a dissertation every time they hear no. What they need is to understand that some decisions aren’t up for debate.
When every rule becomes negotiable, kids start to believe that persistence will eventually wear you down. And honestly, they’re usually right.
3. Doing tasks the child is capable of handling themselves
It’s faster to pack your kid’s backpack yourself. It’s easier to clean up their toys while they play. I’ve done both more times than I’d like to admit, usually when I’m rushing to get something done.
But here’s the thing. When we constantly step in to do things our kids can handle, we’re sending a message that someone else will always take care of it. As noted by psychologists, overparenting often stems from our own anxiety rather than the child’s actual needs.
Emilia is only one, but she’s already learning to put her toys in the basket after playtime. It takes forever and the basket is never full, but she’s building the habit. Those small moments of responsibility add up.
4. Prioritizing the child’s preferences over basic courtesy
I’ve seen this play out at family dinners. A kid announces they don’t like what’s being served, and suddenly the whole meal shifts to accommodate them. Someone runs to make chicken nuggets while everyone else waits.
Teaching kids that their preferences trump everyone else’s time and effort is a recipe for disaster. There’s nothing wrong with having food preferences, but there’s a way to handle them that doesn’t involve making everyone else bend around you.
In our house, I cook one meal. If Emilia doesn’t want it when she’s older, she can have fruit or bread. But I’m not running a restaurant, and neither is anyone else.
5. Allowing disrespectful behavior because they’re “just being honest”
Kids say wild things. Emilia once pointed at a man on the metro and yelled “big.” He laughed it off, but I still felt my face get hot.
Some parents let their kids say whatever pops into their heads because “kids are so honest” or “at least they’re expressing themselves.” But there’s a difference between honesty and rudeness, and kids need to learn where that line is.
You can teach a child to notice things without commenting on someone’s appearance. You can encourage them to speak up without letting them interrupt or talk over others. Honesty doesn’t mean you get to say anything to anyone.
6. Jumping in to solve conflicts between kids
When two kids are arguing over a toy, the easiest move is to step in immediately and broker a deal. You split the time, you offer a substitute, you redirect them to something else.
But when we do this every single time, kids never learn how to work through disagreements on their own. They start to expect that an adult will always show up to fix things.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is stay close but let them figure it out. They’ll surprise you with what they come up with when you’re not hovering.
7. Making exceptions to rules constantly
We all bend the rules sometimes. Bedtime gets pushed back for a special occasion. Screen time limits stretch on a rainy day. That’s normal.
The problem starts when exceptions become the norm. If the rule is no screens during meals but it happens three times a week, it’s not really a rule anymore. It’s a suggestion.
Kids are smart. They notice patterns, and they test boundaries to see what holds. When rules are flexible most of the time, they learn that rules don’t really matter. What matters is how well they can lobby for what they want.
8. Celebrating every small action like a major achievement
Positive reinforcement is important, but there’s a point where it tips into overkill. When a kid gets applause for putting on their shoes or throwing something in the trash, the praise starts to lose meaning.
I want Emilia to feel proud of herself, but I also want her to develop intrinsic motivation. She should clean up because it feels good to have a tidy space, not because she’s expecting a standing ovation every time.
Psychologists note that praising effort rather than inherent traits helps children develop a growth mindset and resilience. Save the big celebrations for genuine effort and achievement. Let the everyday stuff be just that: everyday.
9. Protecting kids from the natural consequences of their choices
If your kid forgets their homework at home, the instinct is to drive it to school so they don’t get in trouble. If they spend all their allowance in one day, you might give them more so they don’t miss out on something later in the week.
These small rescues seem harmless, but they add up. When kids don’t experience the consequences of their choices, they don’t learn to think ahead or plan better next time.
Let them forget the homework sometimes. Let them run out of money. The discomfort they feel is the lesson, and it’s way more effective than any lecture you could give.
Final thoughts
I think about this stuff a lot as I watch Emilia grow. She’s at the age where she’s testing everything, and I’m constantly trying to find the balance between letting her explore and teaching her that the world doesn’t revolve around her.
Parenting is hard enough without worrying about getting every single thing right. But small, consistent choices add up over time. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to let your kid feel uncomfortable sometimes, to say no and mean it, and to step back when they’re capable of handling something on their own.
The goal isn’t to raise a kid who never messes up. It’s to raise someone who knows how to recover when they do.
