You know that moment when someone asks what you want for dinner and your first thought is “What would make them happiest?” Yeah, that was me for most of my adult life. And if you’re reading this, maybe it’s you too.
I spent years bending myself into shapes that would please everyone around me, saying yes when I meant no, and feeling physically ill at the thought of disappointing anyone.
It wasn’t until I had kids of my own that I started connecting the dots between my childhood experiences and this exhausting need to keep everyone happy.
Here’s what I’ve discovered: well-meaning parents can accidentally raise people-pleasers without even knowing it. My own mother, bless her heart, made everything from scratch and poured herself into our family.
But underneath her dedication was an anxious energy that shaped how I learned to move through the world.
If you’re an adult who can’t seem to stop putting everyone else’s needs first, your parent probably did some of these things. And if you’re a parent now? This might be your wake-up call.
1. They made their emotions your responsibility
Remember coming home from school and instantly reading the room? I could tell from the way my mother moved around the kitchen whether it was going to be a good evening or if I needed to be extra helpful, extra quiet, extra something.
When parents don’t manage their own emotional states, kids become little emotional detectives.
We learned to scan for signs of upset, disappointment, or stress, then adjust our behavior to fix it. “Mom seems stressed, so I won’t mention that I need help with my science project.” “Dad looks tired, so I’ll pretend I’m not hungry even though dinner isn’t ready.”
The thing is, kids aren’t supposed to be emotional support systems. But when a parent’s mood dictates the household atmosphere, children learn that keeping others happy equals safety and love.
2. They praised you mostly for being “good” or “easy”
“You’re such a good girl, never causing any trouble!” If I had a dollar for every time I heard some version of this growing up, I could probably fund my kids’ college tuition.
Being the middle child, I watched the dynamics play out. When you’re constantly rewarded for being low-maintenance, for not having needs, for being the one who “never complains,” guess what you become? An adult who feels guilty for having any needs at all.
I see this playing out sometimes with my daughter. When she helps without being asked, my instinct is to gush with praise. But I’m learning to also celebrate when she advocates for herself, even when it’s inconvenient for me.
3. They had really high standards (but called it love)
My mother’s homemade-everything approach came from love, absolutely. But it also came with an unspoken message: nothing less than perfect effort was acceptable. Every meal from scratch, every birthday cake decorated just so, every homework assignment triple-checked.
When parents model and expect perfection, kids internalize that their worth depends on meeting impossibly high standards. We learn to overdeliver in everything because regular effort feels like failure.
These days, I’m teaching myself and my kids that frozen pizza nights don’t make me a bad mom. Good enough is actually good enough.
My parents are slowly warming up to my “hippie parenting” approach, though they still raise eyebrows when I let the kids eat lunch in their fort made of couch cushions instead of at the table.
4. They avoided conflict at all costs
In our house, disagreements were swept under the rug faster than you could say “tension.” Nobody yelled, which sounds healthy, right? Except nobody addressed problems either. Issues just floated in the air like invisible smoke until everyone pretended they didn’t exist.
Kids who grow up in conflict-avoidant homes become adults who would rather suffer in silence than risk a confrontation. We learned that harmony matters more than honesty, that keeping peace trumps personal boundaries.
I catch myself doing this with my husband sometimes. He’ll ask what’s wrong, and my automatic response is “nothing” even when something is definitely wrong. It takes conscious effort to say, “Actually, I’m frustrated about…”
5. They compared you to others (even positively)
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” But also: “You’re so much more responsible than your sister.” Both comparisons taught me the same thing: my value was relative to others’ performance.
When parents constantly measure their kids against siblings, cousins, or neighbors’ kids, children learn they’re only as good as they are better than someone else. This creates adults who constantly look outside themselves for validation, who need others’ approval to feel worthy.
With my own two, I’m trying hard to avoid the comparison trap. When my son builds his couch cushion fort, I don’t say “Your sister never makes such a mess.” I just hand him another cushion and ask if he needs a flashlight.
6. They dismissed your feelings (while being kind about it)
“You’re being too sensitive.” “You shouldn’t feel that way.” “There’s nothing to be upset about.” These phrases weren’t said meanly in our house. They were said gently, like corrections to a math problem.
But when parents consistently invalidate emotions, kids learn their feelings are wrong or too much. So we stuff them down, minimize them, and eventually lose touch with them entirely. Then we become adults who say “I’m fine” so automatically we don’t even know when we’re not.
I work hard to let my kids feel their feelings, even the inconvenient ones. When my daughter cries because her brother looked at her wrong (five-year-old problems, am I right?), I resist the urge to say “That’s silly.” Instead, I try “You seem really upset about that.”
7. They needed you to validate their parenting
This one’s subtle but powerful. Parents who constantly sought reassurance that they were doing a good job, who needed their kids to be happy all the time as proof of their parenting success, who took their children’s struggles as personal failures.
When your parent’s self-worth depends on your happiness and success, you learn to perform happiness. You hide your struggles because they’ll hurt your parent. You become an adult who can’t ask for help because you’re protecting everyone else from the burden of your needs.
Breaking the cycle (one messy day at a time)
Recognizing these patterns has been like putting on glasses for the first time. Suddenly, I can see why I apologize for existing, why I feel physically uncomfortable when someone serves me dinner, why I lie awake rehearsing conversations to make sure I won’t upset anyone.
The recovery from people-pleasing isn’t linear. Yesterday, I said yes to hosting a playdate I didn’t have energy for. But last week, I told my mother I couldn’t help with her project because I needed to rest. Baby steps.
If you see yourself in these patterns, be gentle with yourself. Our parents did their best with what they knew. And now we know more, so we can do differently. Not perfectly – just differently.
Some days I nail it. Other days I find myself recreating the very patterns I’m trying to break. But I’m learning that healing isn’t about getting it right all the time. It’s about awareness, small changes, and forgiving ourselves when we slip back into old habits.
The goal isn’t to stop caring about others. It’s to include ourselves in the circle of people who deserve care. Revolutionary thought, right?
