Have you ever wondered why making real friends feels so much harder as an adult? I used to think it was just me, until I started digging into my own childhood and realized that so many of my struggles with connection trace back to those early years.
As someone who spent seven years teaching kindergarten before becoming a mom, I’ve watched countless kids navigate friendships. And now, watching my own two little ones build their social worlds, I can’t help but reflect on how certain childhood experiences shaped my own ability (or inability) to form deep connections.
If you’re reading this and thinking “Why is it so hard to make friends who really get me?” you’re not alone. Let’s explore some childhood experiences that might be at the root of it all.
1. Your family kept conversations at surface level
Growing up as the middle child of three, we had family dinners every single night. Sounds ideal, right? But here’s the thing: our conversations never went deeper than “How was school?” and “Pass the potatoes.” We talked around feelings, not through them.
When you grow up in a household where vulnerability isn’t modeled, you learn that keeping things light equals keeping things safe. Fast forward to adulthood, and you might find yourself stuck in that same pattern, unable to move past small talk even when you desperately want deeper connection.
I catch myself doing this sometimes. A friend asks how I’m really doing, and my automatic response is “Fine!” even when I’m drowning in toddler tantrums and feeling isolated. Breaking this pattern takes conscious effort.
2. You were taught to be the peacekeeper
Were you the kid who smoothed things over when siblings fought? The one who made everyone laugh when tension rose at the dinner table? That was me, constantly monitoring the emotional temperature of the room and adjusting myself accordingly.
This childhood role turns you into an adult who prioritizes everyone else’s comfort over authentic connection. You become so focused on keeping the peace that you forget to show up as yourself. And here’s the truth: real friendship requires showing up with your messy, imperfect, sometimes-difficult self.
3. Your emotions were minimized or dismissed
“You’re being too sensitive.” “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” “Big girls don’t act like that.”
Sound familiar? When children hear these messages repeatedly, they learn that their feelings are wrong, too much, or inconvenient. So they shut down. They learn to hide what they’re really feeling behind a mask of being “fine.”
As adults, this translates into friendships where you never quite let anyone see the real you. You might have plenty of acquaintances but no one who truly knows your fears, dreams, or struggles. Because letting someone see those parts of you feels dangerous, even decades later.
4. Achievement was valued over connection
Maybe your family celebrated straight A’s but never asked about your friendships. Or perhaps social time was seen as less important than studying, practicing, or achieving. The message was clear: productivity matters more than people.
I see this playing out in my own life sometimes. When choosing between a playdate for my kids or checking off my to-do list, that old programming whispers that achievement should come first. But kids who grow up with this mindset become adults who struggle to prioritize friendships, always putting work or goals ahead of nurturing relationships.
5. You experienced frequent moves or instability
Some kids learn early that connections are temporary. Whether through military moves, financial instability, or family upheaval, they discover that getting attached means getting hurt when you inevitably have to say goodbye.
The protective mechanism? Don’t get too close. Keep friendships light and easy to walk away from. As an adult, this might look like having lots of casual friends but never letting anyone get close enough to really matter. Because if they matter, losing them will hurt.
6. Your differences made you feel like an outsider
Maybe you were the bookworm in a family of athletes. The sensitive soul in a house of “tough it out” mentality. The creative dreamer among practical planners. Whatever made you different, you learned early that being yourself meant being alone.
This is something I’ve struggled with personally. When I chose an alternative parenting path, embracing attachment parenting and natural living, I lost some friendships. People didn’t understand why I’d leave teaching to stay home, why we co-sleep, or why I limit screen time. That childhood feeling of being “too different” came flooding back.
7. Trust was broken early
Perhaps a friend betrayed your secret in third grade. Maybe a parent made promises they didn’t keep. Or a sibling used your vulnerabilities against you. These early breaches of trust create a template: people aren’t safe.
When you’ve been hurt young, you build walls. And while those walls might have protected you as a child, they now keep out the very connections you crave. You might find yourself testing friends constantly, waiting for them to prove they’ll hurt you, or leaving before they get the chance.
8. You were parentified too young
Some children take on adult responsibilities early, caring for younger siblings, managing household tasks, or being their parent’s emotional support. While this creates incredibly capable adults, it also creates people who struggle to be vulnerable or ask for help.
In friendships, you might always be the giver, the helper, the one who has it all together. But friendship requires reciprocity. It needs you to sometimes be the one who falls apart, who needs support, who doesn’t have all the answers.
Finding your way forward
Recognizing these patterns is the first step. I’m still working through my own childhood patterns of people-pleasing and perfectionism, and some days are harder than others. But here’s what I’m learning: the beautiful thing about adult friendships is that we get to write new rules.
We can choose vulnerability even when it feels scary. We can practice showing up as ourselves, messiness and all. We can learn to trust again, slowly and carefully. We can prioritize connection over achievement, even when that old programming tells us otherwise.
Watching my daughter sort leaves with her friends or seeing my son build couch cushion forts with his buddies, I’m reminded that connection is our natural state. We all started out knowing how to be friends. Sometimes we just need to unlearn what got in the way.
If you’re struggling with friendships as an adult, be gentle with yourself. Those childhood experiences shaped you, but they don’t have to define you. Every day offers a new chance to reach out, open up, and connect. Even when it’s scary. Especially when it’s scary.
