We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t. Sometimes it’s a snap comment when we’re tired. Other times, it’s just a habit that slips out without us realizing how it lands.
The truth is, certain phrases can chip away at the way others see us—not in a dramatic, “friendship-ending” way, but in those subtle moments where respect quietly fades.
I’ve noticed this in parenting circles, at playdates, even with my own kids. Words carry energy. And some of them, though common, send signals that we don’t mean to send.
Let’s walk through eight phrases that can have this effect—and more importantly, what we can say instead.
1. “That’s just how I am”
Ever heard this one? Maybe you’ve even used it yourself.
It sounds like a shield, doesn’t it? But what people really hear is: I’m not willing to grow.
When I catch myself wanting to say this, I remember that my children are watching. If they see me shrug off my shortcomings instead of working on them, what lesson does that teach?
Respect grows when we own our flaws while showing a willingness to improve.
2. “You always…” or “You never…”
Blanket statements like this rarely reflect the whole truth. But in the heat of frustration, they’re easy to reach for.
When I blurt out “You always leave your socks on the floor,” Matt gives me that look that says, Really? Always? He knows it’s not fair. And he’s right.
As psychologist John Gottman has noted in his research on relationships, sweeping generalizations like these escalate conflict and shut down communication. They don’t build respect—they erode it.
A softer approach is to focus on the specific behavior: “I’d really appreciate it if you’d put your socks in the basket.” It shifts the tone completely.
3. “Calm down”
Few things spark the opposite reaction faster than this phrase.
I’ve made the mistake of saying it to Ellie when she’s mid-meltdown. She doesn’t calm down—she feels dismissed. Adults are no different.
Respect grows when people feel heard. Instead of “Calm down,” try reflecting back what you see: “You’re really upset right now. Want to talk it through?” It validates the emotion rather than shutting it down.
4. “It’s not a big deal”
This one sneaks out when we’re trying to help. But minimizing someone’s feelings never builds connection.
I once told a friend this after she was stressing about her child’s sleep regression. I meant to reassure her, but I could tell it landed wrong. To her, it was a big deal—and I’d brushed it aside.
As Rudá Iandê writes in his new book, Laughing in the Face of Chaos:
“Our emotions are not some kind of extraneous or unnecessary appendage to our lives, but rather an integral part of who we are and how we make sense of the world around us.”
That hit home for me. The book reminded me to treat emotions—mine and others’—as valuable messengers, not inconveniences to be silenced.
5. “Sorry, but…”
Apologies followed by a “but” cancel themselves out.
“Sorry, but you’re too sensitive.”
“Sorry, but I didn’t mean it that way.”
It shifts the blame instead of taking responsibility. I’ve noticed that when I give a clean, simple “I’m sorry,” the respect in the room stays intact. When I tack on an excuse, it crumbles.
It takes humility to stop at the period. But that’s where genuine respect grows.
6. “Whatever”
This one carries more sting than we realize.
It’s dismissive. It signals disengagement. Even when tossed off playfully, it can feel like a wall slamming down.
I’ll admit, I used it with Matt once in an argument when I was too tired to keep going. His face said everything—hurt, frustration, disappointment.
It wasn’t about the fight anymore. It was about respect.
Now, I try to replace “Whatever” with “I need a break, let’s come back to this.” Same need for space, but without the sting.
7. “At least…”
This one looks like positivity on the surface. But it often dismisses pain.
“At least you still have your job.”
“At least it wasn’t worse.”
I remember saying this to another mom after she shared about her postpartum struggles. She smiled politely, but I could tell I’d missed the mark.
As Brené Brown has explained in her work, empathy rarely begins with “at least.”
True connection begins with simply acknowledging: “That sounds so hard.” Respect deepens when people feel truly seen in their struggle.
8. “I don’t care”
This phrase might be honest in some situations, but it almost always lands harshly.
When Ellie proudly shows me a drawing of yet another unicorn, imagine if I responded, “I don’t care.” It would crush her. Adults may not cry on the spot, but the wound is real.
Even if you don’t care much about the topic, you can care about the person sharing it. Saying, “That’s not really my thing, but I love that it excites you,” shows respect for their enthusiasm while staying authentic.
Final thoughts
Words are powerful. They can build bridges—or they can slowly chip away at respect without us realizing it.
I don’t share these phrases from a place of perfection. I’ve said all of them at one time or another.
But I’ve learned that respect is built in the everyday moments, in the way we choose our words when emotions run high.
And when I slip, I try to come back to the reminder I found in Rudá Iandê’s book: “When we let go of the need to be perfect, we free ourselves to live fully—embracing the mess, complexity, and richness of a life that’s delightfully real.”
That’s the heart of it, isn’t it? Respect isn’t about polished perfection. It’s about showing up real, listening well, and choosing words that honor the humanity in others.
What about you—do you notice certain phrases that drain respect in your relationships? And which ones do you want to let go of for good?
