There’s a particular kind of ache that comes with peeling tiny fingers off your leg while your toddler wails like you’re leaving forever. Whether it’s daycare drop-off, a babysitter arriving, or simply stepping into another room, separation anxiety can turn ordinary moments into emotional marathons for everyone involved.
Here’s what I want you to know first: this is completely normal. Separation anxiety typically peaks between 10 and 18 months, though it can resurface during times of change or stress well into the preschool years.
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, this developmental phase actually signals healthy attachment. Your child loves you deeply and hasn’t yet developed the cognitive ability to understand that you always come back.
The good news? There are gentle, practical ways to help them build that understanding, and it often happens faster than exhausted parents dare to hope.
1) Always say goodbye, even when it’s tempting to sneak away
I know. Slipping out while your toddler is distracted by blocks or a snack seems like the path of least resistance. No tears at the door, no clinging, no guilt-inducing wails echoing behind you. But here’s the thing: sneaking away almost always backfires.
When toddlers suddenly realize you’ve vanished without warning, it confirms their deepest fear. You might disappear at any moment without notice. This makes them more vigilant, more clingy, and more anxious during future separations because they’ve learned they can’t trust the goodbye process.
Instead, create a simple, predictable goodbye ritual. It might be a special hug, a silly handshake, or a kiss on each palm that they can “save” for later. Keep it brief and warm. Say something like, “I’m going to work now, and I’ll be back after your nap.” Then leave, even if there are tears.
Those tears are hard, but they’re honest. And honest goodbyes build trust over time.
With my own kids, we settled on “squeeze hugs” and a little wave through the window. It took a few weeks of consistency, but eventually the ritual itself became a source of comfort rather than a trigger for panic.
2) Keep your own emotions steady and confident
Toddlers are remarkably tuned in to our emotional states. They read our faces, our body language, our tone of voice. If you approach goodbye with anxiety, guilt, or visible distress, your child picks up on that energy and interprets it as confirmation that something is indeed wrong.
This doesn’t mean you need to be cold or dismissive. Warmth matters. But so does projecting calm confidence. When you act like leaving is normal, safe, and temporary, your toddler slowly absorbs that message too.
Try to avoid lingering at the door, offering excessive reassurances, or returning multiple times for “one more hug.” Each return resets the emotional clock and teaches your child that their distress brings you back.
A warm, confident goodbye followed by a clean departure, even through tears, sends a clearer message: I love you, this is okay, and I will return.
If you’re struggling with your own feelings about separation, that’s worth exploring. Sometimes our children’s anxiety mirrors our own, and addressing that honestly can shift the dynamic for everyone.
3) Practice short separations at home first
Big separations feel less overwhelming when small ones have already gone well. You can build your toddler’s confidence gradually by practicing brief separations in safe, familiar environments.
Start by stepping into another room for a minute while narrating what you’re doing. “I’m going to grab something from the kitchen. I’ll be right back.” Return quickly and cheerfully. Over time, extend these moments.
Let them play independently while you’re nearby but not directly engaged. Celebrate their ability to be okay without you for short stretches.
As noted by Dr. Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside, building a child’s tolerance for separation happens through small, repeated experiences where they learn that discomfort is survivable and that connection always returns. This gradual exposure helps toddlers develop what she calls “separation resilience.”
You can also practice with trusted family members or friends. Have grandma take over for 20 minutes while you run an errand. Let a neighbor play with your child in the yard while you sit on the porch. Each successful small separation builds evidence in your toddler’s mind that goodbyes are temporary.
4) Create a transitional object they can hold onto
There’s a reason so many children become attached to a special blanket, stuffed animal, or lovey. These objects serve as what psychologists call “transitional objects,” providing comfort and a sense of connection when a parent isn’t physically present.
If your toddler doesn’t already have a comfort object, you can gently encourage one. Offer a small stuffed animal or soft blanket during cuddle times, naps, and nursing or bottle sessions. Let it absorb your scent. Over time, this object becomes associated with safety and closeness.
Some parents also create special “mommy and me” or “daddy and me” items. A small photo tucked into a pocket, a heart drawn on their hand with washable marker, or a special bracelet they can touch when they miss you. These tangible reminders help bridge the gap between goodbye and hello.
When Milo was going through a particularly clingy phase around 18 months, I started tucking a tiny laminated photo of our family into his daycare bag. His teachers said he’d pull it out, look at it, and then happily return to playing. Something so simple, but it helped him carry us with him.
5) Talk about separations before and after they happen
Toddlers understand far more than they can express. Talking through what’s going to happen, in simple and concrete terms, helps them feel prepared rather than ambushed.
Before a separation, explain the plan. “After breakfast, we’re going to drive to school. You’ll play with your friends and have lunch. Then I’ll come back to pick you up, and we’ll go home together.” Use time markers they understand, like meals or naps, rather than abstract clock times.
After reuniting, talk about what happened. “You stayed at school while I was at work. And look, here I am! I came back just like I said.” This reinforces the pattern and helps them build a mental framework for separations.
Research from Zero to Three emphasizes that toddlers benefit enormously from predictability and narration. When they know what to expect and can process experiences through language, their anxiety decreases significantly.
You can also read books about separation and reunion together. Stories where characters say goodbye and then reunite help normalize the experience and give toddlers language for their feelings.
6) Trust the caregivers and let them do their job
One of the hardest parts of drop-off is walking away while your child is still crying. Every instinct screams to go back, to comfort, to fix it. But here’s what experienced caregivers will tell you: most toddlers calm down within minutes of a parent leaving.
The tears at goodbye are real, but they’re often more about the transition itself than ongoing distress. Once you’re gone and the environment shifts, children typically settle into play, connection with caregivers, and the rhythm of their day.
Trust the adults caring for your child. Ask them to send you a quick text or photo once your toddler has settled.
This can provide enormous peace of mind and help you resist the urge to hover or return. If your child is genuinely struggling throughout the day, that’s important information, and good caregivers will communicate it. But in most cases, the hardest moment is the goodbye itself.
Building a warm relationship with caregivers also helps your toddler. When they see you chatting comfortably, smiling, and treating these adults as trusted members of your village, they absorb that message. These people are safe. Mom and Dad trust them. I can too.
Closing thoughts
Separation anxiety is one of those parenting challenges that feels endless in the moment but truly does pass. Your toddler is learning something profound: that love doesn’t disappear when you walk out the door. That connection survives distance. That you always, always come back.
Be patient with them and with yourself. Some days will be harder than others. Regressions happen, especially during illness, developmental leaps, or family changes. That’s okay. Keep showing up with calm confidence, consistent rituals, and gentle reassurance.
And on the tough mornings, when you’re driving away with tears in your own eyes, remember this: your child’s attachment to you is a gift. It means you’ve built something beautiful together. The ache of goodbye is just the other side of the joy of reunion. They’ll learn that too, one separation at a time.
