Some of what Boomers did as parents made their kids sturdy—walk yourself to school, fix what you can, call your grandmother.
Some of it?
It left splinters that their adult children are still digging out with tweezers.
I say this with love. I’m a Boomer in my sixties. I raised kids, and now I’m watching my friends’ grown children sort through what we thought was normal.
Here are ten habits many of us Boomers considered standard issue that our adult kids still wrestle with—and a gentler way forward for both generations.
1. “Because I said so” as a default setting
Authoritarian was the water a lot of us swam in. The household ran on top-down orders and quick compliance. Efficient? Sometimes. Costly? Often. Our kids learned that questions were dangerous and that clarity was scarce.
As adults, they struggle to advocate at work, ask doctors for context, or push back in relationships without feeling like insubordinate children.
A kinder edit is to offer one clean reason when you can: “No late drive tonight; roads are icy.” And if you’re the adult child, try the middle lane we never taught you: “I’ll do it—can you give me the why so I can do it well?”
Respect plus rationale lowers everyone’s blood pressure.
2. Feelings were “managed,” not welcomed
Many of us heard, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” “You’re fine,” or the subtler cousin, “Be tough.” We meant resilience. Our kids learned suppression. Now they flinch at their own emotions, apologize for tears, and need permission to feel simple sadness.
Repair looks like dignity for feelings without drama. Boomer parents: try, “You sound hurt. Want to talk or just sit?” Adult kids: practice the sentence we never gave you—“I’m feeling ____; I don’t need a fix, just a listener.” That sentence alone can unstick a decade.
3. Privacy was optional in the family
Bedrooms were open territory. Diaries were “for your own good.” Phone calls happened on a shared line with a hovering parent a hallway away. Even now, I know Boomers who knock while opening the door.
Adult kids who grew up this way fight to trust that boundaries won’t get bulldozed. They over-explain “why” they need space because “no” never worked.
New habit: request before entering—physical rooms, emotional rooms, digital spaces. “Is this a good time?” is not modern preciousness; it’s basic respect. And if you’re the grown child, you’re allowed to make the boundary short: “No drop-ins. Text first.”
4. Teasing was love (until it wasn’t)
We called it “kidding around.” Nicknames about bodies, intelligence, habits—nothing was off-limits. The joke was the point; objections made you “too sensitive.” That banter bonded us and bruised us.
Adult kids still brace for mockery when they share something earnest. They pre-defuse with sarcasm. Boomer parents can retire a few “classics” and swap in curiosity: “Tell me more about the new plan.”
Adult kids can flag the line without a courtroom: “Jokes aside, this matters to me.” If a joke requires someone to swallow themselves, it wasn’t a joke—it was a hijack.
5. Comparison as motivation
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” “The neighbor’s kid made varsity.” It sounded like standards; it felt like erasure. Many adult children now live with an inner judge who measures every win against an imaginary cousin.
Drop the leaderboard. Praise specifically and inwardly: “I noticed how patient you were with your kid,” not “You’re the best parent.”
If you’re the adult kid, replace sideways comparison with longitudinal: “Am I kinder/steadier than last year?” That’s the only opponent worth beating.
6. Love looked like fixing (not listening)
Boomer parents often “solved” before they “saw.” You brought a problem; we opened the toolbox. Helpful sometimes, suffocating others. Adult kids learned that their job was to bring digestible facts, not messy feelings.
New script, Boomer edition: “Do you want help or company?” If they say “company,” clamp the wrench. Adult kid script: “I’m venting, not asking you to fix it.” Everyone’s shoulders drop.
7. Work first, life later (and later never came)
We were told to grind now, enjoy later. Later kept moving. Many of us missed recitals because “that’s how you keep a roof.” Our kids heard the sermon and now struggle to rest without guilt. They turn hobbies into side hustles. They apologize for Sundays.
If you’re the Boomer, model the late-life correction: “I’m leaving early for the concert; I’ll finish the email tomorrow.” If you’re the adult child, schedule one joy that isn’t monetized. People who saw a parent worn thin need proof that “enough” is real.
8. Food, bodies, and the scale as dinner table topics
We narrated each other’s plates and weights like sportscasters. “Do you really need seconds?” “You look so skinny!” “Beach body by June!” It was the culture—and it colonized our kitchens.
Now grown, our kids wrestle with shame around food and bodies. Boomer parents, let’s retire commentary on bodies entirely.
Compliment energy, mood, presence: “You look rested,” “Love that color on you.” Adult kids, you’re allowed to say, “No body talk around me,” and stand up mid-meal to reset the room if needed.
9. Therapy and mental health were stigmatized
If you needed help, you kept it quiet or you “toughed it out.” Depression was “a slump.” Anxiety was “nerves.” Many adult kids delayed care, thinking struggle meant personal failure.
A modern kindness: normalize help like you normalize dental cleanings. Boomers can say, “If I were parenting today, I’d have started therapy at 40. I’m open to it now.”
Adult kids can invite without evangelizing: “This helped me; I’m happy to share if you ever want.” Stigma shrinks when someone you love goes first.
10. Adult children weren’t treated as adults
Milestones came with scripts: marriage by X, babies by Y, house by Z. Drop-ins were “family” not “intrusion.” Advice arrived as orders. When kids became adults, some Boomers struggled to update the file.
The result? Grown kids who contort to avoid disappointing, or go low-contact to protect their lives. A better stance is “consultant, not CEO.” Ask: “Do you want thoughts or cheers?”
Respect their no. If you’re the adult kid, lead your life out loud and early: “We’re not doing Christmas travel this year. We can host in February.” Clarity beats resentment.
A small story from the park
A few months back, I watched a Boomer dad and his thirty-something son argue near the tennis courts. The father kept saying, “You’re not thinking this through,” and the son finally blurted, “I am—just not your way.” They stood there, breathing like boxers.
Then the dad did something small and brilliant. He said, “Tell me your way in two minutes. I’ll listen, then ask two questions, not twenty.” The son laid out a plan with both feet on the ground. The father asked two decent questions. They walked a lap together. Nobody “won.” The day did.
That’s the move I wish more of us Boomers would practice: update the role, keep the love.
If you’re a Boomer parent noticing yourself here
First, no self-flagellation. Most of us did the best we could with the tools and culture we had. Second, try one practical change at a time:
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Swap “Because I said so” for a one-sentence why.
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Ask “Help or company?” before fixing.
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Lead with “Is this a good time?” before calling.
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Ban body talk at your table.
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Practice the consultant stance: “Two ideas if you want them; happy to just listen.”
When you miss (you will), repair: “I slipped into old habits. I’m learning.”
If you’re the adult child still untangling
You’re allowed to set boundaries without a courtroom speech. Try short and clear:
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“No surprise visits—text first.”
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“I’m not discussing my weight.”
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“I can’t take advice on this right now; I’ll ask if I want it.”
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“That joke lands hard for me. Let’s retire it.”
And when you get what you asked for, say so. Positive reinforcement teaches faster than conflict.
Why these “normal” habits stick so stubbornly
They worked—for someone. Authoritarian homes keep schedules. Teasing eases tension. Fixing feels helpful. Work-first pays bills. But every shortcut has a long cost. Our adult kids are paying those costs now in therapy rooms, HR offices, and kitchens with quieter conversations.
The good news? Families can update their operating systems without blowing up the house. It starts with noticing the pattern, not prosecuting the person.
The short version you can keep handy
“Because I said so,” feelings as liabilities, privacy invasions, love-as-teasing, comparison, fixing not listening, work-first always, body/food commentary, therapy stigma, and not recognizing adult kids as adults—those were Boomer-normal. Their grown children still carry the side effects.
The fix isn’t shame; it’s small, repeated upgrades. Ask instead of order. Listen before helping. Retire the joke that cuts. Praise specifics. Protect boundaries. Normalize care. Update the role.
If you’re a Boomer, what one habit can you soften this week? If you’re the adult kid, what boundary can you set kindly and keep? That’s how families get better—one edited sentence, one honored “no,” one lap around the park where both of you feel like you belong.
