Picture this: You’re at Sunday dinner, and your toddler refuses to eat the mashed potatoes.
You calmly say it’s okay, they don’t have to eat them. Then your mother-in-law swoops in with a spoonful, cooing “Just one bite for Grandma!” while shooting you a look that says you’re being too lenient. Sound familiar?
Navigating the mother-in-law relationship can feel like walking through a minefield, especially when it comes to parenting. And here’s the thing: sometimes the undermining is so subtle, you question whether you’re being oversensitive or if there’s really something going on.
After years of learning to set boundaries with family about our parenting choices, I’ve noticed some patterns that might help you figure out if you’re dealing with subtle sabotage or just different generational perspectives.
1. She questions your decisions in front of your kids
Ever notice how some comments happen right when little ears are listening? “Are you sure they should have another snack?” or “In my day, children went to bed at 7 PM sharp” might seem innocent enough. But when these observations consistently happen in front of your kids, it plants seeds of doubt about your authority.
My five-year-old once asked me why Grandma thinks I’m doing things wrong after overhearing one too many “helpful suggestions” during a visit. That’s when I knew we had crossed from advice into undermining territory.
2. She “forgets” your rules when babysitting
You’ve been clear: no screen time before bed. Yet every time she watches the kids, somehow they end up watching cartoons right until you walk through the door. “Oh, I must have forgotten!” she says with a smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
Once or twice? Sure, anyone can forget. But when it becomes a pattern with the same rules being broken repeatedly, that’s not forgetfulness. That’s a choice.
3. She compares you to other parents constantly
“Sarah’s daughter-in-law makes everything from scratch” or “Did you see how well-behaved Jennifer’s kids were at the restaurant?” These comparisons might be framed as casual observations, but they carry a clear message: you’re not measuring up.
The comparison game is particularly insidious because it’s hard to call out. After all, she’s just making conversation, right? But when every interaction includes how someone else is doing it better, it chips away at your confidence.
4. She gives gifts that override your values
You’re trying to limit plastic toys and focus on wooden, educational items? Here comes Grandma with the loudest, flashiest electronic gadget she could find. You’re working on reducing sugar? She shows up with bags of candy “just for special treats.”
When someone consistently gives gifts that directly contradict your stated preferences, they’re sending a message about whose judgment they trust more.
5. She rewrites history about her own parenting
According to her stories, her children never had tantrums, always ate their vegetables, and were reading by age three. This selective memory serves one purpose: to highlight how your children’s normal behaviors are somehow your fault.
I’ve learned to smile and nod when I hear about how her kids supposedly never needed more than one reminder to clean their rooms. My husband’s childhood photos tell a very different story!
6. She plays good cop to your bad cop
You set a boundary or consequence, and suddenly Grandma becomes the hero who understands that “Mommy is being mean.” She might slip them treats after you’ve said no dessert, or comfort them in a way that suggests your discipline was unfair.
This dynamic is particularly damaging because it teaches kids they can circumvent your authority by appealing to Grandma. It’s manipulation disguised as grandmotherly love.
7. She shares unsolicited parenting articles
We all know that person who constantly forwards articles. But when every article from your mother-in-law happens to contradict something you’re doing? “Thought you might find this interesting” becomes code for “You’re doing it wrong.”
Whether it’s about sleep training, nutrition, or discipline methods, these “helpful” articles always seem to appear right after you’ve made a parenting decision she disagrees with.
8. She makes passive-aggressive comments about your choices
“Well, I guess things are different now” or “If you think that’s best” followed by a heavy sigh. These comments are designed to express disapproval without direct confrontation. They leave you feeling defensive about choices you were confident about five minutes ago.
The beauty of passive-aggressive comments? When you react, you look like the unreasonable one. After all, she didn’t actually say anything negative, did she?
9. She triangulates through your partner
Instead of talking to you directly, she goes to your partner with concerns about your parenting. “I’m just worried about the kids” becomes the opening line for questioning everything from your discipline style to your meal planning.
This approach not only undermines you but can create tension in your relationship. Suddenly you’re having to defend your parenting choices to your partner because their mom planted seeds of doubt.
10. She dismisses your concerns as oversensitivity
When you try to address any of these behaviors, you’re told you’re being too sensitive, taking things the wrong way, or that she’s “just trying to help.” This gaslighting response invalidates your feelings and makes you question your own perception of reality.
A grandmother who truly respects your role as parent will listen when you express concerns, not dismiss them. If every attempt at boundary-setting is met with accusations of oversensitivity, that’s a red flag.
Moving forward with grace and boundaries
Recognizing these patterns is the first step. The next is deciding how to respond in a way that protects your family’s well-being while maintaining relationships where possible.
Remember, you’re not obligated to accept behavior that undermines your parenting, no matter who it comes from. Setting boundaries isn’t mean or ungrateful; it’s necessary for your children to see you as their primary authority figure.
Some battles aren’t worth fighting, but your role as your children’s parent? That’s worth defending every single time. Trust your instincts, stand firm in your decisions, and remember that wanting respect for your parenting choices doesn’t make you difficult. It makes you a parent who knows their worth.
And to all the mother-in-laws out there who genuinely support and respect their children’s parenting choices? You’re the real MVPs. The rest could learn a thing or two from you about what loving support actually looks like.
