Growing up, I always watched other people navigate friendships with what seemed like effortless ease. They had their ride-or-die best friends, the ones they’d call at 2 AM, the ones who knew all their secrets.
Me? I’ve spent most of my adult life without that kind of connection.
Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. Good ones, even. But that singular “best friend” relationship that everyone seems to cherish? It’s been elusive for me, and for years I wondered if something was wrong with me.
If you’re reading this and nodding along, you’re not alone. Many of us go through adult life without that one person we’d call our absolute best friend. And over time, we develop certain behaviors and patterns that become second nature.
Here are nine behaviors that might resonate if you’ve walked this path too.
1. You’ve become your own emotional support system
When something big happens in your life, who’s the first person you process it with?
For me, it’s usually… me.
I’ve developed this habit of working through my emotions internally before sharing them with anyone else. Whether it’s journaling, going for a long run, or just sitting with my thoughts, I’ve learned to be my own sounding board.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, the self-reliance I’ve developed has served me well, especially during my years living abroad in Southeast Asia. When you’re thousands of miles from familiar faces, being able to process and cope independently becomes a superpower.
But sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have that one person who just gets it, without needing the backstory or context.
2. You spread your social energy across multiple friend groups
Instead of having one best friend, you probably have several good friends across different contexts. Work friends, hobby friends, childhood friends who you catch up with occasionally.
You’re like a social butterfly, but not in the traditional sense. You don’t flit from party to party. Instead, you maintain meaningful but compartmentalized relationships with various people.
This approach has its advantages. As I explore in my book Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, Buddhism teaches us about non-attachment and the impermanence of all relationships. By not putting all our emotional eggs in one basket, we practice a form of healthy detachment.
Yet there’s something to be said for having that one person who knows all the different facets of your life, not just the version of you they see at book club or yoga class.
3. You’re incredibly comfortable with solitude
Friday night rolls around, and while others are making plans with their bestie, you’re perfectly content with your own company.
This isn’t about being antisocial. It’s about genuinely enjoying solitude. You’ve probably developed rich solo hobbies, whether it’s reading, creating art, or exploring new places on your own.
I remember when I first moved abroad, people would ask if I was lonely. The truth? Not really. I’d already spent so many years comfortable in my own skin that being alone in a new country felt like an extension of what I already knew.
4. You hesitate before reaching out when you need help
Who do you call when your car breaks down? When you need someone to watch your pet? When you’re having a terrible day and just need to vent?
Without a default best friend, these moments become surprisingly complex calculations. You mentally scroll through your contacts, weighing who might be available, who you haven’t bothered recently, who would be most appropriate for this particular situation.
Sometimes, you end up just handling it yourself rather than navigating the mental gymnastics of choosing who to call.
5. You’re an excellent listener but selective about sharing
Years of not having that one confidant have probably made you a vault when it comes to other people’s secrets. You listen well, you give thoughtful advice, but you rarely reciprocate with your own vulnerabilities.
It’s not that you’re being secretive. It’s more that you’ve learned to be selective about what you share and with whom. Without that established best friend dynamic, every personal revelation feels like it needs to be carefully considered.
This can make you seem mysterious or hard to get to know, even though you’re genuinely open to connection.
6. You’ve developed strong boundaries
Without a best friend to blur the lines with, you’ve probably become really good at maintaining boundaries in all your relationships.
You don’t expect too much from any one person, and you don’t let others become overly dependent on you. There’s a healthy distance you maintain, even with people you care about deeply.
This is something I dive into in Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego. The Buddhist concept of the Middle Way teaches us to avoid extremes, and perhaps those of us without best friends have inadvertently mastered this in our relationships.
7. You struggle with the term “best friend”
When someone refers to you as their best friend, do you feel a slight panic?
I’ve been there. The label feels heavy, loaded with expectations you’re not sure you can meet. What does being someone’s best friend even mean when you’ve never really had one yourself?
You might deflect with humor or quickly change the subject when friendship labels come up. It’s not that you don’t value the relationship; you just don’t know how to navigate the terminology that seems so natural to everyone else.
8. You’re incredibly adaptable in social situations
Years of not having a built-in plus-one have made you a social chameleon. You can show up to a party alone and be fine. You can join a group dinner where you only know one person and hold your own.
This adaptability is a strength that many people with best friends never develop. They always have their safety net, their person to retreat to when social situations get uncomfortable.
You? You’ve learned to be your own safety net.
9. You sometimes wonder what you’re missing
Despite all the strength and independence you’ve developed, there are moments when you wonder what it would be like to have that ride-or-die friend.
When you see those best friend posts on social media, or watch movies centered on unbreakable friendships, there’s a tiny pang of… something. Not quite jealousy, not quite sadness, but a curiosity about a type of connection you’ve never really experienced.
You wonder if you’re broken, if you pushed people away without realizing it, or if you’re just wired differently than those who seem to collect best friends like some people collect stamps.
Final words
If these behaviors resonate with you, know that there’s nothing wrong with you. Some of us are just wired for a different kind of social experience.
The path without a best friend has taught me incredible self-reliance, emotional resilience, and the ability to find connection in various places rather than putting all my hopes in one person.
But it’s also okay to want that deeper connection. Being independent doesn’t mean you have to be alone. If you desire that best friend relationship, it’s never too late to cultivate it. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it, with someone who’s been on the periphery all along.
Until then, embrace the unique strengths your journey has given you. Not everyone needs to follow the same friendship blueprint to live a meaningful, connected life.
