There’s a moment that catches most parents off guard. Your child, once eager to show you every drawing and share every small victory, becomes a teenager who seems allergic to enthusiasm. Suddenly, getting them excited about anything feels like pushing a boulder uphill.
I’ve watched this unfold with my own kids and now with my grandchildren. And here’s what decades of observation have taught me: the most motivated teens I’ve encountered rarely have parents who pushed harder. Instead, they have parents who learned what not to do. The mistakes we avoid can matter just as much as the strategies we employ.
So let’s talk about six common missteps that quietly drain the motivation right out of our teenagers.
1) Turning every conversation into a lecture
We’ve all done it. Your teen mentions something in passing, maybe a grade that slipped or a friend who’s making questionable choices, and before you know it, you’re fifteen minutes into a monologue about responsibility, consequences, and “when I was your age.”
The problem? Teenagers tune out lectures faster than you can say “life lesson.” Their brains are literally wired to seek autonomy during these years. When we lecture, we’re not teaching. We’re triggering their defenses.
What works better is genuine curiosity. Ask questions. Listen more than you speak. When my grandson started struggling with his motivation for football practice last year, my instinct was to remind him about commitment and discipline. Instead, I asked him what had changed. Turns out, a new coach had a style that made him feel invisible.
That conversation, where I mostly listened, helped him figure out his own path forward.
Motivated teens need to feel heard, not corrected. Save the wisdom for when they actually ask for it.
2) Solving problems they should wrestle with themselves
This one is tough because it comes from a good place. We love our kids. We hate watching them struggle. So when they face a challenge, whether it’s a difficult teacher, a social conflict, or a project they’ve procrastinated on, we swoop in.
We email the teacher. We offer solutions before they’ve had a chance to think. We smooth the path so thoroughly that they never learn to navigate rough terrain.
Research on adolescent brain development shows that teenagers need to struggle productively. It’s how they build confidence and problem-solving skills. When we rescue them too quickly, we send an unintentional message: “I don’t think you can handle this.”
The motivated teens I know have parents who sit with discomfort. They watch their kids stumble, offer support without taking over, and trust the process. It’s harder than solving the problem yourself, but the payoff is a teenager who believes in their own capabilities.
3) Making their achievements about your pride
Have you ever noticed how quickly we can hijack our children’s accomplishments? They make the team, and suddenly we’re posting about it online, calling relatives, and beaming as if we scored the winning goal ourselves.
There’s nothing wrong with being proud. But when our reaction to their success becomes bigger than theirs, something shifts. The achievement starts to feel like it belongs to us. And that can quietly erode their internal motivation.
Psychologist Edward Deci, whose work on self-determination theory has shaped how we understand motivation, noted that people are most driven when they feel a sense of ownership over their actions and outcomes. When we make their wins about our pride, we’re taking some of that ownership away.
I’ve learned to celebrate quietly sometimes. A simple “I bet that feels good” can be more powerful than a parade. It keeps the focus where it belongs: on their experience, their effort, their growth. Motivated teens need to feel that their achievements are their own.
4) Comparing them to siblings, peers, or your younger self
“Your sister never had trouble with math.” “When I was your age, I had a job and still made honor roll.” “Your friend Jake seems to have it figured out.”
We say these things hoping to inspire. But comparison rarely motivates teenagers. More often, it breeds resentment, shame, or a quiet sense that they’ll never measure up.
Every teenager is on their own timeline. Their brains are developing at their own pace. Their interests, strengths, and challenges are uniquely theirs. When we compare, we’re essentially telling them that who they are right now isn’t enough.
If you’re a regular reader, you may remember I’ve mentioned this before, but one of my sons was a late bloomer academically. His older brother seemed to coast through school while he struggled. It would have been easy to hold up his brother as an example. Instead, we focused on his individual progress. Today, he’s thriving in a career that suits him perfectly, one his brother would have been miserable in.
Motivated teens need to feel valued for who they are, not measured against who they aren’t.
5) Prioritizing outcomes over effort and process
We live in a results-oriented world. Grades, scores, acceptances, achievements. It’s natural to focus on outcomes because they feel concrete and measurable.
But here’s the trap: when we only celebrate the finish line, we teach our teens that the journey doesn’t matter. And that can backfire spectacularly. What happens when they work hard and still fall short? If effort wasn’t valued, failure feels like total defeat.
Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset at Stanford has shown that praising effort and strategy, rather than innate talent or final results, builds resilience and long-term motivation. Kids who believe their abilities can grow through hard work are more likely to embrace challenges.
This means noticing the process out loud. “I saw how much time you put into that project” matters more than “Great job on the A.” It means asking about what they learned, not just what they earned. Motivated teens understand that effort is the point, and they learned that from parents who reinforced it consistently.
6) Neglecting your own growth and passions
This might be the most overlooked mistake of all. We get so focused on our teenagers’ development that we forget they’re watching us. And what they see matters enormously.
If we’ve stopped learning, stopped pursuing things that light us up, stopped taking risks or embracing challenges, what message does that send? It suggests that growth is something you do when you’re young, and then you stop.
Teenagers are remarkably perceptive. They notice when we’re engaged with life and when we’re just going through the motions. As noted by psychologist Madeline Levine in her work on adolescent development, parents who model curiosity, resilience, and a willingness to try new things raise children who internalize those same qualities.
I took up writing seriously in my sixties. It wasn’t easy, and I’ve faced plenty of rejection and self-doubt along the way. But my grandchildren have watched me struggle with drafts, celebrate small wins, and keep showing up. I’d like to think that teaches them something no lecture ever could.
Motivated teens often have parents who are still motivated themselves. Your growth gives them permission to pursue their own.
The thread that connects all of this
Looking back at these six mistakes, there’s a common thread. Each one, in its own way, undermines a teenager’s sense of autonomy, competence, or connection. And those three things, according to decades of psychological research, are the foundation of intrinsic motivation.
When we lecture, we limit their autonomy. When we solve their problems, we undercut their competence. When we compare or hijack their achievements, we weaken their sense of self. And when we stop growing ourselves, we disconnect from the very journey we’re asking them to embrace.
The good news? These are mistakes, not character flaws. We can catch ourselves. We can course-correct. Parenting teenagers is humbling work, and none of us get it right all the time.
But awareness is half the battle. Once you see these patterns, you can start to shift them. And that shift, small as it might seem, can open up space for your teenager’s motivation to grow on its own terms.
So here’s my question for you: which of these mistakes hits closest to home? And what’s one small change you could make this week?
