Last week, I was pushing my two little ones on the swings at the park when I overheard two adults nearby, clearly siblings.
They were laughing so hard they could barely catch their breath. They were recounting some childhood memory about getting caught sneaking cookies, finishing each other’s sentences and playfully shoving each other like they were still kids.
It made me smile, but it also made me think. My own siblings and I? We text on birthdays and see each other at holidays, but that easy closeness those two had? That’s not us.
And honestly, watching them made me wonder what creates that kind of lifelong bond between siblings.
After talking with friends who have that enviable sibling closeness (and diving into some research), I’ve noticed patterns in what they experienced growing up.
If you’re curious about what builds those unbreakable sibling bonds, or maybe hoping to foster them in your own kids – here’s what I’ve learned.
1. Their parents didn’t constantly compare them
Remember that feeling when your report card came home and the first thing you heard was how your sibling did better? Yeah, that stings. And it sticks.
Growing up as the middle child, I watched this play out in our house. My older brother was “the smart one,” I was “the helpful one,” and my younger sister was “the creative one.”
Those labels seemed harmless enough, but they created invisible walls between us. We weren’t teammates; we were competitors for different titles.
The siblings I know who stayed close? Their parents celebrated each kid’s wins without making it about the others.
One friend told me her mom would literally cover the other kids’ names on report cards before looking at each one individually.
No “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Just “Look what YOU accomplished!”
When kids aren’t pitted against each other for parental approval, they’re free to actually root for each other. Revolutionary concept, right?
2. They were encouraged to solve conflicts together
Here’s something I’m trying hard to do differently with my own kids: letting them work things out between themselves (within reason, of course).
Growing up, when my siblings and I fought, our parents would swoop in immediately. Someone was right, someone was wrong, case closed.
But that meant we never learned to navigate disagreements together. We just learned to run to Mom or Dad.
The close sibling pairs I know? Their parents gave them space to figure things out.
One friend recalls her dad saying, “You two need to find a solution that works for both of you. Come tell me when you’ve figured it out.”
Were there tears? Absolutely. But they learned to compromise, to see each other’s perspectives, to problem-solve as a team.
Now when my five-year-old and two-year-old squabble over toys, I try to step back (unless someone’s about to get hurt).
“How can we solve this together?” has become my new favorite phrase.
3. They had shared responsibilities that required teamwork
Think about it: when did you feel closest to someone? Probably when you were working together toward something, right?
Siblings who stay close often had regular responsibilities that required cooperation. Maybe they shared pet care duties, worked together in the family garden, or tag-teamed household chores.
The key wasn’t just having chores, it was having to collaborate to get them done.
I see this with my own kids now. When they work together to set the table (one puts out plates, one does napkins), there’s this little spark of partnership.
They’re accomplishing something together, and that builds connection in ways that parallel play never could.
4. Family traditions included everyone equally
You know those families where every tradition somehow revolves around one kid’s interests or schedule? That’s a recipe for resentment soup.
Close siblings often describe family traditions where everyone had a role, everyone’s preferences mattered.
Maybe Tuesday was one kid’s night to pick dinner, Wednesday was another’s. Or each child got to plan one family outing per month.
Growing up, our family ate together nightly, which was wonderful, but looking back, conversations usually centered around my brother’s debate team or my sister’s art projects.
I was there, but not really seen. Now I make sure both my kids get their moment at dinner even if my two-year-old’s “news” is mostly about the bug he saw.
5. They were given space to be individuals
This might sound contradictory, but hear me out: siblings who stay close were often encouraged to develop their own identities and friendships outside the family unit.
When kids are allowed to be themselves, not just “so-and-so’s sister”, they bring more to the sibling relationship. They have their own stories, their own interests, their own friends to share about.
The relationship becomes richer because each person is whole on their own.
I learned this the hard way. Being the middle child meant I was always “the brother’s sister” or “the sister’s sister” at school.
The friends I have who stayed close to their siblings? They had their own activities, their own friend groups.
They chose to spend time together rather than being forced into constant togetherness.
6. They witnessed their parents handling conflict respectfully
Kids are always watching, aren’t they? How parents handle disagreements becomes the blueprint for how siblings treat each other.
“Children learn ways of coping with emotions by watching how their parents do this, and by watching how the parent responds to their child’s own emotions,” explains Ailsa Lord, Child & Adolescent Counselling Psychologist.
This observational learning shapes everything from how they express anger to how they repair relationships after a fight.
The adult siblings I know who are still close saw their parents disagree respectfully. Not perfectly (nobody’s perfect) but respectfully.
They learned that you can be mad at someone and still love them, that conflicts can be resolved without cruelty.
In my childhood home, conflicts stayed surface-level. We didn’t see healthy disagreement modeled, so we didn’t learn it.
Now, when my husband and I disagree (and we do), we try to show our kids that working through conflict is normal and doesn’t mean love goes away.
7. They have shared memories of facing challenges together
There’s something powerful about going through hard stuff together.
Siblings who stay close often have stories of banding together during tough times – whether that was dealing with a grandparent’s illness, a family move, or even just surviving a particularly strict babysitter.
These shared challenges create an “us against the world” feeling.
Instead of competing for resources during hard times, they learned to pool them. They became each other’s safe harbor in storms.
8. Physical affection was normalized between siblings
This one surprised me, but it keeps coming up: families where sibling hugs, high-fives, and casual physical affection were normal tend to produce adults who stay close.
Not forced affection—never forced—but normalized. Where an older sibling throwing an arm around a younger one’s shoulder was common. Where celebratory hugs between siblings were as natural as breathing.
Growing up, we weren’t particularly physically affectionate as siblings. Now I encourage my kids to hug each other goodnight (if they want to), to hold hands when we cross streets, to cuddle during story time. These small touches build connection in ways words sometimes can’t.
The bottom line
Watching those siblings at the park reminded me that the relationship between brothers and sisters doesn’t have to fade with age.
The patterns that create lifelong closeness are surprisingly simple: respect for individuality, opportunities for teamwork, fair treatment, and the space to be both separate and together.
As I create a different family culture with more emotional openness than I experienced, I’m hopeful.
Maybe thirty years from now, my kids will be those adults at the park, laughing until they can’t breathe, finishing each other’s sentences, still choosing to be in each other’s lives.
What patterns have you noticed in families with close siblings?
I’d love to hear what’s worked in your family or what you wish had been different in your own childhood.
