Every holiday season, I watch my friend pour her heart into preparing for her adult children’s visit, only to have them cancel at the last minute. Again. And while she tries to hide it, I see the heartbreak in her eyes.
It makes me wonder: what creates that distance between parents and their grown kids? What makes some families naturally gravitate together while others drift apart?
As someone who grew up with emotionally distant parents myself, I’ve spent years thinking about this. My dad worked endless hours and rarely showed affection. Now, as a mother to two little ones, I’m determined to break those patterns. Because here’s what I’ve learned: the habits we form today shape whether our kids will want to spend time with us tomorrow.
If you’re hoping for close relationships with your adult children someday, these eight common parenting habits need to go.
1. Making everything about you
Remember when your toddler had a meltdown in the grocery store? My first instinct used to be embarrassment about what other shoppers thought of me. But our kids aren’t extensions of our ego. They’re whole people with their own feelings and experiences.
When we constantly center ourselves in their stories (“How could you do this to me?” or “What will people think of our family?”), we teach them that their primary job is managing our emotions. And honestly? That gets exhausting. Adult children who grew up walking on eggshells around their parents’ feelings often choose distance over constant emotional labor.
Instead, try responding to their experiences with curiosity about them, not concern for yourself. When my daughter comes home upset about a friend issue, I bite my tongue before saying “Well, when I was your age…” and ask her how she’s feeling instead.
2. Dismissing their feelings as “too sensitive”
Growing up in my traditional Midwest home, crying was met with “You’re being too sensitive” or “That’s nothing to cry about.” Those words still echo sometimes when my son melts down over his tower falling.
But here’s what dismissing emotions really teaches: your feelings don’t matter to me. Is it any wonder kids who hear this grow into adults who don’t share their lives with us?
When we validate feelings (even the messy, inconvenient ones), we become safe people. My daughter knows she can tell me anything because I won’t minimize how she feels. That foundation of emotional safety is what brings adult children back home, not obligation.
3. Using guilt as your go-to tool
“After everything I’ve done for you…” Sound familiar? Maybe you heard it growing up, or maybe you’ve caught yourself saying it.
Guilt might get immediate compliance, but it plants seeds of resentment that bloom later. Kids who are constantly guilted into behavior learn to associate their parents with negative feelings. Why would they choose to visit someone who makes them feel bad about themselves?
Natural consequences work so much better than guilt trips. When my kids don’t clean up their toys, the toys take a “vacation” for a few days. No drama, no “Look how hard Mommy works and you can’t even help.” Just simple cause and effect.
4. Never admitting you’re wrong
Last week, I snapped at my daughter for spilling juice right after I’d mopped. Then I saw her face crumble and realized she’d been trying to help set the table. I could have brushed it off, maintained my authority. Instead, I knelt down and apologized.
Parents who never apologize, never admit mistakes, never say “I don’t know” create an impossible standard. Their kids grow up either feeling like failures (because they can’t be perfect like Mom or Dad claimed to be) or seeing their parents as hypocrites.
Showing our humanity builds connection. My kids know I mess up sometimes, and they see me trying to do better. That’s the relationship that survives into adulthood: real, honest, and growing together.
5. Comparing them to others
“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” “The neighbor’s kids never act this way.”
Comparison is relationship poison. It tells kids they’re not enough as they are, that love is conditional on performance. Adult children who grew up being compared often avoid family gatherings because being around their parents triggers those old feelings of inadequacy.
Each child deserves to be seen for who they are. Yes, my daughter is naturally tidier than my son. So what? They’re different people with different strengths. Celebrating their individual qualities means they won’t need to distance themselves from us to find their identity.
6. Invading their privacy
Do you read your kid’s diary? Go through their phone without permission? Demand to know every detail of their friendships?
Privacy invasion teaches kids that boundaries don’t matter in relationships. When they become adults who try to set healthy boundaries, parents who never respected privacy feel shocked and hurt. But the distance was created long ago, one violated boundary at a time.
Age-appropriate privacy shows respect. My five-year-old has a special box where she keeps her treasures. I don’t look inside unless invited. It’s small, but it teaches her that her boundaries matter to me.
7. Making them your emotional support system
After particularly hard days teaching, I used to come home and dump all my frustrations on whoever would listen. Then I realized my daughter had started trying to “fix” my bad moods, bringing me pictures she’d drawn to cheer me up.
Kids aren’t equipped to handle adult emotional burdens. When we make them our confidants about marriage problems, financial stress, or adult friendships, we force them into a role reversal. These kids often become adults who need distance to finally have their own emotional space.
Our children deserve to be children. When I need to process adult stuff, I call a friend, journal, or talk to my husband after the kids are asleep. My emotions are my responsibility, not theirs.
8. Refusing to let them grow up
Every milestone brings mixed feelings. Part of me wants to keep my babies small forever. But trying to keep kids dependent, making their decisions, or treating adult children like they’re still ten drives them away.
The goal isn’t to raise children who need us forever. It’s to raise adults who choose us. That means letting them make age-appropriate choices (and mistakes), respecting their adult decisions even when we disagree, and evolving our relationship as they grow.
The path forward
Breaking these patterns isn’t easy, especially when they might be all we knew growing up. I still catch myself slipping into old habits my parents used. But every time I choose connection over control, understanding over judgment, or respect over power, I’m investing in the relationship I hope to have with my adult children someday.
Our kids don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are safe, who respect them as individuals, who can admit mistakes and grow. Those are the parents whose adult children come home for Sunday dinners because they want to, not because they have to.
The relationship we’re building today determines whether our children will seek us out or avoid us tomorrow. Every interaction is a deposit or withdrawal from that future relationship bank account.
So here’s to raising kids who genuinely enjoy our company, who call because they want to share their lives with us, who see coming home as a joy rather than an obligation. It starts with letting go of these eight habits and choosing connection instead.
