Let’s face it—parenting adult children is a whole different ballgame. The days of scraped knees, school projects, and driving lessons might be behind us, but the emotional ties? Those only grow deeper.
And here’s the thing I’ve noticed—many of us still try to parent the same way we did when our kids were little.
We offer advice when it’s not asked for, we try to solve problems that aren’t ours to fix, and sometimes (without realizing it) we push our grown children away with the best of intentions.
But what if we flipped the script a little? What if instead of trying to parent the same old way, we paused and asked ourselves: What do they need from us now?
In my chats with fellow parents—and through some of my own missteps—I’ve picked up a few patterns.
These aren’t grand gestures or complicated plans. They’re simple things. But they matter more than we realize.
Let’s dive in.
1. Really listen without trying to fix everything
It’s a classic parent reflex. The moment our child shares a problem, our minds race to find solutions. But here’s the catch: adult children usually aren’t looking for answers. They want to feel heard.
I’ve made this mistake myself. My daughter once opened up about a stressful work situation, and before she’d even finished talking, I was halfway into offering “solutions.” She gently stopped me and said, “Dad, I just needed to vent.”
Oof. That hit me.
Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is simply be there. Nod. Listen. Ask, “Do you want advice or just a listening ear?” It shows respect—and maturity on our part.
As psychologist Jonice Webb puts it, “Many adults love their parents but do not feel emotionally close to them.” Listening—really listening—is how we rebuild that closeness.
2. Respect their boundaries (even when we don’t understand them)
This one can be hard. Our kids might set boundaries we didn’t expect—about how often they want to talk, what they’re comfortable sharing, or how they want to raise their own kids.
But here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t rejection. They’re relationship savers.
As parent coach and psychologist Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein explains, “Respecting the boundaries and autonomy of adult children is essential for fostering mutual respect and trust.”
If your child says, “I’d prefer not to talk about that,” or “I need a little space right now,” honor it. You don’t have to agree to respect it.
Boundaries aren’t walls—they’re bridges built with care and communication.
3. Offer encouragement, not constant evaluation
When kids are younger, praise and feedback come naturally. But when they grow up, it’s tempting to swap encouragement for judgment—often without meaning to.
I once asked my son why he hadn’t pursued a promotion I thought he’d be perfect for. His response? “Every time I share something, it feels like you’re grading me.”
That was a tough pill to swallow.
Adult children want our encouragement, but not our constant commentary. “I’m proud of you” or “You handled that well” goes a long way. So does simply saying, “You’ve got this,” even when we’re worried.
They don’t need cheerleaders with clipboards. They just need to know we believe in them.
4. Let them come to us for advice (not the other way around)
I’ll be honest—I love giving advice. It comes from a good place. But I’ve learned (the hard way) that unsolicited advice can feel more like criticism than support.
If your child is wrestling with a decision—whether it’s about work, parenting, or relationships—pause before jumping in. Ask, “Do you want my take on this?” or “Would it help to talk it through?”
Giving advice only when it’s asked for shows trust. It says, I believe you’re capable of figuring this out, but I’m here if you need me.
This is backed up by experts too. Dr. Bernstein has noted that “Parents who frequently criticize or dismiss their adult child’s feelings or achievements can inflict emotional harm, causing them to feel inadequate and unvalued.”
It’s not about biting your tongue. It’s about offering support without overstepping.
5. Express affection—out loud
When kids are little, we say “I love you” all the time. But as they grow up, those expressions sometimes taper off. We assume they know how we feel.
But hearing it still matters.
A simple “I’m proud of you,” or “I love the person you’ve become,” can carry more weight than you realize. You’re not just affirming who they are—you’re reinforcing your bond.
And don’t underestimate the power of physical affection, too. A hug. A hand on the shoulder. These things don’t stop mattering just because someone turns 30.
Trust me: no one ever gets too old to feel loved.
6. Let go of old expectations
Our grown kids aren’t versions of us. They’re their own people—with their own timelines, preferences, and dreams.
Maybe you imagined they’d be married by now. Or living closer. Or choosing a different career. I’ve had those thoughts myself.
But holding too tightly to outdated expectations only creates distance. Letting go, on the other hand, opens space for deeper connection.
Your role as a parent evolves. You’re no longer the architect of their life. You’re the companion walking alongside it.
Let them surprise you. Let them grow in directions you didn’t anticipate. That’s where the beauty lies.
7. Apologize when you get it wrong
We’re all human. And yes, even parents mess up. The difference is, adult children appreciate it when we admit it.
I remember losing my temper over something minor—just a misunderstanding, really—and calling my daughter to apologize. Her voice softened immediately. “Thanks, Dad. That means a lot.”
You don’t lose authority by admitting fault. You gain respect.
And it’s never too late to make amends for past missteps, either. A simple, “I know I didn’t always get things right back then—and I’m sorry,” can heal wounds you didn’t even know were still open.
8. Stay curious about who they’re becoming
Your child is not a finished product—and neither are you. One of the most beautiful things about parenting adults is that you get to rediscover who they are over and over again.
Ask questions about their passions. Their work. Their friendships. Don’t just ask what they’re doing—ask how they’re feeling.
It shows you care about the full person they are—not just the role they play in your life.
Fostering emotional connection in adulthood is built on curiosity, openness, and respect. Without it, we risk drifting into silence.
And when we show genuine interest, we signal: I see you. I value who you are now. And I’m proud to keep growing with you.
A few final thoughts
Being a parent to grown children isn’t about control—it’s about connection. It’s about shifting from manager to mentor, from disciplinarian to ally.
And the good news? It’s never too late to make changes.
Start small. Ask more. Judge less. Listen better.
These little shifts can have a huge impact.
So here’s the question I’ll leave you with today: What’s one thing you can do this week to show your adult child you’re on their side—not just as a parent, but as a partner in their life?
