Ever catch yourself looking in the mirror and wondering who that exhausted person is staring back at you?
I’ll confess something: last week, I stood there for a full minute trying to remember what I used to do for fun before kids. Not mom fun, not family fun, just… me fun. And I came up blank.
If you’ve been putting your kids first for years (or decades), you’ve probably forgotten some fundamental truths about yourself too.
Not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because somewhere between the first diaper change and the thousandth school pickup, pieces of who you are got buried under layers of lunch boxes and laundry.
1. You had dreams that had nothing to do with your children
Remember those? Maybe you wanted to write a novel, learn pottery, or backpack through Southeast Asia. Those dreams weren’t silly or selfish. They were yours, and they mattered.
I used to dream about opening a little herb shop downtown, complete with workshops on natural remedies and a cozy reading corner. That dream didn’t disappear when my kids arrived, but it got so quiet I forgot it was there.
When a friend recently mentioned she was taking an herbalism course, I felt this pang of recognition, like bumping into an old friend you haven’t seen in years.
Your pre-kid dreams aren’t expired. They’re just waiting.
2. Your body knows how to rest without feeling guilty
When was the last time you sat down without mentally running through tomorrow’s schedule? Or took a nap without setting an alarm? Your body remembers what real rest feels like, even if your brain has forgotten.
Before kids, you could spend a Sunday morning reading in bed until noon. Now? Even when the kids are at grandma’s, you’re meal prepping or catching up on laundry.
But here’s the thing: your nervous system still needs that deep, guilt-free rest. It’s not laziness. It’s human.
3. You’re allowed to have bad days that aren’t about parenting
Sometimes you’re cranky because work sucked, not because someone refused to eat their vegetables. Sometimes you’re sad about getting older or missing an old friend. These feelings are valid even when they have nothing to do with your kids.
We get so used to filtering everything through the parent lens that we forget we’re whole humans with a full range of experiences and emotions that exist independently of our children.
4. Your relationship existed before it became a co-parenting partnership
Matt and I met at a backyard BBQ eight years ago, bonding over our favorite hiking trails.
We used to spend entire Saturdays exploring new paths, talking about everything and nothing. Now our conversations revolve around who’s doing pickup and whether we remembered to sign the permission slip.
But underneath the logistics coordinator role, that person who made you laugh until your stomach hurt is still there. You’re still the couple who stayed up until 3 AM talking about life on your third date. That connection didn’t vanish; it just needs some excavation.
5. You have talents that have nothing to do with managing a household
Maybe you were brilliant at your job. Maybe you could paint or play guitar or make people laugh. These talents didn’t evaporate when you became a parent, even if you haven’t used them in years.
I transitioned from being an elementary school teacher to a freelance writer when I turned 30, but somewhere along the way, I stopped seeing my writing as a talent and started seeing it as just another task squeezed between naptime and dinner prep. Your talents deserve recognition, especially from yourself.
6. Your worth isn’t measured by your kids’ achievements
Their report cards aren’t your report cards. Their sports trophies aren’t your validation. When my daughter struggles with something at school, I have to remind myself that her challenges aren’t my failures.
You existed as a complete, worthy person before they arrived, and you’ll continue to exist as one long after they’ve grown. Your value isn’t tied to whether they make the honor roll or remember to say thank you without prompting.
7. You’re allowed to want things just for yourself
Not family vacations. Not educational toys. Not organic snacks. Things that are purely, selfishly yours. A leather jacket. A weekend workshop. A really expensive face cream.
Wanting things for yourself doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you a person who remembers they exist outside of their role as caregiver. These desires aren’t character flaws; they’re reminders that you’re still in there.
8. Your friendships can be about more than comparing parenting notes
Remember talking to friends about books, politics, that weird documentary you watched? Those conversations didn’t become less interesting just because you had kids. You don’t always have to discuss sleep schedules and school choices.
Some of my most refreshing moments come when a friend and I deliberately ban kid talk for an evening. We talk about podcasts, share work drama, debate whether that new restaurant is worth the hype. It feels like coming up for air.
9. You have a right to privacy and personal space
Before kids, your thoughts were your own. Your bathroom breaks were solo events. Your journal was private. These boundaries weren’t luxuries; they were basic human needs.
Even now, with a two-year-old who thinks closed doors are personal challenges and a five-year-old who wants to know what I’m thinking every moment, I deserve spaces that are mine alone. We all do.
10. Your identity is allowed to evolve beyond “mom” or “dad”
You’re not frozen in amber as the person you were when your first child was born. You’re allowed to develop new interests, change your mind about things, grow in directions that have nothing to do with parenting.
I wake at 6 AM for quiet coffee and intention setting, not because I’m trying to be a better mom, but because I’m trying to be a better me. The two aren’t always the same thing.
The path back to yourself
Here’s what I’m learning: remembering these truths doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you whole. Your kids don’t need a martyr; they need a full human being who models what it looks like to value yourself while caring for others.
Start small. What’s one truth from this list that hit you hardest? Sit with it. Maybe journal about it during that precious morning coffee or discuss it with your partner after bedtime.
You don’t have to choose between being a good parent and being yourself. The two can coexist, even if it takes some practice to remember how. After all, the person your kids love most in the world deserves to be loved by you too.
