Hiring a nanny felt like one of the biggest decisions we’d ever made.
Here was this person who would spend hours each day with our kids, shaping their routines, responding to their tears, celebrating their tiny victories. And yet, in those early weeks, I remember feeling awkward about everything.
How much should I share? Was I micromanaging? Was I being too hands-off?
Over time, I’ve learned that the relationship between parents and a nanny isn’t something that just happens. It requires the same intentionality we bring to any meaningful relationship.
The families I’ve seen thrive with childcare aren’t the ones who got lucky with a perfect match. They’re the ones who actively build trust, communicate openly, and treat their nanny as a true partner in raising their children.
Here’s what that actually looks like in practice.
1) They communicate expectations clearly from day one
Vague expectations are the enemy of good working relationships. I’ve talked to so many parents who felt frustrated with their nanny, only to realize they’d never actually communicated what they wanted. They assumed things were obvious when they weren’t.
Strong nanny relationships start with clarity. What time does the day begin and end? What are the non-negotiables around screen time, food, or naps? What does a typical day look like, and where is there flexibility? These conversations might feel overly detailed, but they prevent so much friction down the road.
One thing that helped us was creating a simple one-page document with daily rhythms, emergency contacts, and house rules. Not as a way to be controlling, but as a reference point we could both return to. It took the guesswork out of things and gave our nanny confidence to make decisions within clear boundaries. When expectations are murky, everyone ends up second-guessing themselves.
2) They treat their nanny as a professional, not a helper
Language matters. The way you talk about and to your nanny shapes the entire dynamic. Parents who build strong relationships recognize that childcare is skilled, demanding work that deserves respect.
This means paying fairly and on time. It means offering benefits when possible, or at minimum having honest conversations about what you can provide. It means not asking them to do tasks outside their role without discussion. And it means valuing their expertise.
A good nanny has likely cared for many children and brings knowledge you don’t have.
As noted by the International Nanny Association, professional nannies bring specialized training and experience that directly impacts child development outcomes. When you treat someone as a professional, they show up as one.
When you treat them as “just the babysitter,” you undermine the relationship before it even has a chance to grow. Small shifts in how you frame the role can change everything.
3) They share information generously
Your nanny can only do their best work when they understand your child. And understanding your child means knowing more than just their schedule.
It means knowing that your toddler gets clingy when overtired. That your preschooler is processing big feelings about a new sibling. That certain songs calm them down and certain phrases set them off.
Parents who build strong relationships share this information freely. They don’t expect their nanny to figure it all out through trial and error. They offer context, updates, and insights regularly.
This goes both ways, of course. A nanny who spends all day with your child will notice things you miss. They’ll see patterns in behavior, preferences you didn’t know existed, developmental leaps happening in real time.
When information flows in both directions, everyone benefits. Your child gets more consistent care, and your nanny feels trusted and included. We started doing quick five-minute check-ins at pickup, and those small conversations have been invaluable.
4) They give feedback with kindness and specificity
Here’s where things get uncomfortable for a lot of parents. Giving feedback to your nanny can feel awkward, especially if you’re conflict-averse or worried about damaging the relationship. But avoiding feedback doesn’t protect the relationship. It erodes it slowly.
The key is being kind and specific. “I noticed Elise had a lot of screen time yesterday” lands differently than “You’re giving her too much screen time.” One opens a conversation. The other puts someone on the defensive.
Research from the Harvard Business Review has shown that effective feedback focuses on specific observations rather than generalizations, which helps the recipient understand exactly what to adjust. When something isn’t working, address it early and directly. Don’t let small frustrations pile up until you’re resentful. And remember that feedback is a two-way street.
Ask your nanny what’s working for them and what isn’t. You might be doing things that make their job harder without realizing it.
5) They respect boundaries and off-hours
When someone works in your home, caring for your children, the lines between professional and personal can blur quickly. Parents who build strong relationships are mindful of this and work to maintain healthy boundaries.
This means not texting at 10 p.m. unless it’s truly urgent. It means respecting their time off and not assuming they’re always available for last-minute requests. It means being clear about hours and sticking to them, or compensating fairly when things run over.
I’ll be honest, this one took me a while to get right. Early on, I’d send messages whenever something popped into my head, not thinking about the fact that it was their evening. Now I draft those thoughts and send them during work hours. It’s a small change, but it signals respect.
Your nanny has a life outside your family, and honoring that makes them more present and engaged when they’re with your kids.
6) They include their nanny in the parenting conversation
Your nanny isn’t just executing a plan you’ve created. They’re an active participant in your child’s daily life, which means their observations and input matter. Parents who build strong relationships make space for their nanny’s voice.
This might look like asking for their opinion on whether your child is ready to drop a nap. Or discussing together how to handle a new behavioral challenge. Or simply asking, “What do you think?” when you’re weighing a decision about routines or activities.
According to child development experts at Zero to Three, consistency between caregivers supports healthy attachment and emotional security in young children.
When your nanny feels like a partner rather than an employee following orders, they’re more invested. They bring more of themselves to the role. And your child benefits from having multiple caring adults who are aligned and working together.
We’ve found that some of our best parenting insights have come from conversations with our nanny, who sees our kids in contexts we simply don’t.
7) They express appreciation regularly
This one sounds simple, but it’s easy to let slide. When someone is doing their job well, day after day, it can start to feel like the baseline. You stop noticing. You stop saying thank you.
But everyone needs to feel valued. A quick “I really appreciate how you handled that meltdown” or “The kids clearly love spending time with you” goes a long way. It doesn’t have to be elaborate. It just has to be genuine and regular.
Beyond words, consider how you show appreciation in other ways. A bonus during the holidays. A small gift on their birthday. Flexibility when they need to adjust their schedule. These gestures communicate that you see them as a whole person, not just someone who provides a service.
The nannies who stay longest and give the most are usually the ones who feel genuinely appreciated by the families they work for. Don’t assume they know how you feel. Tell them.
Closing thoughts
Building a strong relationship with your nanny takes effort, but it’s effort that pays off in countless ways.
Your children get more consistent, loving care. Your nanny feels respected and engaged. And you get peace of mind knowing that the person spending hours with your kids each day is truly part of the team.
None of this requires perfection. You’ll have awkward conversations. You’ll make mistakes. There will be moments of miscommunication and frustration on both sides. What matters is the intention behind it all.
When you approach the relationship with openness, respect, and genuine care, you create something that benefits everyone, especially your kids.
The best childcare arrangements aren’t transactions. They’re partnerships. And like any good partnership, they’re built one honest conversation, one small gesture, one moment of trust at a time.
