“Don’t ask questions.”
“We don’t discuss that.”
“Some things are better left unsaid.”
If these phrases sound familiar, you’re not alone.
Growing up in Melbourne, our family dinners were interesting paradoxes.
My brothers and I would debate everything from politics to philosophy, but certain topics? Those were completely off-limits.
I remember once asking my mother about why my uncle never came to family gatherings anymore.
The room went silent.
“We don’t talk about that,” she said, and that was that.
The conversation moved on like nothing happened.
Years later, while studying psychology at Deakin University, I realized something profound: Those unspoken rules, those forbidden topics, shaped us in ways we couldn’t even recognize at the time.
When families treat certain emotions or experiences as taboo, children develop specific coping mechanisms to navigate that environment.
These traits become so ingrained that by adulthood, they feel like personality rather than learned behavior.
The fascinating thing? Psychology has identified clear patterns in people who grew up in families with communication taboos.
Once you recognize these traits, you can finally understand why you react to situations the way you do.
Here are eight coping traits you probably developed if your family had its own list of forbidden topics:
1) You became a master at reading the room
Ever walk into a space and immediately know something’s off? That’s not coincidence.
When certain topics are forbidden, children become hypervigilant to emotional shifts.
You learned to scan faces for micro-expressions, notice changes in tone, and feel tension before anyone spoke a word.
This trait served you well as a child: It helped you avoid landmines and know when to change the subject or leave the room entirely.
Yet, as an adult, this constant emotional monitoring can be exhausting.
You might find yourself analyzing every interaction, looking for hidden meanings that aren’t there: A friend’s neutral expression becomes a sign they’re upset with you, or a partner’s sigh means something must be wrong.
The truth is, not every silence carries weight.
Sometimes people are just tired, distracted, or thinking about what to have for lunch.
2) You developed selective emotional numbness
Here’s something I discovered while writing my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego.
Many Eastern philosophies discuss detachment, but there’s a difference between healthy detachment and emotional shutdown.
When families don’t allow certain feelings to be expressed, children learn to turn off those emotions entirely.
Anger becomes dangerous, so you stop feeling it; sadness is weakness, so you bury it deep.
You might pride yourself on being “low maintenance” or “easy-going,” but really, you’ve just become an expert at suppressing inconvenient emotions.
The problem? Emotions don’t actually disappear.
They just go underground, affecting your relationships and decisions in ways you don’t even realize.
That unexplained anxiety? Those random bursts of irritation? They might be years of suppressed feelings finally finding cracks in your armor.
3) You’re uncomfortable with genuine vulnerability
Quick question: When was the last time you asked someone for help without downplaying your need or apologizing profusely?
Growing up in an environment where certain needs or struggles couldn’t be discussed teaches you that vulnerability equals danger.
Showing weakness invites judgment, criticism, or worse, silence.
So, you learned to handle everything yourself.
You became fiercely independent, which sounds great on paper, but this self-sufficiency often comes at the cost of genuine connection.
You might share surface-level problems but keep the real struggles hidden, or you offer help to everyone but struggle to accept it in return.
Your relationships might feel somehow shallow, even with people you’ve known for years.
4) You became an expert compartmentalizer
Remember those family gatherings where everyone pretended the elephant in the room didn’t exist?
You learned to split your life into neat, separate boxes—work you, family you, and friend you—with each version carefully curated to avoid triggering topics or revealing too much.
You switch between these versions seamlessly, like changing masks.
This skill makes you adaptable and socially successful.
You can navigate different social circles with ease, but it also means few people know the complete you.
You might feel like you’re performing rather than living, always managing which parts of yourself are acceptable to show.
5) You avoid conflict at all costs
When disagreement was treated as catastrophe in your family, you learned that harmony matters more than honesty.
You became the peacekeeper, the one who smooths things over and changes the subject when tensions rise.
You’d rather suffer in silence than risk the discomfort of confrontation.
However, healthy conflict is necessary for growth and authentic relationships.
By avoiding all disagreement, you’re also avoiding the chance for deeper understanding and resolution.
You might find yourself in relationships where resentment builds because you never address issues directly, or you agree to things you don’t want because saying no feels too confrontational.
6) You struggle with setting boundaries
I realized that when you grow up unable to discuss your needs, you never learn how to establish healthy limits.
Boundaries feel selfish or mean.
You worry that having standards will push people away.
So you become infinitely flexible, always accommodating, never quite sure where you end and others begin.
In my book, Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego, I explore how Buddhist philosophy actually encourages healthy boundaries as a form of self-compassion.
You might say yes when you mean no, or you take on others’ emotions as your responsibility.
In a way, you feel guilty for having needs at all.
7) You’re drawn to people who need fixing
Ever notice how you attract people with problems? There’s a reason for that.
When you couldn’t fix the unspoken issues in your family, you developed a need to heal others instead.
You became the counselor, the problem-solver, and the one who could handle everyone else’s difficulties.
These relationships feel familiar because they mirror your family dynamic.
There’s always something to manage, some crisis to navigate, some emotional labor to perform.
It feels like love, but really, it’s just repetition of old patterns.
You might find yourself exhausted by relationships but unable to choose differently.
Healthy, stable people might even bore you because there’s nothing to fix.
8) You have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility
If family problems couldn’t be discussed, maybe they were somehow your fault? This is the conclusion many children reach.
You learned to take responsibility for others’ emotions, for keeping secrets, for maintaining the family image.
Everything became your job to manage, even things completely outside your control.
As an adult, you might feel responsible for everyone’s happiness.
You blame yourself when relationships fail, even when the other person was clearly at fault, and you carry guilt for things that happened when you were just a child trying to survive.
Final words
Most parents who created these communication taboos were doing their best with their own unhealed wounds.
The power lies in awareness: Once you see these patterns, you can start to change them.
You can learn to feel without drowning, set boundaries without guilt, and connect without performing.
Start small: Pick one trait that resonates most and simply notice when it shows up.
Don’t judge it, just observe; that awareness alone begins to loosen its grip.
These coping mechanisms served a purpose as they protected you when you needed protection, but you’re not that powerless child anymore.
You can choose different ways of being.
The conversations your family couldn’t have? You can have them now, with yourself, with trusted friends, with a therapist.
The emotions that were forbidden? They’re just feelings, and feeling them won’t destroy you.
You survived the silence, now it’s time to find your voice.
