You know that feeling when your phone rings and you see it’s your adult child calling just to chat? Not because they need something, not because it’s a holiday, but because they genuinely miss talking to you? Some parents get those calls all the time. Others wonder why their kids only visit on Mother’s Day and Christmas, checking their watches the whole time.
The difference isn’t luck. It’s not about having “good kids” versus “ungrateful ones.” After watching my own parents slowly win over their skeptical hearts about my “hippie parenting” style, and seeing how differently my kids already connect with them compared to how I did at their age, I’ve noticed patterns. The parents whose adult children genuinely want to spend time with them do specific things every single day that create a magnetic pull rather than a sense of duty.
Here’s what I’ve learned from both sides of this equation.
1. They remember their kids are whole people, not extensions of themselves
Last week, my five-year-old came home covered head to toe in mud, clutching a jar of worms she’d “rescued” from a puddle. My first instinct? Honestly, to worry about the mess. But then I caught myself and asked her to tell me more about her worm hospital instead.
Amazing parents treat their kids like fascinating individuals from day one. They ask genuine questions about their interests, even when those interests make zero sense to them. They don’t try to mold their children into mini versions of themselves or live vicariously through their achievements.
When your adult child knows you see them as a complete person with valid thoughts, feelings, and choices (even the ones you wouldn’t make), they actually want to share their life with you. They call because they know you’ll be curious about their new hobby or job challenge, not because you’ll immediately tell them what they should do differently.
2. They own their mistakes without making excuses
My mom recently apologized for something she said when I was twelve. Twelve! I barely remembered it, but she’d been thinking about it and wanted to clear the air. That moment shifted something between us.
Parents who maintain close relationships with their adult children don’t pretend they were perfect. They acknowledge when they messed up, even years later. They don’t follow apologies with “but you have to understand I was stressed” or “well, you weren’t exactly easy either.”
This isn’t about self-flagellation or constantly bringing up the past. It’s about modeling what real accountability looks like. When kids grow up seeing their parents take responsibility for their actions, they learn it’s safe to be imperfect around them. Nobody wants to visit someone who makes them feel like they need to perform or pretend.
3. They stay curious instead of judgmental
“Tell me more about that.” These four words have completely changed how I parent. When my two-year-old announces he’s building a fort for dragons, or when my daughter insists leaves need to be sorted by how they smell, I lean in with curiosity instead of correction.
Parents whose adult children seek them out have mastered the art of curiosity over judgment. When their kid dates someone unexpected, chooses an unconventional career, or makes different parenting choices, they ask questions to understand rather than immediately offering opinions.
Think about it: do you want to spend time with people who constantly evaluate your choices, or with those who find your life genuinely interesting?
4. They create new traditions that work for everyone
My family used to insist on formal Sunday dinners that stressed everyone out. Now? We do “messy Wednesdays” where we eat with our hands and nobody worries about manners. My parents were skeptical at first, but now my dad shows up with the messiest foods he can find.
Amazing parents evolve traditions as their family changes. They don’t cling to “how we’ve always done things” when those things clearly aren’t working anymore. They collaborate with their adult children to create new rituals that everyone actually enjoys.
This flexibility shows respect for everyone’s time and preferences. It says: our relationship matters more than maintaining some perfect image of family traditions.
5. They share their own struggles appropriately
Growing up, I thought my parents never worried about anything. They seemed to have it all figured out. Now, as I navigate parenthood myself, I realize how lonely that must have been for them, and how impossible it made them seem to me.
Parents who maintain close relationships with adult children share their humanity. They talk about their fears, mistakes, and ongoing challenges in age-appropriate ways. Not dumping their problems on their kids or making them emotional caretakers, but showing that everyone struggles sometimes.
When my daughter sees me take deep breaths during a frustrating moment, or hears me say “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need a minute,” she’s learning that emotions are normal and manageable. She’s also learning that I’m a real person, not some superhuman parent figure she could never relate to.
6. They respect boundaries without taking them personally
“I’m listening” has become my go-to response when my kids express any boundary, even tiny ones like “I don’t want to hug right now.” It’s practice for bigger boundaries later.
Parents whose adult children choose to visit understand that boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re just information about what someone needs to feel safe and comfortable. These parents don’t guilt trip about less frequent visits or different holiday arrangements. They don’t take it personally when their adult child needs space or does things differently.
Instead, they express gratitude for the time they do get and make those moments count. They focus on quality over quantity, creating experiences their children want to repeat rather than obligations they dread.
7. They keep growing and learning themselves
My mother started taking pottery classes at 65. My dad learned to text with emojis at 70. They’re not trying to be young; they’re just staying engaged with life and learning. This makes them interesting people to be around, not just parents to visit.
Parents who maintain vibrant relationships with their adult children don’t stop developing once their kids leave home. They pursue their own interests, maintain their own friendships, and continue challenging themselves. They have stories to share that aren’t about the past or about their children’s achievements.
They model what lifelong growth looks like, making every visit an opportunity to discover something new about each other.
Creating a different family culture
Building these habits isn’t about being perfect. I mess up daily. Sometimes I catch myself trying to control instead of connect, or judging instead of understanding. But each time I course-correct, I’m creating a different family culture than the one I grew up in. One with more emotional openness, more genuine curiosity, and more room for everyone to be themselves.
The beautiful thing? It’s never too late to start. My own parents are proof of that, slowly incorporating these practices and watching our relationship transform. Every small change, every moment of genuine connection, every respectful boundary adds up.
Our children don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are real, who are growing, and who see them as the fascinating individuals they are. Do that consistently, and you won’t have to guilt them into visiting. They’ll be calling to plan the next get-together before the current one ends.
