You know that moment when your adult child actually chooses to call you, not because they need something, but just to chat? Last week, my younger son called me out of the blue to share a funny story about his toddler. We laughed together for twenty minutes, and after we hung up, I sat there thinking about how different things are now compared to just five years ago.
Back then, our conversations felt forced, almost like obligatory check-ins. These days? Both my sons, now in their thirties with families of their own, genuinely seem to enjoy spending time with me. And honestly, it took some serious work on my part to get here.
I’ve been reflecting on what changed, and I’ve noticed certain habits that seem to make all the difference. If you’re wondering why some parents have adult children who actually want to hang out with them while others struggle to get a text back, these eight habits might hold the answer.
1. They ask questions instead of offering opinions
This was a game-changer for me. I used to have opinions about everything: my sons’ career choices, their parenting styles, even how they loaded their dishwashers. Then my younger son told me something that stung but needed to be said. He said my constant advice felt like criticism, like nothing he did was quite good enough.
That conversation knocked me sideways, but it also opened my eyes. Now, when my sons share something with me, I ask questions instead of jumping in with solutions. “How do you feel about that?” or “What are you thinking of doing?” replaced “You should really consider…”
The shift has been remarkable. They talk to me more now, share more of their real lives, because they know I’m not waiting to pounce with my two cents. Sometimes being genuinely curious about your adult child’s perspective is worth more than all the wisdom you think you have to offer.
2. They respect boundaries without taking it personally
Here’s something that took me years to understand: when your adult child sets a boundary, it’s not rejection. It’s them being healthy adults who know what they need.
One of my sons calls weekly, the other texts occasionally. Early on, I’d worry about the one who texted less, wondering if I’d done something wrong. But I’ve learned to accept both relationships on their own terms. Some adult children need more space, others want more connection, and both are perfectly okay.
When they say they can’t make it to Sunday dinner or need to skip a family event, I’ve learned to say, “No problem, we’ll miss you!” instead of laying on the guilt. Respecting their choices without drama has actually brought us closer. Who would have thought?
3. They create new adult friendships with their children
Remember when your kids were little and you were the authority on everything? Well, that dynamic has to shift if you want a real relationship with your adult children.
I’ve discovered that the best moments with my sons now happen when we’re just two adults enjoying each other’s company. We watch sports together, share books we’ve enjoyed, debate politics (carefully!), and swap stories about work challenges. I’m not trying to parent them anymore; I’m trying to know them as the interesting adults they’ve become.
This doesn’t mean you stop being their parent, but it does mean adding friend to your job description. And let me tell you, getting to know your children as adults? It’s one of the unexpected joys of this stage of life.
4. They own their mistakes and apologize specifically
This one was tough for me. Really tough. But apologizing to your adult children for specific things you got wrong? It opens doors that staying defensive keeps locked forever.
I sat down with each of my sons separately a few years back and acknowledged specific ways I’d messed up when they were growing up. Not vague “I did my best” apologies, but real ones. “I’m sorry I missed so many of your games because of work. I see now how that hurt you.”
The conversations that followed were some of the most honest we’ve ever had. They shared how certain things affected them, and I listened without defending myself. It was uncomfortable, sure, but it cleared the air in a way that years of pretending everything was fine never could have.
5. They show genuine interest in their children’s actual lives
How many parents ask their adult children “How’s work?” and then zone out during the answer? I used to be guilty of this, asking questions out of habit rather than genuine interest.
Now I make an effort to really understand what my sons’ lives are like. I remember their colleagues’ names, follow up on projects they mentioned, ask about their friends. When one son mentioned he was getting into photography, I didn’t just nod and move on. I asked to see his photos, learned about different techniques, even sent him articles about photographers I came across.
Showing genuine curiosity about who they are now, not who they were at sixteen, makes such a difference.
6. They keep their own lives interesting and full
Nobody wants to be their parent’s entire social life and source of entertainment. I’ve noticed that parents whose adult children enjoy their company tend to have their own things going on.
I write, I walk my neighborhood park, I have poker nights with friends, I’m learning to cook Thai food (badly, but enthusiastically). When I talk to my sons, I have my own stories to share, not just questions about their lives.
Having your own interests also means you’re not sitting around waiting for them to call or visit. You’re genuinely busy living your own life, which paradoxically makes you more interesting to be around.
7. They embrace their children’s partners as family
Want to push your adult child away? Make their spouse or partner feel unwelcome or constantly compared to some impossible standard.
Both my daughters-in-law are wonderful women who make my sons happy. Are they exactly who I might have pictured? Does it matter? What matters is that I’ve made a real effort to know them as individuals, to make them feel genuinely welcomed, to never put my sons in the position of choosing between us.
I text them directly sometimes, remember their birthdays, ask about their families. They’re not just my sons’ wives; they’re family now. And treating them that way has strengthened my relationship with my sons immeasurably.
8. They give space while staying available
Here’s the delicate balance: being available when needed without hovering or intruding. I don’t call constantly or drop by unannounced, but my sons know I’m here if they need me.
Sometimes weeks go by without much contact, and that’s okay. Then suddenly one of them needs to talk through a problem or wants company for a doctor’s appointment, and I’m there. No guilt trips about the quiet weeks, no “I never hear from you anymore.” Just presence when it counts.
Closing thoughts
Building a friendship with your adult children while still being their parent is an art form, and I’m still learning. Some days I slip back into old patterns, catching myself mid-advice or feeling hurt when they’re too busy to call back.
But here’s what I’ve discovered: the relationship you can have with your adult children, if you’re willing to evolve, can be even richer than what came before. You get to see the full flowering of these people you raised, to enjoy them as the complex, interesting adults they’ve become.
So let me ask you this: what’s one habit you could start changing today to strengthen your relationship with your adult children?
