You know that moment when your five-year-old looks up at you and asks why some of her friends have two houses? That conversation hit me differently than I expected. Not because explaining divorce is particularly hard, but because I suddenly realized how much my own childhood shaped who I am today.
My parents split when I was seven. Back then, I thought it was the worst thing that could happen to a kid. Now, as I watch Ellie and Milo grow up in our intact family, I see things differently.
There are certain truths, certain depths of understanding, that children of divorce carry with them forever. Some are painful, sure, but others? They’re unexpected gifts that shape us in ways kids from traditionally “happy” families might never experience.
1. Love isn’t always enough
This one stings, but it’s real. While other kids grew up believing that love conquers all, we learned early that two people can love each other and still be completely wrong together. We watched our parents struggle with this truth, and it taught us that relationships need more than just feelings. They need compatibility, shared values, respect, and a whole lot of work.
When I met my husband at that backyard BBQ eight years ago, bonding over our favorite hiking trails, I knew I loved him pretty quickly. But I also knew to look deeper.
Did we want the same things? Could we handle conflict well? Were we growing in the same direction? These aren’t questions that occur to everyone, but for us divorce kids, they’re essential.
2. You can be the parent and the child at the same time
Ever find yourself comforting your mom after a tough day when you were only ten? Or helping your dad figure out how to use the washing machine because he’d never done it before?
Children of divorce often become little adults way too soon. We learned to read the room, manage emotions (ours and theirs), and sometimes even mediate between our parents.
Is it fair? Not really. But it taught us emotional intelligence that serves us well now. When Milo has a meltdown at the farmer’s market, I can stay calm because I learned long ago how to navigate big emotions, even when they’re not mine.
3. Holidays are negotiable
While other families have their set traditions, we learned that everything is flexible.
Christmas morning might be December 23rd one year. Thanksgiving could happen twice. Your birthday might be celebrated on three different days with different groups of people.
This taught us adaptability in ways that still surprise me. When plans fall through or traditions need to change, we roll with it. We know that the date on the calendar matters less than the intention behind the celebration.
4. There’s no such thing as a perfect family
Kids from intact families might grow up thinking their family drama is unique or shameful. We knew better. We saw behind the curtain early. We understood that every family has its struggles, its secrets, its imperfections. The difference is that ours were just more visible.
This perspective has been invaluable in my parenting journey. When my parents were skeptical of what they called my “hippie parenting,” I didn’t take it personally. I knew they were doing their best with their own baggage, just like I am with mine.
5. You develop a sixth sense for tension
Can you walk into a room and immediately know if two people have been arguing? Children of divorce develop this superpower early. We became experts at reading micro-expressions, sensing unspoken conflicts, and predicting emotional storms.
Sometimes this hypervigilance is exhausting. But it also means we’re incredibly attuned to our relationships. We notice when something’s off. We address issues before they explode. We don’t let resentment simmer for years.
6. Independence isn’t just a virtue, it’s survival
When you’re shuttling between two houses, you learn to adapt quickly. You keep track of your own stuff. You remember which homework is at which house. You become self-sufficient because you have to be.
This independence serves us well as adults, but it can also make it hard to ask for help. I still struggle with this. When I chose my alternative parenting path and lost some friendships over it, my instinct was to handle the isolation alone rather than reach out for support.
7. Blood doesn’t always mean family
Step-parents, half-siblings, your mom’s new boyfriend’s kids who you see every other weekend, these relationships taught us that family is about choice as much as genetics. We learned that love can grow in unexpected places and that family can be beautifully complicated.
This expanded definition of family has influenced how I build community now. The village raising my kids includes chosen family, friends who’ve become aunties and uncles, and neighbors who feel like grandparents.
8. Forgiveness is a process, not a moment
We watched our parents hurt each other, sometimes terribly. We felt hurt by their choices too. But most of us eventually learned that holding onto anger only poisons us. Forgiveness isn’t about saying what happened was okay. It’s about freeing yourself from carrying that weight.
This understanding of forgiveness as an ongoing practice rather than a one-time decision has shaped how I handle conflicts in my own life. It’s helped me process how my strict upbringing affects my current parenting without getting stuck in blame.
9. There are always two sides to every story
We became masters at seeing multiple perspectives because we had to. Mom’s version of events was different from Dad’s, and the truth was usually somewhere in the middle. This taught us to question narratives, to look for bias, to understand that everyone’s operating from their own reality.
This skill has been invaluable in navigating adult relationships and parenting. When Ellie tells me about a conflict with a friend, I help her consider the other child’s perspective too.
10. Resilience isn’t optional
Perhaps the biggest gift (disguised as a challenge) is that we learned resilience early. We adapted to change, survived emotional upheaval, and discovered we were stronger than we knew. We learned that we could handle hard things because we already had.
Finding the gifts in the grief
I’m not saying divorce is good for kids. There’s real loss and pain involved that shouldn’t be minimized. But I am saying that those of us who lived through it gained perspectives and strengths that serve us well.
These days, when I sometimes feel isolated in my natural parenting choices, when the weight of trying to do things differently from how I was raised feels heavy, I remember that I’ve navigated harder things. That resilience, that ability to see complexity, that deep understanding that there’s no perfect way to do family, these are the unexpected gifts from my imperfect childhood.
So when Ellie asks about her friends with two houses, I tell her the truth. Sometimes families change shape, and that’s okay. What matters is that love finds a way to grow, even in unexpected gardens.
