Last week at the farmers’ market, I caught myself mid-sentence telling my daughter “You’re being too sensitive” when she got upset about dropping her basket of berries.
The words hung in the air, and I immediately recognized my mother’s voice coming through mine. It hit me like a punch to the gut – I was repeating the exact phrase that made me doubt my feelings for years.
As someone who spent years unlearning the damage from well-meaning but harmful phrases, I’ve become almost obsessed with understanding how our casual words shape our children’s inner voices. After transitioning from teaching to parenting education, I’ve dove deep into the research, and what psychologists have discovered about seemingly innocent phrases is honestly terrifying.
These aren’t obviously cruel statements. They’re the throwaway comments we make when we’re tired, stressed, or simply repeating what we heard growing up. But according to research, they burrow into our children’s developing sense of self and can echo for decades.
1. “You’re being too sensitive”
This one cuts deep because it teaches children that their emotional responses are wrong or excessive. When we dismiss their feelings this way, we’re essentially telling them they can’t trust their own internal compass.
Dr. Jonice Webb, who specializes in childhood emotional neglect, explains that invalidating a child’s emotions consistently leads to adults who struggle to identify or express their feelings. They become people-pleasers who constantly second-guess themselves.
I spent my twenties wondering why I couldn’t speak up in relationships or at work. Turns out, when you’re repeatedly told you’re “too sensitive,” you learn to swallow your feelings rather than honor them.
2. “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?”
Comparisons between siblings might seem like harmless motivation, but they plant seeds of inadequacy that can bloom into full-blown imposter syndrome in adulthood. Each child is wired differently, with unique strengths and challenges.
Growing up as the middle child, I constantly heard variations of this. My older brother was the responsible one, my younger sister the charming one. Where did that leave me? Thirty years later, I still catch myself trying to prove I’m enough just as I am.
3. “You’re so lazy”
Labels stick. When we call a child lazy, they internalize it as part of their identity rather than seeing it as a temporary behavior. What looks like laziness might actually be overwhelm, anxiety, or simply a different pace of processing the world.
Remember that kid in your class who was always called lazy but turned out to have undiagnosed ADHD or learning differences? Yeah, that label probably still haunts them.
4. “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”
This threat teaches children that expressing sadness or frustration will be met with punishment. The message? Your feelings are inconvenient and potentially dangerous to express.
Research notes that children who learn to suppress their emotions often struggle with emotional regulation as adults, swinging between numbness and overwhelming feelings they never learned to process.
5. “You always/never do this”
Absolute statements trap children in boxes. “You never listen,” “You always forget,” “You never finish anything.” These phrases become self-fulfilling prophecies that children carry into adulthood.
My mother, bless her anxious heart, loved these absolutes. Even now, when I make a mistake, I hear that voice saying “You always mess things up.” It takes conscious effort to remind myself that one mistake doesn’t define a pattern.
6. “Because I said so”
While sometimes necessary for safety, consistently shutting down a child’s curiosity with this phrase teaches them their questions don’t matter. They learn to follow authority blindly rather than developing critical thinking skills.
Have you ever noticed how many adults struggle to question unfair systems or speak up against problematic behavior? Often, it traces back to being taught that questioning authority is disrespectful or pointless.
7. “You’re being dramatic”
Similar to “too sensitive,” this phrase minimizes genuine distress. What seems dramatic to an adult might be the biggest crisis a child has faced in their limited experience. Dismissing it teaches them their problems don’t matter.
I see this play out with my daughter when she’s upset about friendship dynamics. What seems like playground drama to me is her learning to navigate complex social relationships. Honoring that process matters.
8. “Don’t be a baby”
Shaming children for age-appropriate emotional responses or fears creates adults who are disconnected from their vulnerability. Research on emotional intelligence shows that children who are shamed for showing vulnerability often develop anxiety and depression later in life.
My son is in a phase where he gets scared of shadows at bedtime. Instead of telling him not to be a baby, we talk about how even grown-ups get scared sometimes, and that’s okay.
9. “You’re just like your father/mother” (said negatively)
When said with frustration or contempt, this comparison makes children feel inherently flawed. They internalize that parts of who they are – parts they can’t change – are fundamentally wrong or disappointing.
The damage here is twofold: it affects their self-image and their relationship with that parent. How can you fully love someone you’ve been taught you shouldn’t be like?
10. “I do everything for you and this is how you repay me?”
Guilt as a parenting tool creates children who feel responsible for their parents’ happiness and sacrifice. These kids grow into adults who struggle with boundaries and carry excessive guilt about normal life choices.
Coming from a family without much money, I heard versions of this often. The weight of feeling like a burden followed me into adulthood, making it hard to accept help or believe I deserved good things without earning them through suffering.
Final thoughts
Reading through this list might feel heavy, especially if you recognize phrases you’ve used or heard. Here’s what I’ve learned from both my teaching background and my ongoing journey of reparenting myself: awareness is the first step toward change.
We’re all carrying forward patterns from our own childhoods, often without realizing it. My mother made everything from scratch and created a loving home, but her anxiety colored many interactions with these phrases. She did her best with what she knew.
Now I’m doing my best with what I know, which includes understanding how words shape developing minds. When I slip up (and I do, often), I apologize to my kids and try again. We talk about feelings being messengers, not problems to solve. We practice curiosity instead of comparison.
The beautiful thing about neuroplasticity is that healing is possible at any age. Those of us working through the echoes of these phrases in our own minds can rewire those pathways. And we can give our children different words to carry forward – words that honor their feelings, celebrate their uniqueness, and remind them they’re enough exactly as they are.
