There’s a moment every parent knows. Your child comes to you with wide eyes and a trembling voice, worried about something that seems small to you but feels enormous to them. Maybe it’s a thunderstorm. Maybe it’s starting at a new school. Maybe it’s something they can’t even put into words.
Your first instinct is to say, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine.” And honestly, that’s a beautiful instinct. It comes from love.
But here’s what I’ve learned after raising my own children and now watching my grandchildren navigate their own worries: reassurance alone rarely sticks. It’s like putting a plaster on a wound that needs stitches. The comfort fades quickly, and the anxiety returns, sometimes stronger than before.
What anxious children actually need is a toolkit of support that goes beyond words of comfort. They need us to help them build the internal resources to face their fears. So let’s talk about nine forms of support that can make a real difference.
1) Validation before solutions
Before you do anything else, let your child know that what they’re feeling makes sense. This is different from agreeing that their fears are realistic. You’re not saying the monster under the bed is real. You’re saying, “I can see you’re really scared right now, and that’s okay.”
Why does this matter so much? Because when we jump straight to reassurance or problem-solving, children often feel dismissed. They hear, “Your feelings are wrong.” And that can make them feel even more alone with their worry.
Try sitting with them for a moment. Get down to their level. Say something like, “That sounds really hard” or “I’d feel worried too if I thought that.”
Research from the Gottman Institute shows that this kind of emotional validation helps children feel understood and actually calms their nervous system faster than reassurance does. Once they feel heard, they’re far more open to whatever comes next.
2) A calm presence, not a panicked one
Children are remarkably good at reading our emotional states. If your child tells you they’re anxious and you respond with visible alarm or rush to fix things frantically, you’ve just confirmed their suspicion that something is indeed very wrong.
This doesn’t mean you need to be emotionless. Far from it. But there’s a steadiness that anxious children need from us. Think of yourself as an anchor. When the seas get rough, you stay put.
I remember my grandson once getting himself worked up about a doctor’s appointment. My daughter, bless her, was clearly worried about his worry. But when I sat with him and just breathed slowly, talked in an even tone, and acted like this was all perfectly manageable, he started to settle.
Children borrow our calm when they can’t find their own. So take a breath before you respond. Your nervous system speaks louder than your words.
3) Help them name what they’re feeling
Anxiety in children often shows up as physical symptoms or behaviors rather than clearly stated worries. A stomachache before school. Clinginess at bedtime. Sudden tears over something minor. They don’t always have the vocabulary to say, “I’m feeling anxious about whether my friends will play with me tomorrow.”
You can help by offering words. “I wonder if you might be feeling nervous about the party?” or “Sometimes when I have a lot on my mind, my tummy feels funny too.”
This isn’t putting words in their mouth. It’s giving them a language for their inner world.
As noted by Dr. Dan Siegel, the psychiatrist and author, “Name it to tame it” is a real phenomenon. When children can label their emotions, the intensity of those emotions actually decreases. The feeling becomes something they have rather than something they are.
4) Teach them about their brain
Here’s something that might surprise you: even young children can understand basic brain science, and it helps them enormously.
You can explain that their brain has a built-in alarm system that’s designed to keep them safe. Sometimes that alarm goes off when there’s no real danger, like a smoke detector that beeps when you’re just making toast. The alarm isn’t bad. It’s actually trying to help. But it can make mistakes.
This simple reframe does something powerful. It externalizes the anxiety. Your child isn’t broken or weird. Their brain is just being a little overprotective.
I’ve seen children as young as five grasp this concept and find real comfort in it. “Oh, my alarm is going off again,” they might say. And suddenly they have some distance from the feeling. They’re not drowning in it anymore.
5) Gradual exposure to fears
Our instinct as parents is often to protect our children from the things that scare them. And of course, protection has its place. But when we consistently help children avoid their fears, we accidentally send a message: “You can’t handle this.”
Gradual exposure is the opposite approach. It means gently and supportively helping your child face their fears in small, manageable steps.
If they’re afraid of dogs, maybe you start by looking at pictures of dogs together. Then watching dogs from across the park. Then standing a bit closer. Each small success builds confidence.
The key word here is gradual. You’re not throwing them into the deep end. You’re walking beside them as they inch toward the water. The Child Mind Institute emphasizes that this approach, done with warmth and patience, is one of the most effective ways to help children overcome anxiety in the long term.
6) Routines and predictability
Anxious children often feel like the world is unpredictable and therefore unsafe. One of the simplest things you can do is create pockets of predictability in their day.
Morning routines. Bedtime routines. A regular check-in after school. These rhythms become anchors. They tell your child, “Some things stay the same. Some things you can count on.”
This doesn’t mean your life needs to be rigid. Flexibility is important too. But having a basic structure gives anxious children something solid to hold onto when their inner world feels chaotic.
If you’re a regular reader, you may remember I’ve mentioned this before, but I truly believe that small rituals, even something as simple as reading together before bed, can become a child’s emotional home base.
7) Problem-solving together
Once your child feels heard and calm, you can start to problem-solve together. Notice I said together. This isn’t about you swooping in with all the answers. It’s about guiding them to find their own.
Ask questions like, “What do you think might help?” or “What’s one small thing we could try?” Even if their ideas aren’t perfect, the act of generating solutions builds their sense of agency. They start to see themselves as capable of handling challenges rather than helpless in the face of them.
Sometimes the best solution is one they come up with themselves, even if you had to nudge them toward it. The ownership matters. It’s the difference between being rescued and learning to swim.
8) Physical outlets for anxious energy
Anxiety lives in the body as much as the mind. That’s why telling an anxious child to “just relax” rarely works. Their body is flooded with stress hormones, ready to fight or flee. They need to move.
Physical activity is one of the most underrated tools for managing anxiety. A run around the garden. A dance party in the living room. Even just shaking their hands and stomping their feet. These movements help discharge the nervous energy that anxiety creates.
Breathing exercises can help too, but they work best when the child isn’t in the peak of panic. Teach them when they’re calm so they have the skill ready when they need it. Slow breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth, can genuinely shift their nervous system from alarm mode to rest mode. But it takes practice.
9) Model your own coping
Children learn far more from what we do than what we say. If you want your child to handle anxiety well, let them see you handling your own stress in healthy ways.
This might mean thinking out loud. “I’m feeling a bit nervous about this meeting tomorrow, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths and remind myself I’ve prepared well.” Or it might mean admitting when you’re struggling. “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now, so I’m going to take a short walk to clear my head.”
You don’t need to be perfect. In fact, showing your imperfections is part of the gift. It teaches your child that everyone feels anxious sometimes, and that there are things we can do about it. You become living proof that anxiety doesn’t have to be the boss.
The long game
Supporting an anxious child is rarely a quick fix. It’s a long game, played out over countless small moments. Some days will feel like progress. Others will feel like you’re back at square one. That’s normal.
What matters is that your child knows you’re in their corner. That you see their struggle and you’re not trying to rush them past it. That you believe in their ability to grow through this, even when they don’t believe it themselves.
Anxiety may always be part of their story. But with the right support, it doesn’t have to be the whole story. What’s one small thing you could try with your child this week?
