Let’s face it—parenting a teenager can feel like learning a new language. One day they’re chatty and affectionate, the next they’ve built an invisible wall you can’t climb.
I’ve got a toddler and a preschooler at home, but I’ve been paying close attention to families a few steps ahead of me.
What I keep noticing is this: the way we show up in the teen years either builds bridges or widens the gap.
I don’t have all the answers (who does?), but I’ve learned enough from friends, family, and research to see patterns. A lot of parents unintentionally make choices that end up pushing their teens away.
These mistakes are common—and totally fixable.
Let’s break them down.
1) Dismissing their feelings
How many times have you heard a parent say, “You’ll get over it” or “That’s not a big deal”? I get why we say it—we want to comfort, to give perspective.
But to a teenager, it feels like we’re brushing them off.
I’ve made this mistake with my four-year-old, Elise, when she’s in tears over the “wrong” socks.
I’ve caught myself wanting to say, “It’s not worth crying about.” But to her, it is worth it. Multiply that by the intensity of teen emotions, and you see the problem.
Instead of minimizing, try reflecting back: “Sounds like you’re really disappointed” or “I can tell that hurt.” You don’t have to agree with their every feeling, but validating it tells them you care.
2) Talking more than listening
Teenagers are sharp. They know when we’re just waiting for our turn to lecture. If our conversations always end with advice, they’ll stop opening up.
I’ve noticed even little Elise shuts down when I jump in too quickly with solutions. Sometimes she just wants me to nod, listen, and sit beside her. Teens are no different.
Ask open questions and actually wait for the answer. And if the answer is silence? Don’t force it.
3) Overreacting to mistakes
Remember being a teenager and messing up? A bad grade, a missed curfew, a fender bender? If every slip-up is met with fury, kids learn to hide things rather than come clean.
I’m not saying ignore the mistake. Consequences matter. But yelling or grounding for weeks doesn’t teach better judgment—it just teaches them to cover their tracks.
The goal is to turn mistakes into teachable moments. A calm conversation about what happened and how to fix it goes a lot further than a punishment that doesn’t connect to the lesson.
4) Making everything about achievement
When all the praise goes to grades, trophies, or leadership titles, kids start to believe that’s what makes them lovable.
The problem? Achievements come and go. What’s left is a fragile sense of self-worth.
I’ve seen this with my nieces and nephews. The ones who feel celebrated just for being who they are—not only when they win—have a steadier confidence.
Cheer their effort, kindness, or creativity, not just the outcome. A “I love how hard you worked on that” lasts longer than “Nice job on the A.”
5) Using sarcasm or criticism as a default tone
Sarcasm feels harmless to adults, but to teens it can sting. Same with constant criticism. They’re already self-conscious, and hearing jabs from parents makes them pull back.
This doesn’t mean we never correct them—it’s our job to guide. But the ratio matters.
Psychologist John Gottman found that relationships thrive when there are five positive interactions for every negative one. Imagine what that does for a parent-teen bond.
So for every critique, look for chances to affirm. Notice the small good things, and say them out loud.
6) Trying to control every decision
Teenagers crave autonomy.
That doesn’t mean we hand them the keys to the kingdom, but if we micromanage their clothes, their hobbies, and every second of their free time, they’ll push us away just to breathe.
Even at four, Elise lights up when she gets to pick between two outfits. For teens, those choices are bigger—friends, classes, part-time jobs. If we hover too closely, we send the message we don’t trust them.
Offer guardrails, not a cage. Boundaries still matter (“You need to finish homework before heading out”), but give them room inside those lines.
7) Forgetting to repair after conflict
Every family argues. Teens especially push back as they test independence.
But too often, parents leave arguments unresolved—slam a door, walk away, and pretend it didn’t happen.
That silence teaches distance instead of repair.
In my marriage, Camille and I have made a habit of circling back after disagreements. We apologize, explain, or just say, “We’re okay.” It’s powerful. Teens need that same model.
If things get heated, let emotions cool, then check back in: “I got frustrated earlier. I want to hear you out better next time.” That kind of repair builds trust instead of eroding it.
8) Neglecting our own well-being
Teenagers watch us more closely than we realize. If we run on empty, snap constantly, and never show how we manage stress, we’re teaching them the wrong lesson.
Researcher Brené Brown puts it plainly: “We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.”
When we ignore our needs, our teens learn that’s what adulthood looks like.
Taking care of yourself—whether that’s a walk, therapy, or asking for help—isn’t selfish.
It’s modeling resilience. And it shows them that emotional health matters just as much as physical health.
Closing thoughts
Here’s the truth: none of us parent perfectly. I’ve already stumbled in these ways with my little ones, and I know I’ll stumble again when they’re teens.
But naming the pitfalls helps us avoid the biggest traps.
When we listen more, validate feelings, allow room for mistakes, and model repair, we’re not just keeping our teens close—we’re preparing them to thrive on their own.
It’s not about getting rid of conflict or securing perfect harmony. It’s about building a relationship strong enough to handle the bumps.
And in the process, we give our kids the steady foundation they’ll need when life outside our home tests them.
Because one day, they won’t need us to pick out their socks or remind them about homework. They’ll need to know we’re still in their corner, no matter what.
